Please, please help

[Pinkroses]

Hi, it’s my first time on here and it took me soo long to build up the courage to do this. I want to say from the beginning that I’m not British, so please forgive my grammar mistakes.
I have met my husband when I went to university, and he was my first serious relationship. I grew up being told that a woman’s role is to get married, have children, got to work, cook, clean, iron and obey her husband, and I always tried to please my parents, my relatives always afraid of what others might think,so I thought it’s how it’s supposed to be when my husband acting a bit strange, and I always hoped that he will come around, that once we’ll settle and have our family he will respect me more.
I forgot to mention that when I was a teenager, I was sexually abused and came very close to being raped by a family friend. But I never told anyone, because he made me think it was all my fault and nobody will believe me. I think this is why I always found it very difficult to get close to man. So after about 1 year in the relationship, I told my husband what I’ve been through, and all he did was to sit up and avoid any skin contact for about 2-3 days.hile we were in uni, he wasn’t too bad, I was a bit more independent and he was a bit of mummy’s boy. After we finished uni, we moved to UK, and that’s when he started to change. He would try and control me as much as possible, and that wasn’t hard at all, since we were working together, I didn’t had any friends over here and he had access to all I had. Things got worse after I gave birth to our first child, that’s when he started controlling my every move, getting angry if I went shopping, complaining that I spent too much. So I suggested that we do all the shopping together, so he can see exactly what I spent money on, but he would still get mad, saying that he doesn’t understand where all the money are going, and being in a bad mood with me and our daughter. After the birth of our second child, one night, after I finished breastfeeding, I turned to him and tried to hug him. He push me away, saying that I am disgusting, that I make him sick, I shouldn’t expect him to feel attracted to me, considering what I put on some weight after 2 pregnancies. It hurt me soo much to hear him talk like that, because I used to be very thin before, and he knew I was more than aware of the weight I put on. I started crying, but he only got more annoyed, and told me there is no point in crying now, I should be more sexy for him, or else he’ll find someone more attractive. Next day I started a really drastic diet, trying to look as he wanted, but no matter what I tried, I could go back to the exact weight from before pregnancy. He would put me down every time he had the chance, didn’t matter if it was just us, or in public. And ever since that night I haven’t stopped feeling disgusting, ashamed of myself, ashamed to dress nice. But he always acted like that night never happened, like he never said those horrible things to me.
When I started loosing some weight, he would expect us to have sex every day, it didn’t matter if I was up for it or not. If I told him I’m not in the mood, or not well, he would start sulking and ignore me, until I would go and beg for his attention. He said that he needs sex every day, and I “ruined his life”, and he’ll teach me how to behave and how to respect him,and if I don’t give him what he want, he’ll divorce and find it somewhere else. But at the same time, he’s threatening me he’ll kill me if I ever think of leaving him, that he loves me and can’t imagine living without me. He has access to my phone, all my social media, and he would kick off if he sees I’ve talked to anyone. He loves putting everyone down, he would badmouth anyone, just to try and make me think bad of them. He’ll check my bank account and kick off for every transaction I make, no matter how small, and he’ll be shouting and threatening me in front of the children.
But is very confusing, because after a while, he will stop and behave like nothing happened.
In front of all our friends hell act like nothing is wrong, like we are the perfect couple, but at times he would make jokes on my behalf.if we are in a group, I need to stay next to him, as quiet as I can, and if he thinks I am enjoying myself too much, he will start sulking and whispering nasty comments to me. There are times when he acts normal, we can laugh and joke, but I am always extra careful with what I say, or how I say it so he won’t get mad. Please, tell me if I am wrong to think this is an abusive behaviour, because I honestly don’t know what to do. I don’t want my children to grow up thinking that it is acceptable to treat your loved one like this, or to accept anything like this from someone else.
I also want to say that nobody else knows about all this, as I always acted like everything is perfect, just as I was raised to. I got to a point where I think nobody cares, not even my family, and I don’t really have friends as I lost touch with them long ago, when he started controlling me so much, just to avoid any further arguments. Please, tell me what you think. I feel like I need to talk now, before I loose all the little courage I managed to build.

[Eggshells]

Dear Pinkroses. Hello and welcome to the site.

