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Hi
So I was all set for leaving this weekend but then he had the news that he had lost any money from his business and I feel really bad for him and guilty about leaving. It’s consuming me I have a banging headache and feel sick. To increase the pressure he is wanting me to claim universal credit with him but I have already done a claim on my own for me leaving. So I’m panicking about how I can get out of this or deal with this.
He’s made remarks (detail removed by Moderator) that have upset me and we have barely spoke. Tomorrow really is when I need to leave but I’m really panicking about it.
It’s making it all seem very real now and it terrifies me to how he’s going to be and that I’m going to look so bad that I’m leaving when he’s in bits over his business.
Do I speak to him and let him know how I’m feeling and that I need some space cause everything at the minute is making me ill or do I go in the morning without saying anything at all which then makes me feel like rubbish cause he will wake up and wonder where on earth we are.
I will need access back to the house to collect the kids TVs, toys etc and all my clothes but I obviously don’t want him to be here for that. I’m not sure if he will comply.
Any advice would be brilliant.
I’m so so scared
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My advice is to stick to your plan and leave. He is not your responsibility and if you tell him before you go he will manipulate you or threaten you or harm you. Once you’re out and safe you can if you decide then tell him how you feel. You can return with the police to collect belongings. This is the most dangerous time for a woman when leaving an abusive relationship. There will always be an excuse. If it wasn’t his business it would be something else. The very first time he abused you he gave you permission to leave. That fear and dread you feel comes from your gut so trust it. It’s not safe to discuss this with him.
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Leave when it’s safe to do so. If he’s asleep then yes, go quietly. Keep,your phone on you fully charged and have an excuse ready. I know that battle. A lot to do with that battle is the indecision. Once you’re out and safe you can move your focus onto getting proper help for you all. Contact your local women’s aid if you haven’t already. From now on use a third party for all contact. Let that third party collect any belongings and talk to a solicitor. Most offer free initial advice if the children are his. You want to be the primary carer there x you’re doing this because he left you no choice. I’m sure he’s had chance after chance and he simply doesn’t care. Time to look after yourself because he won’t x
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Hey, did you decide what to do?
I think it’s really important you put yourself first as like you said everything is making you ill.
I know it would probably feel awful to leave without telling him beforehand but if you’re unsure about how he would react then it’s definitely best to put your safety first and tell him once you’re all out and safe.
Someone told me on here before that feeling sorry for him won’t stop him abusing you and it’s so true.
I hope you’re ok and can let us know how you got on xx -
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I’d ring the police and tell them you fear for your safety. They have powers to remove him. All that has happened yes is horrendous but now you know why it’s so important to get you all out and safe and not let him know. You also now know you cannot trust his mother. His behaviour is predictable as an abuser. Please don’t let this behaviour put you of from a safe exit plan. Get help from women’s aid. You could go to a refuge in the meantime but he’s not finished punishing you and I fear for your safety. To fake his suicide in that way is just horrendous but there is nothing off limits for an abuser. You need help to escape safely. I’d start with WA then the police domestic abuse unit. No experience is wasted if you learn from it. Mind blowing gaslighting causing your panic attacks then trying to ‘help’ you through them. Threats to send those photos is illegal too. Talk to the police. Get them to retrieve those photos and remove him. You can’t do this alone x ring th national domestic abuse helpline for more help.
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I don’t know how to get out of this I’m in such a state. It’s making me so ill. He’s scared me so much about the suicide and about taking me to court. So much more was said (detail removed by Moderator). He will not allow me to take my daughter anywhere. I’m worried if I just leave he will find me or cause me so much pain and trouble. I just can’t see a way out. I feel like this has really knocked me back. I don’t want to involve the police but I feel like I don’t have much choice. Why won’t he let me go! It would be ok if it was on his terms.
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It will never be on his terms. Abusers simply change the goal posts. This is a dangerous time for you and you need help. I rang the police and it was the best thing I ever did. You husband has no right to stop you leaving with your daughter. A refuge can be a place of safety for a while until you can gather help. He’s terrorised you into submission by lies and threats. You don’t have a choice but to involve the police. Women’s aid can help you with this. Threats of suicide are designed to control and manipulate you. He had no intention of committing suicide. It’s a very common abuser tactic. You should tell the police this too. Have you spoken to a solicitor to see what the facts are. Keep a journal and let your GP know what’s going on. Keep reaching out for help. Abusers are bullies and if you don’t stand up to the they get worse. It’s exhausting too. Leaves us spinning so I let the police and the courts deal with him. You could get a non molestation order to keep him away. He won’t be so brave when he has to face the law. They are cowards.
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Thank you so much. I’m going to ring my gp him and his mum now are trying to say I’m depressed and it stems back from me having a traumatic birth (detail removed by Moderator). No I was absolutely fine afterwards I’m depressed and worn down because of him and the mental torture I’m having to endure.
I have got a log with the police but I didn’t want to press charges before I need to speak to them again after this incident. He’s said to me not to tell him mum what he did (detail removed by Moderator) because she has (detail removed by Moderator) and has messaged her (detail removed by Moderator) to say that I’ve admitted everything was my fault and I’m embarrassed! I haven’t said that. I think it’s more that she will go mad with him and actually see what he’s truly like.
I haven’t spoke to a solicitor I’m not sure what to do legally. If I up and leave and don’t let him know where our little girl is etc.
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I’m so sorry to hear what a dreadful time you’ve had. This sounds like something my partner would do! You know now that you cannot trust his Mother. I’d hoped in the past that maybe I would be able to rely on partner’s parents to help me but they just make excuses for him.
It’s typical abuser behaviour to threaten suicide and then tell you it would be your fault. My partner’s done the same in the past.
Kip’s right, I think it’s time to involve the police as he’s obviously just not going to let you leave normally. I really hope you’re ok xx-
Thank you. I’m speaking to my support worker tomorrow she is really worried and is concerned that I see this as a set back. It’s just that I’m really scared. He has given me no choice other than to involve the police which i really didn’t want to happen. But he won’t let me go and the threats he made last night terrified me so much that I had a panic attack and was sick. I’ve never felt so ill in my life.
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