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I’m laying in my bed after he’s had a go on me, again. Why this time what ticked him off, is the finances and the fact we’ve been given (detail removed by Moderator) months notice by our landlord, he wants to sell the house. I’ve been crying for hours, while he had a go at me.
He’s been critisising me for using all the money, and for buying clothes. For normal needs as a woman. How everything’s gone and he never gets. For all the food bought. For my things everywhere in the house, and none of his. For all the material things he or we could’ve had. How angry he is with me. Starting to criticising me wildly and turn every error I’ve ever done against me. In all this not telling the truth, or just his version. Twisting things. You see, I came to this country without anything. I’m from (detail removed by Moderator) . I lost everything due to unforeseen circumstances outside my control. Even my pets. Oh, he even said that I am and always been doing this and that I saw a chance to use him financially for everything he had, knowing he’s helped me. Can you believe how cruel. I would never do such things. I have a very good heart. And he knows. But he said those things to me tonight.
He took me in, I should’ve known better and not come but I have no family and no friends willing. I got ill. I was deadly ill and have three serious illnesses, I got (detail removed by Moderator) the last I got due to a bronchitial infection. I was near death, took me loooong time to recover. I’ve had trouble find jobs due to our system doesn’t run the same way regarding referencing. And the ones I’ve applied for anyway I got nowhere with. When I finally got one it was so stressful I couldn’t handle it and had to quit, something he encouraged. I got no support there no. I had the feeling he didn’t want me to work. He’s encouraged me to stay home before, telling me how evil people are out there, and what they could do to me. Knowing my insecurities from being alone in a new country without anything.
I’ve heard that a lot.He’s said to me to use the card as I wish that it’s our money. I had huge issues with it being independent and not used to that stuff. We’ve been living on one salary for years as a result, he’s never had a problem with it but encouraged me to get well. But now he’s loafing me for it. Going against his own words.
When I’ve bought clothes it’s been like other women, not more not less, accumulation over the years. Sometime more months without. Used a lot on food as I wanted us to be healthy. Who loaf me for all…
Who encourage me to be myself and to get what needed and be like other women and now uses it against me to the point of huge anger he’s livid, and threatens me, threatens to shout at me, threatens to throw me out- and I would have literally no one to go to. I don’t know anyone he’s discouraged me as everyone are evil.. And for years he’s made himself my only company..
Despite me wanting it another way, becoming too fearful as time goes by.Oh, everything’s my fault and the debt in his name is according to him my fault too. Even the loan he took to pay child maintenance or ease to for us and the rest went on debt. That were paid. He had relied on overtime to get us to pay that loan, but for a very long time no overtime was available. That put us in debt. And with one salary…. And expenses more than that…
But he loaf me for not saving and spend it all when the truth is that we had very little in the first place and one gotta live. He’s even admitted that was the case. But now it’s allll my fault. And I’m accused for the most horrible things and he’s taking out his anger on me.He’s had a extremely traumatic childhood and has a lot of anger issues from there too. He’s telling me he’s insane that I have to believe it and how he lost his mind at age (detail removed by Moderator) . He says he’s hearing beams from a spacecraft.,that gives him pain that keeps him in bed so far last time he wasn’t working, for three weeks where I didn’t see him. All alone, eating all alone, no one to see. He’s been trying to patronise me about it in the past. Now saying it’s healing work and beams are helping using that as a excuse to lay there.
I’m afraid of him he’s so angry now and I can’t say anything without him getting angry or upset or it is like tonight, where I’m in tears for hours. He’s telling me he doesn’t even know what he’s doing here with me, that his hate for me grows, (I get fearful again what is he gonna do?) and loaf me, when the things he loaf me for he’s been sooooo fine with for years and never complained but encouraged. And oh we have all together.
He said that he didn’t thought that it would be like this(like what? Me Ill?) when I came that he thought I would get my own account, and-… There he stopped.
He’s also said that many in this country use the other as a partner for ease and a easy life financially as things are expensive. Now I ponder why he said that.. Coupled with the other..He’s never bonded with anyone than me(some) and doesn’t trust anyone and now he say he doesn’t trust me, and he said that with a very freaky voice that scared me. Like he had something between his lips and made a whease.
Oh, he’s only expressing his anger to get it out, saying next I deserve it, saying next he doesn’t know what he wants with me to next same over, to sit watch me cry for hours doing nothing, to lay on the floor, curled, and going to bed without a sound. Leaving to me to try find a new house for us.
No Hugh’s no empathy. And he’s always said how much of a empath he is. He said it’s good I get it so I see where it is and wake up and he means how he’s been here tonight my tears and house. Empath, huh? He used to hold me when I cry. Like I said, all things he’s going on about been fine with him for years!Please help me. Is this abuse? What should I do? What rights as a (detail removed by Moderator) do I have with no money if I leave? I was thinking start college or apprentice but with all this… And he’s pushing it too. Seems like he’s all for greed now. He’s even saying it should’ve been done years ago that it’s been too long and that’s what’s p*****g him off to livid but …I’ve been ill…and, you’ve been fine..