I am so sorry to hear about what has been happening. If you are altering your behaviour to please him and if you are scared of the consequences if you don’t, then it is abuse. From what you have written it certainly sounds very controlling and abusive.

If he has access to your phone, please ensure that you take safety precautions to ensure that you don’t leave any trace of your use of this website as it could make him very angry.

The realisation of what has been happening is the start of a journey. If you can phone Women’s Aid, they can help you. You can only phone them when he is not in the same building as you and make sure that you delete the call from your call log afterwards.

Well done for taking the step of posting on here. That in itself can be a huge hurdle which you have successfully jumped. There a lots of people here who can help you understand what has been happening and they will support you when you need it.

Sending you love. xx

[Anonymous]

This sounds very familiar. My ex was very much the same, controlling after I’d given birth and made me feel disgusting because “I was not what he wanted” but would not let me leave. I am sorry to hear you have been though this too.

I think its important you get yourself referred to women’s aid, you can self refer, because this man is definitely abusive. He will drive you mad thinking he’s not, because people dont see it. My ex, is praised by ‘professionals’ for being ‘supportive’ but to me, he will speak in code… saying bad things dressed up as nice things, so people don’t get that its abuse.

I think you are very brave and very strong for admitting what you have been through with this person.

[Pinkroses]

Thank you for your support and advice. I feel a lot better now, at least I know I’m not going crazy and I am not overreacting by thinking the way he treats me is abusive. If anything, I can see it clearer and I’m more aware of the signs now. I went to library and read “Living with the dominator” and it felt like that book was written based on him, it was such a good description of the way he acts and behaves.
Some months ago, I felt really down, like I was trapped and there was no way out. I tried to talk to him, but he lost his patience and said that I am depressed and should go to the doctor. I used to love going out, doing a lot of sport, socialising, meeting with friends and having a good time, laughing. But slowly, I became a different person, because every time we would get out of the house we would end up arguing, mostly him saying that he wasn’t in the mood to get out and I dragged him, that all he wanted to do was rest and all I want is to parade in front of everyone, looking for attention. So I stopped meeting with friends, and even if I go to the hairdresser or to have my nails done, he would call me, complaining that it takes too long, and using the children to make me feel bad and to rush back home ASAP.
After that talk, when he said I am depressed, every time he get angry he tells me I’m crazy and should be locked away in a “madhouse”,as he calls it. I know I’m not depressed, I am just scared to be my normal self because of how he may react. I became a shadow of the person I used to be, unable to make even the smallest decision by myself. I’ve been seriously considering a divorce, but I am too terrified of what he might do if I tell him, as he’s threaten to kill me if I ever think of leaving him. I have days when I remember that I am strong, and can get through it, but other days he gets in my head and believe everything he says about me being weak, not able to survive without him, doing only bad things and that nobody really cares about me. I hope I have the strength to go through what is coming, I realise it’s going to be extremely difficult, but I have to do it, and to be able to raise my children as I wish, without fear or constant arguments.

[Camel]

Hi Pinkroses

I’m so sorry to hear of the pain you are enduring every day. Please accept that it is abuse. Nothing you do is causing it. Nothing you do will make things better. Nothing you do will prevent it getting worse.

You have modified your behaviour to the point where you’re ceasing to exist in your own right. All your energy, I mean ALL your energy, is directed at trying to avoid triggering him. Believe me, he will never stop finding things that irritate and anger him. Consider all the things you’ve given up in this pointless quest to win his approval – or at least, shut him up for five minutes.

You’re obviously intelligent. You’re educated and write English extremely well, considering it’s not your first language. You managed to maintain close friendships before this toxic relationship. You had fun and cared for yourself and the sky didn’t fall down on you. And despite his crazy making you’re strong enough to know that you’re not depressed.

You and your children deserve to be happy. They will see what’s going on and if they’re not yet moderating their behaviour they will be as they grow.

Keep yourself safe. Don’t try to discuss his behaviour with him. I can imagine how isolated you’re feeling but never forget that he’s the one who isolated you. It sounds like you’ve made space for yourself in the library. Keep this time precious and secret and use it to decide what you want to do.

I truly hope you make safe contact with people who will listen to you, believe you, and offer you support and advice.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Pinkroses,

Welcome to the forum and I’m sorry to hear what you are going through. Your husband sounds like a classic abuser. My ex was similar, snooping around my phone checking who I had been speaking to, very controlling, always making cruel ‘jokes’ about me, also commenting on my body and food despite the fact that I was so anxious I was underweight.

