please i need advice

[Twins Mum]

Hello I am very new to this forum, I am in a abusive relationship and I don’t know what to do…my husband is always possessive of me that he always find excuse for me not to go out…and if I manage to convince to allow me to go for a walk he will time me and also monitor my movement till I come back home….also he monitors my phone to see who I call and those who call me. he choose friends for me and prevents me from making my own friends. he dictates to me and if I don’t follow what he says he will shout at me seriously, he will say all sort of words, call me names , he will say I am a bad wife because a good wife is meant to respect his husband’s order and always say ok to anything he says even if the wife is not please with it. he will make me apologise even when he is wrong. each time he believe he is always right and I am always wrong. There are lots of rules in the house that I have to follow which if I don’t follow them it will be trouble.
I am really confuse and don’t know what to do. My family like him so much, that my mum and sister always tell me to endure that I will reap the fruit of patience on the kids. is that right?
I am really confuse.

[Lisa]

Hello Twins Mum,

Welcome to the Forum and thank you for posting. I hope you find the support you are looking for here with other Survivors. I am sorry to hear of the control your husband is forcing over you, this is not right and it is abusive behaviour.

I understand it might be difficult to make a call without your husband being aware, but if you are able to then please do try to call the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline. They are available on 0808 2000 247, the Helpline Workers cannot tell you what to do but they can discuss your options based on your circumstances and signpost your to other helpful organisations. There is a voicemail available to request a call back at a safe and convenient time if you know when your husband would not be around.

You could also contact your local support group. They can offer ongoing emotional and practical support face-to-face or over the phone. You can find your local support here.

Well done for reaching out for support, it must have taken a lot of courage. Keep posting to us when you can, there will be support here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Twins Mum]

Thanks so much Lisa for your reply, I would have love to call the helpline and speak to someone about it but I am really scared he will find out through my phone and if he does I will be in big trouble.

[Lisa]

Hello Twins Mum,

The helpline is free to call from any pay phone and doesn’t appear on phone bills. You can buy a cheap pay as you go phone and call us from there. Do you have a phone you can borrow from someone?

Best Wishes,

Lisa

[Ayanna]

Can you ask your GP to help you? Maybe the receptionist?
They will not say anything to him if you tell them how dangerous he is.
When your kids need immunisations or are sick, that is a good time to ask for help at your GP surgery.
When they have a tiny rash or cough or anything what you could use as an excuse, tell the husband you need to bring them to the doctor.
Or maybe you yourself have a headache or dizziness or something that you could use to see a doctor?
Best time when he works.
What about the health visitor? Do they still come?

What your husband does is so wrong and he has no right to do that.
But be careful, do not let him know that you are making enquiries and do not say anything to him that makes him suspicious.

Keep posting here whenever you are safe to do so.

[Confused123]

Hi Lovely

Just saw your post, there is no fruit received by living with an abuser, callt he help lien and get help for yourself. My family used to love my ex too, this is not a life to live and with age it gets harder to tolerate, the kids also get messed up from what they see, please note abuse with your gp and get the helpline to refer u to other agencies that can help you. They say so much rubbish that we actually beleive we might be c**p wives, its actually them that are the c**p husband. I have been personally abused in all areas, i know what hellit is when they control our every moment and isolate us. This is abuse what he is doing to you, your body is telling you the same, dont ignore and dont listen to your family, it is you experienceing the abuse

[older lady]

Hello, Twins Mum. I just read your post too. Maybe you can post back on the forum, when you feel it is safe to do so. I hope you are okay. Take care xx

[anna]

Hello twins mum’
well done for reaching out to the forum. It is really scary when we are being controlled like that. In my case it was my mum doing it. Though I did not live with her still very damaging.
Like lisa and the other ladies have said reach out for help and support if you can.Just keep very safe and make sure husband does not know.
I too had lots of family and friends tell me to stay with my abuser. Some friends who were well meaning but did not understand the power and control dynamics of an abusive relationship told me I should just set my mother boundaries. They thought I should just tell her not to do such and such!
setting boundaries with an abusive person does not work as they know perfectly well what they are doing and dont care! Most people outside of an abusive relationship with normal families mistakenly think ( based on their own experiences) that an abuser would be mortified if they knew they were hurting us and would stop if we just had the gumption to ask!
Not only setting boundaries does not work but invariably make things worse as the abuser increases the control/abuse when they see us trying to assert our own rights.
It also made me feel to blame that I was allegedly so unforgiving and bringing the abuse on myself by not setting boundaries! This made me further isolated.
My husband also strongly encouraged me to stay in a relationship with my mum and he would constantly minimise the abuse saying just to ignore her! ( she was lovely to him and abusive to me)
He has apologised since and I now realise how frightened of her he was ( when I left he thought she would hurt me) so he was aware of what was happening. So I fully understand how you feel about family members telling you to stay!
Obviously no one will tell you to stay or leave as that is your decision and anyone who has been in abusive relationship knows how terrifying and also guilt inducing it is to even consider leaving.
In relation to your comment about your children My own experience with my now adult son has shown me that even though he was not abused by my mum and the majority in fact nearly all the time he did not witness any abuse toward me ( my mum would wait till he had left the room to be nasty and be abusive over the phone that sort of thing) it has affected him badly. As an adult he struggles to assert himself. for instance when he has to tell me that he cant come for a visit to see me he gets quite anxious. I love my son and totally understand he may want to go off and do other things and have never been abusive with him. But being conditioned to put up with granny, ( i did the whole we have to ignore granny, she is mentally not well and does not mean to be horrible to me blah blah) I feel what I was actually teaching him was not only do you have to tolerate abuse it is normal and acceptable behaviour! So now my son struggles with boundaries and thinks he has to explain at great lengths to people his reason for doing things and he worries extremley about upsetting people and thinks he is responsible for their feelings. And I worry I have inadvertantly put him at risk of abuse in future relationships because he has seen me tolerating abuse and thinks thats what relationships are about. And of course he heard his Dad telling him the same message.
But equally I am kind to myself because no one understands the fear that happens when in an abusive situation our survival instincts kick in and it becomes about getting through each day.
I think you are very brave to reach out on the forum for support. Take care and keep posting

[Author]

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