Viewing 5 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #147986
      Kellym
      Participant

      Hi
      Some of you will recognise my name I pop up from time to time I have been abused for near on (detail removed by moderator) in every possible way. It has caused massive depression and trauma to which my partner never seems to accept

      Last week a neighbour called the police because they heard him threaten me

      We’ve had another bad patch lately and yesterday he walked out and said he was leaving me for good because I am bad for him! This is all because he got the ump with our son the day before and (detail removed by moderator) That’s how it all started and now this.

      Tonight one day after leaving I have found out he has subscribed to tinder I have gone mental and all he can say is it’s you who has done this! Please tell me it’s not my fault becuase I am really doubting myself! Is this the trauma bond! How can it be my fault he has beaten me all these years and I’ve never looked in another mans direction I’ve never cheated never hit him back nothing

      Please help me be strong please as I love him and I don’t think I should ever forgive him in my heart I know me and my kids deserve so much more but there’s that little voice inside telling me I have caused it on myself
      Please help me.

      Thank you I hope your all ok x*x

    • #147996
      Watersprite
      Participant

      Hey Kellym I remember you and I remember replying I was worried about your safety like real danger due to the risk from your description. Your child does not deserve this you don’t deserve this. None of this is your fault. Moving on so quick is typical abuser behaviour we are just another supply and when t they are done they move on easy for them because they don’t feel like us and can’t form real bond. Mind you sometimes they also come back hoovering back. You may read this and hope for that but that is the trauma bond read up about it honestly it all makes sense it helped me so much when I left. Going no contact is the way to do it and please get some support – womens aid tell your GP keep up your safety planning and call police if needed – the risk can actually be higher when you first seperate. Kellym it may feel awful lonely terrifying hopeless at the moment and I’ve been there very long marriage extreme abuser very high risk and yes it is a journey but honestly with time you will be free safe have choices like how you live who you love how you are loved what you do and your kids will have a better future. You’ve got this Kellym- keep posting and keep strong. Can you get some music on or do some exercise or light a candle reach out for support. You have not caused this the blame is his alone x*x

    • #148000
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Kellym

      Big hugs my lovely.

      Nooooo, nooooo, nooo! This is not your fault, you haven’t caused it, I promise you.

      Our abusers like to blame us. It’s typical abuser behaviour, they will never accept accountability for their behaviour and they become so adept at blaming their partners that the partner starts to believe it is all their fault. It really isn’t.

      The day after I told my ex I was leaving him he told me that he would find someone else; he couldn’t be on his own. And there it was. The cold, hard truth after decades of marriage. I finally understood that he didn’t love me. He just needed someone. Anyone would do, it didn’t have to be me, it had just been convenient for it to be me.

      He’s on Tinder to hurt you and he’s on Tinder because women are not people that he connects to, they’re objects, there to serve his needs. You deserve so much better my lovely. xx

    • #148001
      Pinkvelvet
      Participant

      Hey Kellym,

      This is not your fault. In any way, shape or form. It’s normal to doubt yourself, because you’re a trusting person and probably take to heart what people say. You don’t want to believe your partner could really be this cruel because you love him, and you’re looking for anything to excuse his behaviour – even if this means believing you’re to blame, for his inexcusable behaviour.

      You’re not to blame. I’m so sorry this is happening and has been happening for a long while, it’s not your job to be his punching bag. You were not born to be a slave to his cruelty. You deserve love and respect and above all to feel safe and happy.

      Sending you lots of strength. I know it can be hard, especially because psychologically people who act this way are master manipulators, and know they can say what they need to say to twist perspective and confuse the other person to the point of insanity. It’s totally normal that you feel unsure in this situation because that’s how you’ve been scripted to feel.

      I really pray you can see through the fog and recognise you are being subjected to abuse, NOT that you are encouraging, accepting or deserving of that abuse.

      I hope you are able to safely leave your relationship for a better future for yourself and your children. It’s so tough, but you’re so brave and strong to be going through this. ❤️

    • #148056
      Kellym
      Participant

      He is now telling me it’s my fault he went on the dating app (detail removed by Moderator)!
      Is it me or is this crazy I should not be being bribed with other women! Someone please tell me I’m right!

      He has OCD and the house to him should be sparkling at all times it’s never really bad but sometimes of course things need doing

      He moans I never look nice or make an effort but I really struggle to get up in the mornings and feel motivated to look nice I can’t pin point why I think this could be a result of ptsd from the abuse I’m not sure or am I just lazy and ugly like he says, I’ve begged him to not hurt me and call me names as he does this every single time we even have a small bicker over something

      But he is now saying I have brought this on myself and I’m the reason after all these years he is looking elsewhere because I could never change

      I’m actually doubting myself again I feel so low, so confused and an abaolute mess I don’t want to loose him but I know I shouldn’t be treated like this I have no one I can talk to I’m petrified to tell any authorities incase they take my children from me as they’re the only good thing I have

      Why was this ever fair

    • #148064
      Eggshells
      Participant

      You shouldn’t have to change to avoid being abused.

      If you do change, he’ll move the goalposts.

      Part of him wants you to be a Stepford wife (1950s version of a housewife who lives simply to be a beautiful trophy who also does housework). Even if you complied, he wouldn’t be happy and he’d find something else (you’d have to get a job or a more prestigious job) in order for him to stop the abuse. You’d do that and he’d moved the goalposts again!

      Abusers choose to abuse. It’s how they want to behave. They know it’s wrong so they look for excuses to justify it. If you take away that excuse by conforming, they’ll find another excuse – he’ll always abuse and he’ll always blame you, no matter what.

Viewing 5 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

EXIT SITE

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content