If you read more threads on here you will see that they are all the same, it’s like they all go to abuser college to learn how to be vile to women and hurt us. Look up the Power and Control Wheel in google and also the Cycle of Abuse, those both helped me a lot.

Also ring the helpline, they can call you back at a convenient time if you leave a voicemail, just make sure your husband will be out. Also contact your local women’s aid, some of them have drop in services I think. Keep reading, keep posting and keep safe.

[Lisa]

Hi Pinkroses

Welcome to the forum, i can see you have had some great support already.

Your husband sounds very controlling and emotionally abusive, and you absolutely do not deserve to be treated like this. It is very important not to let on in any way that you are wanting the relationship to end or that you are getting any kind of support as his threat to kill you if you leave is serious.

It would be a good idea if you can get yourself a second phone, just a cheap pay as you go phone that you can hide somewhere so that you can make and receive calls safely to get support from a local domestic abuse charity as well as the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247, you wont need to have much money on this phone as any service supporting you will be able to call you back straight away if you say that you have very little credit.

Its great that you have found the courage to post on this forum, there is lots of support out there for you to make a safe plan to leave as and when you are ready, so you don’t have to feel like you are taking on this huge task of leaving on your own.

Take care and keep posting to let us know how you are doing.

Lisa

[Pinkroses]

Thank you all so much, it means a lot to me. It’s still very confusing and I have moments when I think it’s all in my head,even now. What makes it more difficult is that in front of everyone else he acts like he’s the most caring husband and everyone we know told me I am very lucky to have him, and that I should be grateful for the love he has for me. Close friends have seen glimpses of his anger, because he’s very short tempered, but they still think that he is the best husband a woman can have. But behind closed doors he is very different, he snaps at me for anything, puts me down and makes me do things just to keep him happy and avoid any further scandals, unfortunately not very long. He would expect me to have sex with him whenever he wants to, and if I say no, or avoid him, he would get angry. He has a habit of touching me in ways I am not comfortable with, but if I say anything he would say I should stop being so fussy, and let him do as he like, it’s not like it’s going to kill me to bear it for a bit. All this is making me feel like dirt, I am disgusted with myself, I ended up having to dread going to bed, because I know what is coming. It’s been years since I felt something while being intimate, but I have to pretend or else he would kick off.
All I wish is to be able to get away from him, safely, with my children

[Camel]

Hi Pinkroses

I hope you have been able to get some support since your last post.

Please trust your instincts. Whether you label it abuse or not, you never have to put up with things that make you miserable, uncomfortable or scared.

Your friends may tell you how lucky you are but that really isn’t for them to say. Only you know how he makes you feel. Don’t let their comments make you feel you are imagining things. You can’t blame outsiders for the opinions they’ve formed (based on his fake public face). Sadly, this often means close friends aren’t able to offer the support and validation we crave.

Don’t feel you need to justify how you feel to anyone.

[Pinkroses]

Thank you again to all of you for your support, it truly meant a lot to me, and it helped me decide to take action. I finally built up the courage to call the helpline, and the woman I talked to was so very understanding and supportive, and she gave me a contact number for a local charity that works with domestic abuse. I talked to them today and the lady I talked to was just as supportive, I have been allocated a support worker but didn’t managed to get in touch with them as it was too late by the time it was safe enough to be able to talk. Hopefully on Monday I’ll manage to get in touch with the support worker and make an appointment. I feel a bit better now, I finally understand that all he did was not normal, and I should trust my instinct. I am just soo terrified that social services will get involved and take my children away from me, which will destroy me, as they are the main reason I am doing all of this, they are the ones that made me want to put an end to his behaviour. Please, can you share some of your experience in cases like this? Have I done even worse? Will I have my children taken away from me?

[KIP.]

You are reaching out for help for you and your children. You’re doing your absolute best for your children, even in the face of abuse which we all know is difficult to navigate. Nobody is going to take your children from you for those reasons. My ex always threatened to take my child from me and it was a threat that kept me with him for many many years. It’s a very common threat they make and it makes us paranoid. Your support worker will be able to,guide and reassure you, so please don’t panic. Just keep a secret journal of all that’s going on in your relationship. Reach out to your GP too. Keep going x

[Flowerchild]

Darling, nobody is going to take your children away from you!