Threaten me he wants to throw me out, right out but that he won’t do it that he’s holding back.. Well knowing I’ve had nightmares about it for years, due to what happened to me in my home country.. Is this abuse?
What do I do if he actually does? I know no one. And I have a cat. Please help -
He’s been doing this a lot same stuff and I’m always to pieces. Threatening the relationship constantly. Saying he wants to but he’s holding back. Holding back anger I get it.. I’m afraid.
Afraid of his anger and what he might do to me. I’ve told him my father hit me as a child and my brother and I’m afraid about that and when he talks like he does. I came to him in confidence. You know what he did he used it and said he would rage but he would not hit me..then next sentence talking violence. He did today..saying don’t worry, I know you got the fear.. But continued talk how he wanted to crush and smash.
I’m afraid he will just throw a fit all of a sudden and especially if we don’t I don’t succeed in secure a new house and throw me out. I live under constant fear of him throwing me out these days.
What am I gonna do -
He’s keep on saying “he’s waiting” and then sY to me that he sY about what I don’t know and that he’s patient.. Going on about me not bringing in money again.. Saying I’ve said well get more money in it’s just money if it’s gone I’ve never said that! Then saying how are you gonna do it and can’t remember after that but he was outright mean and cruel.telling me I better f..soon..
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He wasn’t gonna allow more than 25 pence to a pound food wise kinda help! What to foist this ok? Saving for a house deposit or rent whatever?
Then, he tells me to contact our current agency that they won’t check us just transfer us to a new house that the agent said that to him that many do, when end of tenancy. He leaves it up to me everything and I’m in this state. I even cleaned our whole house without help. Yeah but I’m ill he said staying in his too,. But as soon he’s gonna work he’s fresh. -
Hi Josephine,
You sound very upset.
I am ( originally ) from (detail removed by Moderator) , so hello from one to another.
First, about your partner. He sounds so much like my ex, in that he wanted to,control and limit me and stop me from working and earning money. Yet, at the same time, he got angry if I bought things normal women buy. He was only happy if I bought second-hand things. He got annoyed that I had needs. He wanted me to exist on barely nothing.
It’s like they have a need to control you, but then get annoyed to with the controlled person you have become. They don’t want you to earn money, but are angry that you don’t.
It seems to me that he has massive control issues.
But more than this, I am very concerned that he is speaking about the spacecraft, etc. I do not wish to worry you, but it sounds like he had mental health issues which need to be attended to. It seems he is experiencing paranoia and delusions. I am worried for your safety.
I don’t know what your status is in this country, but if you are unmarried and have ‘leave to remain’ but not permanent status, you may not be entitled to benefits or credits, but if you are married or have residency here, you will be entitled to these. In any case, you need to go to the Citizen’s Advice for assistance.
I really feel your pain. These terrible men try to limit us, stop us from being strong and independent, stop us from having money, and then start to put us down and blame us for their own pattern of control.
None of this is your fault. I too have chronic fatigue and other illnesses, due to being with my ex.
I hope other women will offer you more advice, but you will be able to find a way out. Please call the Women’s Aid helpline to ask for advice and support.
He is a terribly cruel and controlling man, and sounds quite ill mentally. There is a way out. People can help you find it.
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Thank you so much, Serenity! Your words make me cry because I know and feel deep within the truth of your words. I haven’t been able to put words on it. I feel like cry all the time. By the way I’m a (detail removed by Moderator) , but lived in (detail removed by Moderator) just as long. I have no job, no money. After what I know, you have residence after five years and I’ve just lived here (detail removed by Moderator) years. Shamelessly to say with only six or five months work. It’s been hard. To find, and illness. But I heard something with we have as EEA same rights as Uk especially when your partner is from here but that you do after five years.. But don’t know. I think I have heard if you haven’t worked tax or enough tax, you can’t get benefit. But, don’t know. Might be entitled to JSA though, but don’t know. Yeah, probably good idea to contact citizens advice. Kinda have to also because of our housing sit. He doesn’t do anything, he’s left it up to me to find and sort a house! I just know, that he will stay in his room, for long time again, like before.
Oh god, I thought he was my soulmate.. We’ve bonded and connected so much. He was so fine with things for (detail removed by Moderator) years and now….. Like two people. I wonder how can it be?!
(detail removed by Moderator)
Did you have reference problems/problems finding work? What did you do?
Like I said, I want to start either college, or an apprentice. But with all this going on…and having to find a house on top.. I feel it’s too much. And now he’s definitely not going to help.I’d be very surprised if he did. I managed to Hoover up some private landlords, that might’ve been flexible. I even requested viewings. What does he do. Just because it’s (detail removed by Moderator) minutes ride from here or (detail removed by Moderator) he refuses. Screaming towards me “and you think I’m going to!”
When it could’ve been.. An option. But, no..He’s been so very loving and compassionate for (detail removed by Moderator) years. I miss that guy.
I can’t believe I would live without him. He’s been my only support and my big love. How would I cope?!You think he will do serious of his threats? How are you reading it?
