Please help. Shaking and need a sanity check.

[Escaped not free]

I’ve just found out from my daughter that her father made her stay at my mother’s while he was supposed to have her. She was extremely upset, she wasn’t very nice to her, made her sleep in the dark so she just didn’t sleep and she felt she wasn’t to tell me. My mother demanded that the children stay with her one night a week after I asked her to consider seeing them a little more than once every three months when it suited her to parade them out. My worst nightmare has come true. My abusive controlling ex husband, who my mother “hated” has now got together with my abusive mother to get to me through my children. I don’t know what to do. My daughter is upset and neither her father or my mother care. My mother was horrible to me growing up, and as others have pointed out probably is a n********t. I asked for some respect and the insults to stop so she cut me off. Peace for a while but now the two of them have got together and both diagnosed me as “psychotic”. I’m shaking, he’s taken them again and I don’t know where they are staying as he’s taken their phones. I need to go to work. I can’t let her do to my daughter what she did to me. Has anyone had to deal with this? How do I deal with this? I need fix this for my daughter. X

[danicali]

pity your mother… how sick and cruel she is. to align with your abusive ex this way it’s the ultimate betrayal – and yet, this does happen and it’s not that uncommon… my own mom was not the greatest to say the least, and she dealt out her own form of emotional abuse (detached, never being “there”, self obsessed, holed up with her own depression, etc) and for years when I phoned her to tell her the latest grief my ex was putting me through… her reactions often caused me to become even more upset – she would laugh sometimes, or she would minimise or excuse things he did or suggest it was my fault or that I was reading him wrong, etc all of it meant to hurt none of it helpful or supportive

and shortly after I left my ex, years ago, i later found out (via court papers) that my ex had been emailing my father and my father never told me – i was absolutely sickened and so hurt so I know how you feel, believe me…

so you are not alone. i really think it’s disgusting that she’s “harbouring” the child during the father’s contact – this is without a doubt to punish you, an abusive mum’s way of punishing… but we cannot change people nor can we choose our parents

but i also have to tell you this… your ex’s contact with your child is HIS contact, meaning that he can take your child where he wants (just not abroad without permission or court order) as long as he returns her to you when he’s supposed to do. you cannot control what he does or where he goes or who he sees when your daughter is with him. so on that level you have to learn to let go a bit – it’s very hard at first but you do get used to it over time

my ex also forbid my son to text or phone me unless it was court ordered contact and he did take his phone off him and still does to this day when he goes to bed to stop him texting me at night and so he can check all his text messages – if there is no court order requiring your daughter to be able to phone you anytime as she wishes (and there wouldn’t be because the lovely family courts would never order this), then he can get away with this – he wants you to worry, wants to mess up your job, wants you to be shaking and upset… try not to let him do this to you she will be ok kids are resilient

finally, so many kids that grow up with this s**t turn out to be normal, non abusive, good people – that is fact and your love and non abusive parenting will make all the different in the world. you don’t need two good parents, but you do need one, and she’s got one… x

[Escaped not free]

Thank you for your kind words. It’s just the actual reality of the betrayal that I’m finding overwhelming. My mother “hates” him but it would appear any method is fair game to get what they want. i told him he was going to have to stick to his nights for having the children as my mother could no longer do it. She was giving me a constant hard time among other things about how he doesn’t do enough, yet now because it suits her to get at me the pair of them have teamed up. She gets unchecked chances to be nasty to my daughter while he ignores her and doesn’t care as long as he’s offloaded her. I couldn’t work tonight, had to take annual leave. Couldn’t concentrate. Thank you for your reply. It’s sad but also keeps me a bit sane that I’m not the only one this has happened to. X*x

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