Please help! Two questions about coping strategies

[LookingUp]

Hi everyone

I hope you are keeping safe and well.

I am trying to untangle myself from an abusive relationship with an extreme n********t, which is incredibly challenging.

My two questions are:
– What strategies and techniques to you apply to cope with related anxiety?
– How do you manage the abuser during this break up phase?

More info:

The abuse I have encountered – coercive control, gas lighting, being minimised, isolated, threatened, n**********c rage, significant mental abuse etc etc – has left me with extreme anxiety and hypervigilance, a loss of sense of self, feeling unsafe etc. Its really impacting my day to day life now and its not classed as a disability due to the ongoing impact. I’m trying to do things to help myself, but nothing sticks. What do you do to cope with any stress, anxiety, depression etc.?

During this break up phase, which has been going on for months now, includes him sending verbally violent messages, calls and voicemails, ghosting, threatening to hurt himself, saying he’s going to bring my family and friend into this with lies about me, saying he’s sleeping with and seeing other women, turning up at my home anytime from very early morning to late at night to either shout at me or want sex (sadly, its easier to do that than say no as this triggers abuse about me being a cheating wh**e), telling me he loves me more than anything and I foolishly believe him, but then blowing up over nothing etc etc.

What do/did you do to resist your abuser and end it for good, or at least give yourself more space from them? I’ve tried to talk to him (impossible whatever approach I take), ignoring him (this drives him mad which results in him turning up), blocking him (he finds a way to ring and message anyway).

Any help and suggestions gratefully received.

Thank you x

[Cotton]

Your life sounds like a reflection of mine. My breakup has only been a month, but it just seems to be getting worse, to the point he has sent revenge porn to my (removed by moderator). The police were involved, but not just for the revenge part, more so for the coercive behaviour, as this is a massive part that the police can help with. I even went as far as going to the police station to give a statement, but pulled out, as I am petrified of what will happen next.
I have two children, old enough to understand, but not wanting them to hate me for getting their dad arrested. Its killing me inside. Hating myself, for letting it get this far.
The part when they try and emotional abuse you with, “killing” themselves, I’ve learnt not to believe him anymore, as I phoned the police the last time and they proved to me that it was all emotional abuse, and it opened my eyes massively.
I wish I had the answers for you, to get through this, but you are not alone. We will get through this.
My inbox is always open, if you want to talk xx

[tryingtosleep]

A lot of this sounds very familiar. Can you talk to women’s aid or a dv support group about getting a non-molestation order?

Also – see if you can get some counselling support? Your gp might be able to help with this.

Take care xx

[LookingUp]

Hi tryingtosleep, thank you for responding. My IDVA was not very helpful, and I can’t afford a non molestation order. I’ve been having talking therapy, which I pay for privately, for months, but it’s not really helping. I have been referred for EMDR but I can’t have that until I have him 100% out of my life.

I just feel stuck on a hamster wheel of stress, anxiety, fear and just want it all to stop and go away! But I know it will take time, and breaking the addiction and freeing myself from him is the first step. Although sadly, its not as simple as just blocking them is it, they find other means to get to you.

Day by day and trying to be kind to myself is the approach I’m taking for now.

Take care x

[Sungirl]

Hi both above I have recently left an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship and husband threatening to attempt suicide. I’ve been advised to get an occupation order to have him removed from the house. I’m so scared though as he is now laying on the mental health stuff really thick and saying I’m making it worse and will make him homeless. I worry at times no win will believe me and I’m not sure what evidence I need. But I have to persevere for my kids sake. I am struggling to deal with my emotions and feel so angry and hurt because he has caused all of this but shows no empathy. My local Women’s Aid has also not got back to me.
I have been doing the course on this website which I have found the most helpful so far https://bloom.chayn.co/courses. They have some nice practical grounding techniques in each of the sessions. Stay strong ladies

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