Oh, by the way. In the beginning, when I came, he picked on my language and the fact that as (detail removed by Moderator) , compared to the English language, we lack words and expressions. It’s ongoing unfortunately but now more a steady source of irritation from him to me, and he says we’re not getting along, and that he cannot talk to me, that he cannot have a conversation! Can you believe that, we, that have talked deeply hours for years…
He did abuse me in the beginning but I put a stop to it and he did really changed. (detail removed by Moderator) years! But now..
How do you cope when you still love them? He supported me like no one did.
What am I gonna do if I can’t get any help financially? And if he throws me out?
Ask to be transfered to a (detail removed by Moderator) women’s aid?I don’t even have my passport… Yup. He’s made excuses for me not to renew it. And it’s always been oh, we need the money, do it some other time. The thought he would throw me out without even that, or money is frightening.
I have to go to London for that. I’m in (detail removed by Moderator) . Plus pay over £100. Problem.
I haven’t been able to get a bank account without doing so. And it’s the same story what he said. Now he loaf me.When you say it… Yes.. Cruel.. Would a (detail removed by Moderator) man behave that way(or a normal man) even if the accusations were true?( which they’re not like described he’s twisted it plus not taking his responsibility) I gotta know, because I’m starting to question my own reality.
Wouldn’t someone that love you have their feelings, but not treat you like he does? And work to work it out rather than his behaviour? Wouldn’t a (detail removed by Moderator) man and a normal man do that? -
You’re right. He’s been terribly abused in horror in his childhood. Which he say he’s in bed for, along the rest, and muscle back pain and head pain. He broke his body as a child fell from a high tree. Got his head in a stone floor as a baby. Yes abuse. He’s having huge anger issues towards his abusers. I’m into psychology so I’ve been able to help him A LOT. So I know..
He’s been to a councelor twice then stopped due to lack and now he refuses, saying the beams are healing him more than any doc would and don’t you call anyone, then you’ll never see me again, kinda like conspiracy theories lock me up. He had to make me promise not to call a soul. And well, therapy doesn’t work by force anyway. He has the same stance towards medicTion. I’m more sensible because they saved my life.I can’t reason at all with him on this and he’s absolutely sure of what he’s doing. Saying it’s helping. Really… Roll eyes
How am I gonna get out of this and safe without walking the street and die? And he knows I’m ill. Now throwing me out without knowing a soul and without money is bad but I mean, I would need medication or I’ll die.. I can’t believe he’s saying like that, KNOWING. It’s kinda.. Murder.
You think the embassy or consulate would help me home?But same problem, nowhere to live there. I doubt my elderly father would help as they’ve all treated me badly and my mother I know wouldn’t. And he know this.
He’s had it himself with his family.You know what he said to me. Help yourself. Raise up, stand up, and help yourself. Regarding housing, job. College. Can you believe it. While I was in tears so I couldn’t see, as I’ve been crying for hours.
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You know, he’s said he would never agree to what women do with their money. Telling me how he before my cooking(which he loves) lived on tins and jars and take away! Praising himself how frugal he could be, and was and therefore he had money. Turning it to complain of me of course. He’s said that he thought a pair of boots for £(detail removed by Moderator) were a lot, too much. He told me in his anger about his x, how he had been upset that she’s used their money in their fellow joint account to get a hairdo for £(detail removed by Moderator) at the hair dressers. He had me or, not he, the fear of him, returning clothes for £(detail removed by Moderator) today. I didn’t want to, that amount is quite reasonable and sensible for a woman.. But the way he behaves..
What you think you think I should go buy it again? Still there. -
He’s always wanted a JOINT account with me. Not anything with me having my own. Who’s greedy now?! Excuse; so we see more money in one go.. We know we have it together so what’s the point.. Now I question. If he had done his best I would’ve actually had an account…easily! Just take me to London!
He complains we never do anything but who doesn’t want to. Him. -
He’s completely twisted my head. You know, as a (detail removed by Moderator) , you rarely would have given up your independence regarding joint account. Not ONLY a joint. But he had me twisted. And the fact I have or had no other ways. And being ill, and ease. Oh, he talked ease a lot. And does he wants car he wants house blamed me for us not having a house, because I’ve spent all money and put us in debt, right…. (Not) telling me I never pay it back that it’s more than I could ever afford, even with a high salary. Huh, £(detail removed by Moderator) ….
(Could be done over two, three years then he say he doubt I would stop buy so it would be paid.
He say he’s tried debt relief a plan etc but that I didn’t want to! No, not full truth. I was only worried what would happen to the tenancy that’s all as the rules state, you can’t be bankrupt or iva.. But not anything else. Then he complains they wouldn’t accept it anyway. Back to ME again.Do you think he could be so cruel to throw me out let me hammer the door only to bring me in eventually, to be..cruel..? Is that a risk?
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In his childhood his needs were completely ignored, no food, never allowed to choose, never bought or given. Old, small clothes. He can’t stand see me having lots when he has nothing almost. But, he’s never wanted anything. I’ve tried, then it’s been he can’t choose, problems from childhood or else. I’m definitely not allowed buying. Then, he throw his arm out blaming me for doing what I’ve always done.. And others. He’s saying I have it all while he has zero. Then I see him get angry. He’s never even seen what normal is.
