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I just wanted to write this for those of you who are still in an abusive relationship and have children. I am probably biased because the abuse i suffered and was witness to growing up was very extreme. I wanted to say that the affect of the abuse that my mother suffered at the hands of my dad is just as bad as the abuse I suffered myself so even if your partner isn’t harming your children directly they will be affected by witnessing what you are going through and feeling bad they can’t protect you etc. At a very minimum you should talk to your children about what’s going on and let them know that it’s wrong and ideally leave as soon as possible depending on your own personal circumstances.
I am not meaning to lecture. Not very good at writing stuff. If you have any questions please message me. -
Thanks for sharing that. There’s loads of research now that shows how badly children are affected by witnessing abuse. It can affect them for the rest of their life. They often don’t realise the connection because the abuse became ‘normal’ to them. Abuse in front of children is now classed as child abuse. Goodness knows the long term damage that comes from being abused as a child. Are you receiving counselling. I found it was a great way to process the abuse.
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I’m pretty sure one of mine has been deeply affected by the abuse. I’ve suggested the Freedom Program to her but it’s like she tunes out if I mention anything about mine and her father’s relationship. I hope one day I find the way to be able to reach her – I just hope she knows how much I love her and always will.
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This thread is hitting very close to home for me. My partner has 2 children who spend half their time with us. When we first moved in together, when they were there, it was the only time I felt “safe” (whatever that means) as he put on his best behaviour. I willed the days to go by until they were with us again. However, in the last (detail removed0 – I can pinpoint the actual event that started it – he has gradually built up to the EXACT same behaviour he displays when they are not there in front of them. It started with one critical comment towards me, presented as a “joke” at the tea table. (detail removed by moderator) he was so vile when I went into their bedroom one evening after coming in from work, shouting hello to the 3 of them and getting no reply for 2 hours (they shouted goodnight, silence from him) and deciding to check if he had fallen asleep or not in there (he has in the past) as I would turn the big light off. (detail removed by moderator) His eldest was wide awake. He then came to speak to me after and was so cruel he had me cowering, hysterically crying, I took myself off into our spare room as it’s furthest from the kids bedroom, to try and calm down and stop crying. After(detail removed) or so he came storming in and shouted at me to grow up as the kids would hear me – he was being ten times louder than I was being! It frightens me how affected they must be, I’ve told him this, but he just brushes me off and says “no they’re not” or “it’s none of your business”. Yet he lives in my house and contributes nothing financially towards it. I just don’t know what to do.
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I’m sorry to hear that you are being treated badly by your partner.
In relation to his children are you able to talk to their mother and see if she is happy them still coming to stay when their dad is behaving how he is? If that isn’t an option you could let the children know that the way their father behaves is wrong and isn’t their fault at all. -
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Spiral, Cecile, thanks for your replies. I have a good relationship with this ex wife, mother of kids. He was VERY reluctant for us to ever meet but we forced the issue when he moved in. I quickly realised why he didn’t want this to happen as she told me about his controlling behaviour, his alcoholism, but naively I thought I could make him better. Her and I have had some chats in recent weeks and I don’t understand her – I’ve told her how bad he is and she just replies that she has to allow them to see him as she has to work to support them (to my knowledge, he doesn’t give her any money either) and she “needs the break”. She has a new partner. I’m no psychologist but I do feel she let him get away with his behaviours for many years with no real consequences, he constantly breaks the court order they have in place which states he shouldn’t drink for 24 hours before having the kids and when they are around but all she says is “what can I do?”
I try to speak to the kids but they are just ushered away from me, we don’t even sit together for meals anymore. I’ve learnt the best thing to do is just stay out of the way as best as I can while they’re here which absolutely breaks my heart. I used to have a wonderfully close relationship with them, they must wonder what on Earth has happened. The eldest has recently got a mobile phone and when my partner wasn’t around I insisted she took my number and can message me any time, even if she’s in the house here. She is an anxious child but he chooses to disregard it most of the time, blaming it on her age etc. It’s awful. -
It sounds like you have done everything you can. It’s good his eldest can message you if she needs to. Hopefully they have a better example of how a man should behave with their mum’s new partner. I guess if things get worse and you don’t think the children are safe you could notify the authorities about your partner breaking his court order but make sure you keep yourself safe to. It definitely sounds like you would be better of without him.
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