Please help, my friend has become emotionally abusive.

[Copperflame]

Hi Ladies, I posted some time ago about a friend (detail removed by moderator) because I felt the friendship was dysfunctional and one sided, being all about her. Having looked for my previous post, I realise it was early this year. Since then, things have become a lot worse and it finally dawned on me that her behaviour has now escalated to emotional abuse.

This friend is severely self-absorbed and utterly devoid of empathy. She is all “me me me” and everything is about her and her issues. Not only is she dismissive of my problems, but recently has become harsh and critical if I mention anything that’s bothering me. She says I wind her up when I “moan” about things that are upsetting me. Every time I try to distance myself from her, she becomes needy and clingy, so I end up seeing her again even though I don’t want to. Every time we meet up, she becomes contentious and argumentative and even contradicts things she has said previously in order to disagree with me. Now she has started playing mind games and messing with my head. After every encounter with her I feel irritated, negative and utterly drained and the effects stay with me for days. I’m feeling worn down with it all. She has become angry with me because on a few occasions I said I was too tired to meet up with her, and said she wasn’t going to put up with any more of my excuses about feeling tired. My ex used to say things like that!

This friend is also constantly asking me for favours. As the favours in themselves are not unreasonable, I have found it hard to say no, but she asks for favours all the time and some of them have been quite big favours.

Anyway, I’d been on the waiting list for some more DV counselling and some weeks ago they contacted me and I’m now having counselling. My counsellor agrees that my friend is not only emotionally abusive, but also taking advantage of me by expecting favours all the time. I still have difficulties with being assertive and setting boundaries, so we worked together on how I could set some boundaries with my friend. Consequently, I messaged my friend and told her I was not going to do her any more favours and that I needed a break from her. She then acted all hurt and I ended up feeling really guilty. However I have come far enough to know that she was using emotional blackmail to induce feeling of guilt in me so I stood my ground. I heard nothing for about a week but then she messaged me to invite me to a function and said she’d pay for the tickets. Stupidly I said yes so we ended up going and during the evening she started playing mind games and being argumentative again. Then she asked me to do her another favour, and because I’d had a few drinks I stupidly agreed.

Fortunately I was due to see my counsellor again. I told her what had happened and she said my friend was disrespecting my boundaries, firstly by inviting me to a function when I’d told her I needed a break, and secondly by asking me for another favour when I’d told her I wasn’t going to do her any more favours. My friend hasn’t mentioned the favour since then, but I’ve decided that when she does mention it I’m going to say no. She’s invited me to another function shortly and has already bought tickets. I don’t really want to go, but feel obliged to as she’s paid for the tickets.

Anyway I’ve made up my mind that after the forthcoming function, I’m not going to see her any more because her behaviour is now making me feel ill. I’m trying to start my own business but am finding it difficult to concentrate because she’s on my mind all the time.

I know that if I tell her I don’t want to see her again, she won’t accept it and will try to erode my boundaries again. I really don’t want to see her any more because her behaviour is harming my mental and emotional health, but I’m dreading that the situation could escalate and I could end up having to involve the police.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Copperflame x

[Copperflame]

I don’t want to sound boastful, but I am very well educated with postgraduate qualifications and I have a professional job. I read widely and am knowledgeable about a lot of subjects. So when I talk about certain issues, I know what I’m talking if you see what I mean. Yet if I try to talk about certain issues with this friend, I get a sense that she doesn’t believe me, or is skeptical. At other times I sense she doesn’t take me seriously and is scoffing at me. I then feel the need to justify and explain myself – which is exactly how I used to feel with both of my abusive exes.

There is plenty of information available on the internet about emotional abuse in intimate or family relationships, but somehow you don’t expect it from a friend – (detail removed by moderator).

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

Just block her after this event, sometimes no matter how much we want to help others, they take advantage or put their negative energy on us, it seems she wants u aroudnfor her needs around her terms and doesnt take your feelings into consideration. Hope she doesnt know where u live

[Copperflame]

Hi Hun,

You are absolutely right in everything you say. She’s an energy vampire.