Oh and he’s forbidden me to be happy, cheerful or chitty chatty. Me, that always been that way..
He say he can’t take it, with his abuse and the rest. Each time I do, he stops me. I can’t even say oh poor you. -
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Hi Josephine,
I am afraid I can’t give you much advice on your rights to,stay/ study/ work/ money etc, because even though I was born in the same part of the world as you, I have always lived here really, as one of my parents is English.
I think you may need to telephone the embassy/ consulate and ask for advice, especially about renewing your passport. You will need that if you are to escape back home. I don’t know what you wish to do.
My ex was from a country which economically struggles, although his family are quite well off. He too prides himself on being penny pinching- but the horrible thing is, he has no conscience about stealing from others, overcharging them, cheating them.
His father was also a bully.
They can’t bear us reaching self-actualisation and happiness. My ex used to try to wipe the smile off my face whenever I was happy. He also tried to stop me qualifying for a job.
It is like they want to keep us physical, mental and emotional prisoners, and financial prisoners too.
You have no need to feel guilty about buying clothes. You had every right when you were born to find out who you were, qualify, work, make money to buy yourself what you need, find a job you enjoy. This doesnt make you greedy-it makes you so wine who wants to enjoy being themselves, to use their talents and to be happy. All you want is to enjoy your life and be at peace, and make your life enjoyable and worthwhile. He tried to limit all your potential, as mine did.
He wants to project all his turmoil on to you and make you suffer because of the things he has had to experience, or maybe simply because he has personality problems and is just abusive. There is no reason for you to have to suffer this.
To make fun of your language and expression- this is abusive.
The fact he admits he got angry with his ex for having a £(detail removed by Moderator) haircut shows that the problem is not you. He has been like this with previous girlfriends. Take this as a sign that the problem is him, not you!
I am happy for you to private message me on this forum if you want more advice about the embassy/ consulate etc. The the forum moderator Lisa has removed some details about where we are from, to protect us, but you can share these details in a private message.
No woman should have to live such a hell with a man who projects and blames and tries to limit her happiness and destroy her health. Your partner sounds so much like my ex.
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Hi there Serenity, thank you for your message, I’m laying in bed, in fear of even get up, not knowing what the day will bring. Somehow I know inside that the only way is action, I’m just too depleted, too fatigued to feel I can do anything, right this moment. Like I don’t have any physical or mental strength. I will contact the embassy and hear.. But I’m assuming, they will say, that I HAVE to come to London, and pay for it. Something I am not able to do. It cost over £50 just one way with a bus, direct bus and what else more needed to get there. And that’s just ONE way. Not a return. Plus then, the passport. Over £100. He certainly wouldn’t let me use the last we have for this. The only solution I would have is if a (detail removed by Moderator) women’s aid would agree to step in to help me. Then pick me up and take me to the centre. That’s all I can see, if nothing else, if I’m not entitled to anything. Or help me be able to start college here. I will contact the college.. I’m filling in a contact online form today just contact details, really. Even though I’m so fatigued, I will try. He kept on saying it was too late to do so. That it should’ve been done two years ago. And meaning, too late for us.and this house.
It’s not even long ago at all he lay in my bed telling me he wanted to marry me. Well he’s always said that, and it’s always been the meaning that when the money’s been there we would’ve. It’s just not never been done. Same, with children. I now wonder if that was a lie the whole time? What do you think? And what could’ve been the purpose?
He kept on saying how he want to live alone, how everything in him tells him to just throw me out of the door, but that he was not gonna do it, that he’s holding back. For what, he said, I don’t even know, but I’m holding back, I’m waiting, he said. What the ..does that mean??
I still don’t understand meanings and hidden meanings what he’s saying, we’ve had arguments about that too him saying everybody else, other women he’s met etc. understood well including foreign women, so why couldn’t I. Indicating there’s something wrong with me and not just the understanding. But there has been many times he say one thing, I interpret it the other way, as I don’t know otherwise, and off we go. He’s been annoyed all the time it’s happened. Saying how it’s drained us. That despite him knowing I just don’t know.
Is that abuse too?He’s in his room now. We don’t share rooms, he’s claimed it’s because of his abuse. That he can’t sleep with anyone beside him. And also all my duvets. He said there were other things too which he didn’t say. Let me just guess. My wardrobes in my room, right! He’s complained about them before and yesterday he said I have everything, he has nothing. He has a bed that we had to break apart the actual holdings to ever get it upstairs, since it’s a small house and even smaller stairs. (Oh I love the (detail removed by Moderator) standards) he’s created a lot of rubbish in his room. Black bin bags all over. Rubbish. Bottles, empty food bags/jars you name it. Plus old clothes he says is too old that he doesn’t want to use. Well it would fit him but he’s refused. And refused buying new clothes to himself even the times there were money and I’ve encouraged him, saying I’ll gladly step back for him anytime. But no, he wanted to save the money claiming we don’t have enough and that if he starts, well have even less. But when there’s been money he’s said the same.