Social services are there to make sure the children are being well looked after. You sound like a super mum! Your children’s best interests are right at the top of your list in everything you do.

We know calling you mad and saying your children will be taken into care are two very common lies that abusive men tell their victims to try to silence them. It’s very common to hear these lies but that doesn’t make them true.

One thing that does really get children taken away is if a mother reports violent abuse from a partner and then stays with him or goes back to him!

Many women end up having to choose between their children and their partner. I don’t think you’d have a moment’s hesitation, would you?

Your children are safe with you and he can’t threaten that. He may try, but nobody will believe any stories he tells without evidence. They will meet you and see what a great mum you are.

Hold tight and don’t be drawn in by his lies. He does not have the power he imagines he has. You have much more power than you realise.

Flower x

[Pinkroses]

I was so close on walking away, even build up the courage to tell him I am scared of him and I don’t love him anymore, been to a couple counselling once and when I told him I want to leave. But he just dropped to his knees begging me not to take the children away, and to give him a last chance. Kept saying that nhe never thought I was feeling like this, and that all I said hurts him very bad, but still doesn’t want to lose me and he still loves me more than anything in the world. I was foolish enough to fall for it, and I thought he will change. We went for 2 weeks back home for our holiday, and in front of everyone he behaved like the most loving person, but when we were alone, be used to tell me I don’t give him enough attention and I ignore him all the time, that we should only spend time ourselves, that he tries to do his best, but I am not interested. Somehow, he felt he was ignored mostly when we were around my part of the family, when we went to him hometown everything was normal. We still argued few times, but while away, and that made me realise that he will never change, and no matter what, we’ll always go back to the way things were before, with me to afraid of his reaction to talk openly, trying to keep him happy for the sake of the children. A short while after we came back, it was our son’s birthday, and he kicked off again, having a go at me and shouting. That day he got snappy with our boy as well, but in the evening when everyone sat down at the table he was all nice, telling me how much he loves me, and how lucky he is to have me in his life. Next day he pretended like everything was fine, being all smiles, kissing me all the time. Since then, he had a few more slips, but is mainly acting like we have the perfect relationship, and he’s keep saying that he is trying, but I am not. To be honest, I got to the point where I am not interested anymore, I have had enough of this cheap play, I just want to take my children and go, but I am still afraid of the way he will react. I can’t keep going on being stressed all the time, wondering when he will kick off again, and why. Should I wait a bit longer, give him some more time, or should I just go now, before I lose all my courage again and allow him to take back full control of my life, of every move I make? Please, please give me some advice as I am very confused and uncertain at the moment. Thank you

[Iwantmeback]

Hi PinkRoses, you are so very brave and much much stronger than you realise. We don’t give ourselves credit for the strength it takes to stay in an abusive relationship. It took me just under a year from my first post to when I eventually left my abusive husband. I’d been looking online for nearly 2 years along things like why did my husband hate me, i eventually came across the WA forum, that was my lifeline. I posted as often as i could learning what i was going through was domestic abuse/ violence. The more i learned the more i regressed. In the early days i was like the sterotypical bag lady. My hair was a riot, my roots hasn’t been done in months, my personal hygiene was awful, i top and tailed on a good day. My diet went right out the window, from healthy eating to cakes and biscuits and chocolate. I lost all interest in everything. I’ve since came across 2 suicide letters, note they weren’t notes, they were full blown letters.
Your oh is chopping and changing from Jekyll and Hyde. Keep posting and reading others posts. The shameful thing is ALL our stories are so similar and sometimes downright identical. I’ve often remarked to someone they were living with my oh(I’ve not called him my husband in over a year).
You will have your enough is enough moment, each is individual to ourselves. Mine came about when he refused to go to a family funeral, that was the day my marriage ended in my heart once and for all. It’s taken  months for me to really know I’ve done the right thing. The longer
I’m away from him, the clearer his abusive ways are. I live in a wee flat thanks to my local WA and I’ll never go back. I hope your enough is enough day comes soon. Just remember that it takes enormous strength to stay in a war zone, and that is what we live in day in day out. We do what we do to survive. This is not and has never been your fault mo charaid (My friend)
IWMB 💞💞

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