I hate unpleasantness but I think I may have to block her in the end. Unfortunately she does know where I live. If I have to I will involve the police although I’m dreading that posdibility. Thank you for replying x

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Copperflame,

It sounds like this friend is toxic, causing you a lot of stress and taking up your time and energy which like you said you could be putting into reaching your goals.

I had a friend like that once who expected favours all the time, it was only after the friendship ended did I started to wonder if I was being exploited for money and resources by her.

Because we have experienced abusive relationships, we most likely don’t have the best boundaries ourselves as in some cases we never learnt them in childhood, so we need to practice putting them in place and maintaining them now that we are recovering. Anyone that is pushing or stepping over boundaries needs to be removed from your life or at least put at a great distance depending on the situation – healthy, respectful people respect boundaries and have them themselves.

I think focus on people who you feel emotionally safe around, who are trustworthy. Go within and find your inner peace and strength. You don’t need someone else toxic and negative in your life like that. And like you said, watch out for guilt. Whenever I feel guilty now I ask myself why, and it’s amazing how often it can be tracked back to comments or behaviour of a manipulator.

Sunshine

[Copperflame]

Thank you Sunshine and Confused,
Well after giving the matter much thought I have messaged her to end the friendship.

Before I left my ex I had severe depression. I improved immensely when I was in refuge, but just lately I’ve noticed I’ve been sliding into depression again and I definitely do not want to go back there. The last couple of nights I’ve had very disturbed sleep – the kind where you’re not really awake but not fully asleep either. I was having lots of jumbled up dreams about her and awoke feeling low and irritable.

I decided I cannot allow her to adversely affect my mental health, so I have taken the bull by the horns and ended it. I’m not looking forward to her response but will deal with it when the time comes.

I know what you mean about boundaries, because my family was severely dysfunctional and no boundaries existed. I didn’t even know what a boundary was until a few years ago! I’ve now learned a lot and these days I’m very conscious about boundaries, but still not very good at setting them. I think it’s because for a long time I was a people pleaser and I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. In themselves, the favours she asked were not unreasonable so I told myself it wasn’t a big deal, but it was when she started asking for favours all the time that it became too much.

Love to all, Copperflame.

[Alicenotichains]

Hi Copperflame,

Your “friend” sounds awful. How assumptive/controlling of her to buy tickets before you have even agreed to go.
On splitting from my 2 abusive exes I realised they weren’t the only toxic people in my life. Since then I have a undergone a bit of a purge and my social circle is now virtually unrecognisable compared to a few years ago. I spend more time on my own but I am not with people who drag me down.
It sounds like you have achieved a lot as an individual, she is probably very jealous of you.
Xx

[Copperflame]

Hi Alicenotinchains,

Funnily enough, they said the very same thing on my DV support project/recovery toolkit course – that we would realise that our abusers might not be the only toxic people in our lives and we could also have toxic friends. Like you, I have had two abusive relationships.

I feel very sorry for her, but her behaviour – playing mind games, being contentious, argumentative and contradictory was seriously wearing me down, as well as her self-centredness and lack of empathy. A friend of mine suggested she could be jealous, I hadn’t thought of it like that but maybe you’re right.

She’s struggling badly with the effects of DV, which I totally get, but she’s been like a bottomless pit expecting me to meet all her needs and she forgets that I’m recovering from DV too. I feel selfish saying this, but I’m not her therapist and I have to learn to take care of myself, which is something that doesn’t come easy to me.

Thanks for your support, Copperflame xx

[Alicenotichains]

I don’t think you are selfish. I have a friend who phones and texts me but the conversation is always only about her. I met her recently and she talked extensively about herself and when I tried to talk a bit about me (eg how I have just hauled my head and my heart out of hell with my ex boyf) I only managed a sentence, she just looked a bit surprised that I had talked about myself, and then at the first opportunity (about 2 minutes later) went back to talking about herself. And I resented that because it didn’t seem fair. I am really struggling as I keep to No Contact and I have a lot of conflicting feelings and the fact that she just expects me to talk solely about her, rattles me. Needless to say I have not seen her since- which I guess is me introducing another boundary. I am not a counsellor I don’t need to be propping up others when I am having a hard time myself xx