So his bed looks a mess too no sheets, I’ve offered, he’s sweating a lot and it looks like someone unwell the mess in bed. But he’s refused. I could’ve given him dry ironed sheets each and every day. But no. He loaf me for having three duvets in bed. He did that yesterday. He’s always known I can’t take draught I get ill and my room is cold, you know, typical old Victorian house and me living all my life in (detail removed by Moderator), without those problems.. Of course I’m gonna get ill especially with my conditions. After all my bronchitial inflammation started out that way. He knows that. But he loaf me for three duvets. I’m freezing without. It’s literally saved me. He said you have three duvets! I have nothing! Well who choose not to? I had to go to the cheap store, take pictures, when I was shopping, send back to him and say, hey I’ve seen those I know you like the style, you want them? They’re only £10. He did that but only when his trousers he’s had for fifteen years he claim had holes.
He complained how all he has is a pair of jeans and trousers. And newly bought shoes. He’s blaming me for it, but really, he could’ve. Oh, he was standing back for me so I could have. Really? You say you’ve kept your anger in for seven years. We haven’t been together seven years. We got to know eachother (detail removed by Moderator) years ago but come together (detail removed by Moderator) years ago.
Waw, I’m really sorry about your x. He’s said you know that all his relationships never worked out and they’ve all left him and I’m probably leaving too, telling me he feared I do too, but, doesn’t sound like it..
He do said yesterday that he was going on like he did so I stop and see what I’m doing and stop spending kinda meaning.
Oh if only I could start college and soon, and be able to either get a apprentice that are paid, or take a course and be able to get a loan. That would be a way out. Then I would be able to either get a room or apartment etc… And I don’t have bad credit but he has. Blaming me for that when really, houses on £675-750 plus utilities plus living two people one salary on £(detail removed by Moderator) even less when it’s bad that’s why he took overtime. So when overtime comes you have to use it right to get ahead. Oh it’s fine, I’m taking care of you you be well before you ever start considering any work at all. That’s what he said. Oh just get your needs and I stand back, no I don’t want anything and gets angry if I push it, very angry. I now wonder was that a plan all along??
He’s even said there’s not much money left, even if we’ve managed to do better. Yesterday he was talking we could’ve had (detail removed by Moderator) for his overtime money saying it was that much. Eh? You’ve just said, we wouldn’t had much left anyway?!Waw, just..Waw about your x. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
He calls me frivolous. Well, compared to him, I’m probably am, but really, £100 a month is not much or each second/third month, on clothes. I’ve always been that way and most women I’ve known. Essentials adds up too. I bought two necklaces when I was in the store quick saver yesterday. You know very cheap, £2 each. I’ve never bought expensive. I’m drawing to vintage these days as well. But I can buy expensive on eBay, but for £5 each or so. Very very reasonable. Oh for not talk about how he’s been going on about the packages from eBay. If he knew how many I recieved last month, he would’ve turned t he house down, seriously. Kinda like same, £5 each or less but top top brands. I got quite many coats.,I have a coat habit:) but they’re so beautiful, and they were so cheap. That’s the only luxury I had. For a while I felt better. No I’m not leaving my clothes they’ve took me years to build up after loosing everything. I came with just a suitcase. I’m not leaving my cat either even if it means cat pension ( found out you can pay at pick up) or charantene. Well all she needs is needed vaccinations, and a chip, so she can get an animal passport to be able to fly. So if I only could get an apprenticeship or course with a loan.. As an apprenticeship or course varies from two to three years, usually.. Enough time.. And plenty of employers connected..
I don’t know if he’s waiting for that, if that what it means.
What do you think, about his “I’m waiting”? (Regarding he wants to just throw me out, but doesn’t do it)Omg I haven’t thought about my health could deteriorate..
Yeah, he said other understands him despite being from another country, that it’s just me.
I don’t dare to go into his room today. I’m a very loving and caring person naturally and even if a person is evil towards me I’m not back but keep on showing love. (I understand not to make it worse for myself by resenting or other, and that negative behaviours are essentially pain, and lack of love)
( it doesn’t mean to take anything though just to say)
But so I’ve tried to be loving towards him. Like I’ve always been, and are towards anyone. He blamed me for that even. Yup. Telling me it’s been roses dosey the last two weeks and cuddly cuddly but that it’s not gonna be that way he said. Eh?! You tell me how to BE??!
You. Want me to lower down to your own negative state of mind???!? I’ve always been a positive person before you even came along, that saw opportunities, not failures or negatives. Really, even as a baby I was very smiling and happy. More than normal and a very easy child. (But I was unfortunately abused anyway)
My childhood contains of a mixture of a safe house, nice surroundings, country, friends in loads, best friends, food, toys, clothes, good schools. What you call here in Uk a middle class life. Oh what I abhor class systems coming from (detail removed by Moderator), where such are looked down upon and thrown. You know what I mean. Agreed, it becomes too mainstream too, and fear of sticking out. And sticked out I did.My class and a whole school bullied me for over ten years, later psychological where they threatened my friends not to be with me and if I came to their town they’ve moved to(nearby bigger town) they would kill me, drive me over, and they meant it. They told my friends, that told me. And it didn’t matter even that I’ve never done them anything.
My parents, are n*********s and psychopaths. My mother unfortunately. Which is a taboo, as many wouldn’t be able to even comprehend, that a mother can be that cruel she’s been towards me. But, it happens, and it happens to many. We are further stigmatised by not being believed, or misunderstood by others.She’s from I was (detail removed by Moderator) years old critisised me, bullied me, telling me how fat and unworthy I was, and had my elder brother join in on it. He started to beat me from I was (detail removed by Moderator) years old. In my stomach and strangulation. On a daily basis. I was very afraid of him. He used me as a boxing tool.
My mother or father never psychologically or emotionally supported me, and many times not even physically. I mean, she sends a (detail removed by Moderator) year old girl out in the forest for one week camp with the class, with just a pair of loafers, thin jacket and a pair of trousers and thin top, not even proper sheets or a night gown but had to lay in my clothes, without food.
She’s continuing to be mean and un supporting to this day. When I went to the hospital, near death, and came home again she asked me if I’ve lost weight, as you do that when you’ve been to a hospital. Loaf me who was going to pay for the stay. When I became homeless, before I came here, she talked to me five minutes, asking me how I was gonna protect my things. That was it. Sending my second brother on me saying I couldn’t do like this. And that was that.My father I haven’t had any contact with until recently and he’s (detail removed by Moderator) years old now with a younger wife. He lives in a very small village in his own house. He abused me with my elder brother when I was (detail removed by Moderator) years old, do heavily I couldn’t stay home but had to flee for my life. The authorities helped me. My brother was inches from strangling me to death.
My father was very deadly afraid of my mother and completely subjugated. He’s told me she threatened him with a knife in the basement one Christmas, when I was a tiny girl.
He mostly kept away from her and us…
Until that day she provoked his temper and by force.All this is known in psychology, this dynamic.
So I’ve just had contact with my father the last year. I told him I forgive him and willing to give him a chance. He did well a while then he start to ignore me, stopped calling, ignored my birthdays and Christmas, despite promises. Stopped calling me when my aunt, his sister that he’s close to, started to ignore me. Just because we were writing letters, a few times, and I told her about my abuse. And I asked her if she could help, if I was about to become homeless as I told her about my problems. She encouraged me to tell about me. She said she loves me, and long for me. Then, after I’ve told her, I hear nothing. And my father starts his behaviour.
He’s tried to call a few times recently. But I don’t know. He might be dead? Who knows. He’s functioning well. Fully functioning. But I don’t really know if he and his wife would step in and help me. I really don’t know. It could be very likely they wouldn’t, even though he so desperately wanted to see me.Then My so called partner (or roommate ? Don’t even know if he’s ended it last night the way he was talking? He said he did it for release of his feelings, so he could open up towards me..
He said that it would cost over £(detail removed by Moderator) to get over there, and with a car through (detail removed by Moderator) different countries, and flying would be too difficult and £(detail removed by Moderator) at least and that’s not even getting there. So he put a stop to see my father.
Telling me what to write to him and dictate my letters. Resulting they ignore me.
I don’t know if I should tell my father about it how can I, I don’t have much time. And I’m absolutely dreading coming back to those areas I was told I would be killed if I showed up. And where ALL the bullies are. Still. That’s why I left in the first place, to be able to have a life. I have a (detail removed by Moderator) education if I say (detail removed by Moderator) you probably get it don’t you. All I would need is help until I’m on my feet.
I’ve lived in (detail removed by Moderator) and loved it there. Or, maybe close to (detail removed by Moderator), so I could come there too as there I lived and love. I don’t know.But how would I cope loosing my soulmate?
Yes he said the hairdo for his x was from their joint account. They only had a joint account. Isn’t that strange. Isn’t that greed???
He say that’s why he got angry that it was their fellow money and it was too much., I guess you’re right! I’m just so full of it, the way he’s blamed me, that I don’t know what’s up and down soon.What you think, you think I should go get my previous bought clothes and buy them again? I do want them., I’m just afraid of his anger and what he threatened to do, wreck the whole house, if I use more money..(haven’t even bought my medication yet) .. Or throw me out.. Is it that occasion he might be waiting for? Me buying more clothes? In order to do it? Why is he saying he’s waiting, that he’s not gonna do it, that he doesn’t even know why he’s waiting.??
Yeah, I get you there, that he wants to project on to me. I can understand that due to my psychological knowledge, and I empathise with him. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.
All what he’s been on me about buying clothes I’m so tense and nervous about. I am in doubt of my own reality and thoughts wether I should go get the clothes, buy some, wether I can even buy some or on sale.
And fearing what he would say and do.He’s home now he’s took holiday for almost a (detail removed by Moderator). He’s refusing to do overtime too for a (detail removed by Moderator), despite were gonna need it. He said he’s losing it at work with his mind and that if he doesn’t slow down he will loose his job. But he wants me to live on tins for 25 pence..
My health do require healthy foods. I love cooking.. He loves my cooking..Thank you Serenity I’ll send you a message you’re so kind it helps a lot your support.