[Jupiter]

Hi Copperflame
I have just read your post and really feel for you.I agree with the others that you need to distance yourself from this person who is not a healthy or true friend.You are working hard to overcome your experiences and you do not need her pulling you down and abusing you.We are all used to male abusers and dealing with them, forgetting that others can ill treat us too.It sounds as if you need to keep her out of your life.The biggest red flag here is that you say this woman is making you ill.This is serious and tells you that the contact is toxic.I understand from my own life it is not easy to end a friendship but carrying on is harder when stress drags you down and this friend will probably not change her abusive ways.I am sure that you will feel better without this terrible burden once your decision has been made.I hope you have a support person so that you will not be alone when you make this change which will strengthen your healing process.
A little book which helped me a lot is:Divorcing A N********t-Rebuilding after The Storm by Tina swithin. Applies to people other than male partners and is well written for abuse survivors.
Jupiter

[Copperflame]

Thank you ladies. Before I took this step I did several Google searches on “toxic friends”, then when I decided I’d had enough I Googled “How to end a toxic friendship”. I took this step by messaging her yesterday (kindly) to say I felt we should go our separate ways. She asked me could I please tell her what was irritating me, so I told her by being as non-accusatory as I could, eg “when you say this; I feel this” etc.

She has messaged me denying, minimising and rationalising everything I have said. I’m feeling guilt and self-doubt, except that my ex used to do the very same thing and fill me with self-doubt, making me feel as if I was the one being unreasonable. Yet I have to trust my own feelings because her behaviour has been affecting my mental health for quite some time, leading to me posting about it here several months ago.

She’s always been very clingy and needy and is constantly saying how lonely, depressed and homesick she is, how she hates where she’s living, how she hates living alone, how she still misses her ex and that I’m her only friend. I’m not heartless and I do sympathise, but I feel under pressure. I have moved a long way from my ex, but for me it’s been a positive change. I relish the freedom of having my own place after two controlling relationships, I enjoy living where I live because there’s loads to do, and overall, I feel I’m doing a pretty good job of rebuilding my life. I’ve suggested she seek professional help to help her work through her painful feelings, but she’s adamant she doesn’t need it.

Jupiter, as you rightly say we have all dealt with male abusers and have learned about the tactics they use and the red flags to look out for. It dawned on me that if this was a man, he’d have had his marching orders a long time ago because I’ve tightened up my boundaries with men and become quite tough. Yet because she was a friend I was blind to the warning signs, including the effect her behaviour was having on me. I’ve ordered the book you recommended from Amazon, it looks very helpful.

Alicenotinchains, I had another friend who was great fun at first, but who was also very self-centred and I decided not to see her any more. I still miss the fun times, but when you yourself are struggling with a break up, struggling with conflicting feelings, and fighting to the urge to contact your abuser because you’re determined to go no contact, you need someone in your life who is supportive, not someone who is self-centred and expects you to support them.

I haven’t replied to her last message, I have nothing more to say.

Thanks, Copperflame x

[teatime]

I think you were very kind to me the other day and thank you for that.

Yes, she does sound abusive.I had a friend like that recently dumped her.
She was extremely abusive inasmuch as she would phone me all distressed and tell me stuff ‘he’ was doing and how horrible he was. Then I would get all protective and next minute they had had another blistering row and I would get regaled with the hideous insults they hurled at one another.

I realised this was a game she was playing with him and me.Obviously he hated my guts…I loved her little baby so kept up with her despite and liked to spend time helping her with him and playing but was shocked by the way she spoke to him at times…
Later on in the year she insulted me by making a ‘joke’ about necrophilia ( I was physically sick)…. I send her a message saying I never wanted to hear from her again and she was toxic and mad and never heard since.
I have seen her a couple of times in the street but ignore her as frankly she is as low as they get and I don’t need any more abusive (detail removed by Moderator) thanks a lot!
Your friend sounds equally horrible so please go No Contact and look after yourself.

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