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Hi Josephine,
Welcome to the Forum and thank you for posting. I am sorry to hear of what you are going through but I hope posting has helped you to offload. It is great to see you have had support from Serenity, godschild and Ayanna. I agree it would be a good idea to contact the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) to discuss your options based on your circumstances. The Helpline Workers can only talk to you when your partner is not at home for safety reasons. The Helpline is a busy service so if you are not able to get through straight away then leave a voicemail for a call back at a safe and convenient time for you. You can also find your local support group here- https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ Your local group can offer ongoing emotional and practical support.
Turn2us is another organisation to consider contacting- Turn2us. They can complete a benefits check with you and find out if you are entitled to any financial help. Their helpline is available on 0808 802 2000.
There is a lot of support available for when you are ready, you do not have to go through this alone.
Please do keep posting but please be mindful of posting any identifying information as this is a public forum.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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Josephine,
When I said I didn’t know what help you were entitled to , I meant in terms of financial benefits, study grants, etc.
You are, of course, entitled to contact Women’s Aid here! You don’t need to go to The Women’s Aid in your country of origin!
I would say that it is very important that you contact Women’s Aid here. They can help and direct you.
For many of us here, contacting Women’s Aid was the first step to freedom.
They can give you lots of advice on many things. They can direct you to other organisations, too.
They can direct you to local support to help you with emergency housing, finances, and domestic abuse support.
The number for the Women’s Aid helplines a 0808 2000 247
Rights of Women may also be able to help you- their number is 020 7251 6575
You are a victim of tremendous emotional and mental abuse, and you are vulnerable also due to your poor health. I also fear for your partner’s mental health.
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Hi Josephine I fully agree with Serenity that you must contact Womens aid they are experts and will be able to really help you..
I am also concerned about your partners state of mental health.
We are all on here to support each other in anyway we can but Womens Aid are the proffesionals who will guide you in all you need xx -
Hi, call the WA helpline if you can. So far there are no rules from which time you can have benefits. It was all talked about, but no laws made yet. I think you need to try and get out of that relationship. Refuges are for everybody. Some boroughs are funny whom they let into refuges, but you should try. x*x
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Hi there. Its been a while.
For a while, i thought things were going better. Now were back to the same. Hes even threat to kill me. More about that.
We managed to get a new house, with help by a relative new friend of mine. This friend lives five hours away, but came and helped us move, paid for everything. He also slept on the floor, in the new house, which completely made my partner jealous. Accusing us and me. Took me long time to convince, but eventually. He wanted me never to let him come again, or talk to him. He had lay up at night listening to us. Said how it was disgusting how we could keep two conversations running same time.
Partner didnt help move at all. He came and went to his bed. In the new house.
Hes done the same things as described above before, and now again. Same stuff and same accusations. This time, he told me he was going to talk to me so i get scared really scared he would harm me, but he wouldnt actually do anything, just mentally and emotionally. He said he wanted to knife me. Today, he said he wanted to kill me. How he wanted to wreck the house.
He said how i should pack my bags, get passport, get ticket and go. Despite being my house too, contract is under both names thank god.
Could he throw me out then? Police would let me in if he did wouldnt they?He had to be talked to a long time before he calmed down. Then he said keep away from me, until hes calmed, then after a while, reboot. When he passed me to go to toilet he said not to talk to him then he would explode. He was livid. And he has huge anger issues from his abuse.
He went on about the money, hes not getting no space for him, etc. i cant buy storage which cost alot until i have work. I have a training day two days a row this week, where i get to know if i have been successful or not, agency work within care. At some assignments it pays overly well, but i would work a lot.
If not, theres another interview day after. All i need for both i was told was references ok. I dont know with the first one but the second one should be ok..So i HOPE i have work soon. Yet, i have three cronic, serious illnesses. But we need work because in april we have to pay seven months rent upfront to continue to live here as we couldnt get a normal contract with no guarantor, as he has debt. I could, if i lived with anyone else.
He went on about me not bringing money in, how ive dropped ajob before- i damaged my hand. He continued saying his and complaining. He even said i try to poison him not cooking food properly, lie. Then it was cooking too much quantities. I cook and put in fridge. He say he doesnt wanna eat it. Well dont. From now on you can cook your own. Even have own space in fridge. I wont cook to you and i will not pack your lunch bag either. I will most likely get complaints over that now. But he choosed.
He complained about the bags in the living room and kitchen due to lack of storage. As late as yesterday he said take it in time..as money comes.. Today, it was deal breaker totally and he xouldnt live with it.
He complained about the small space in the bathroom, its a very small bathroom. The only place for toiletries. Now thats wrong, despite being a question about storage. There was no room for him he said. Thats not true.
Then, its money gone all on me. Im the one having to juggle it all, bills, food and whats left, which is not much, until i start work. He knows that and always have. But especially today it was a problem and deal breaker.
Yesterday, he said he was only venting, when he told me he didnt loved me etc. today, apparently nòt. But he started out venting the same way. He said yesterday of course i could come to him, if i needed him. When i did, he start to abuse me verbally and emotionally and vent the same way, as ive described.
So, here i sit, not knowing how hes gonna be, if he could be violent, he sure is emotionally and physically. What are my rights in that were both equally on the contract?
How could i get him out then?I dont even think he knows were on it as equals, as all things with the house was dealt with without him as he wasnt interested. Oh by the way he say hes not interested in me doesnt want me but hes interested iñ taking out his anger on me and abuse me. Same he became interested when i said ill be working, and to have more equal money wise. But hes not gonna get to my money. Im getting a passport in december. From there i get my own account.
Hope i can get some help here. Cant call, hes home. And im on pay as you go. Is that still free?
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Can you call them free from a pay as you go phone? Because thats all i have.
Hes home til friday im afraid too, so cant call even if i could.
I will be attending training and interviews from thursday, all day and day after, and will be on the move outside. My pay as you go phone has a very bad sound. Its a old phone, not an i phone. The intent is to have a bew phone when i work. Ill get to it. Ha he even accused me for that, that ive promised bew phones but never happens he said. Well knowing ive said when i work.
Strange how he suddenly want phone, car, house, bike on my behalf when he couldnt care less before. And he knows i cant get it before i work.
Hes up now taking his hour upon hour long shower as hes “having beams”. Yeah, he say his splitting headaches are beams from higher spiritual realms or ufo.
Abuse., yes.. He did go a long period when everything was fine.. And day before yesterday he had no problem with nothing he said yesterday..
Its confusing. I know hes in the wrong though, no matter what he accuses me for, because his behaviour is wrong, no matter reason. But its hard to go through, and to maintain. As im ALL alone, i only have one friend he lives five hours away. He cant help right now he has his own issues. He did help us get this house. Ive offered to help him, when/if i get work. Ive even offered him to come stay here if i can get him out. But hes probably gonna fight tooth and nail to stay in this house, even though he said he doesnt like and want it.. I have legally equal right to this house.
And i cant leave, i have no job even though i hope for it, i have a cat, and all my stuff and im in a foreign country as this is not my home country.
Im way more vulnerable than him and i have three serious health conditions that are cronical. He knows that. Hes always been understanding and loving before now its i sleep on my fat a*s until six pm. Well knowing how tired it makes me. When before, it was for six years oh, if you need your rest you do, youre ill.And if i call police hes gonna use the issue with the card, see post.
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Ive tried to call the help line but noones answering. Im sneaking around the house like a scared animal. Not daring to leave my keys out of sight, fearing how its gonna go as i have another job interview tomorrow, for jot talk about the following days. Thinking of his anger and what he might do. How am i gonna get him out?
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Hi Josephine,
If he verbally threatens to kill you … he commits a serious crime.
Whatever threat he speaks out … he commits a crime.
As you have a phone, try to record him.Then I have a suggestion, you need to decide how safe this is for you to do: If he gets into a frenzy and threatens you and shouts for longer, make a silent 999 call, do not talk, just let the police record everything what he says on the other end, without him knowing that this happens. As the phone is pay as you go you need to throw in some remarks after a while, like: I am so sorry, I am really sorry, this house in x street nr x is so nice, I like living here with you, … So that they have an idea where to look for you. You need to be clever. They will come and arrest him and you have the house for yourself.
If you could get a cheap contract for £10 a month that would be safer for you. Because then your number can be traced to the address where you are.The Borough where you live, do they have a local Women’s Aid office? Google them and check their opening hours. Usually they do not have appointments, you can just drop in during their opening hours. You could do that instead of phoning. He would not know where you are.
Many Boroughs have legal advice centers. They are not CABs, they are for free legal advice. Solicitors work there for free on some days of the week. Find out whether such a legal advice centre is in your area. They can give you brilliant advice about your stay, about your rights, about housing when fleeing abuse, where the nearest refuge is …
Most of them are drop in, no appointments.If it comes to the worst you can always call the police.
It is important that you are safe.
The sooner you get out of that the better.You can always go into a refuge. No conditions apply. They are there to keep you safe. You take it from there. Think about this.
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Hi Josephine,
Welcome to the Forum. Please keep posting and reading the other ladies posts. He is controlling you through the huge fear he has instilled in you. This huge fear is a red flag to you that you need to get away from this man, that he is a danger to your mental, emotional and physical health. This is something you cannot do on your own. But now you have this Forum for support (and it will strengthen you), Women’s Aid (keep ringing them until you get a response-don’t give up trying to contact them, their support and guidance is vital for you at this time). You also have the police if you need them. Also I was advised when I was where you are now in my relationship with my abuser to attend my gp and get them to document what was happening. I didn’t do it. That was a mistake. Speak out. You’ve spoken to us. Now use your voice to tell Women’s Aid, to tell your GP. Go visit your local Police station and get them to document his threats. I did that with mine when he was threatening that I’d be out of our house. Each time he went on the rant an screaming at me in front of my children that I’d be out of the house I was so afraid that I visited the Police and got them to make a note of it. I would feel better after taking that action.
Leaving is a process. You have taken the first step in trying to leave your abusive relationship by posting on here. Also try and do a lot of self-care. Rest if you can’t sleep. Good food (which you are doing) and let us support you. I have been where you are now. Its terrifying and just about impossible to deal with the abuser’s abusive behaviours. But I make it out of 2 abusive relationships. One my mother and the other my now ex husband. You can do it. We are with you every step of the way.
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