Please reassure me it will get easier

[IWillSurvive]

Hello. Newbie here. Left an emotionally abusive relationship fairly recently and have been feeling MUCH better for getting out and being away from it all and not having to live with it any more. But the past few weeks have been increasingly tough. Feels like I’m starting to let go of the walls I’d built and the feelings I’d shut down and I don’t think I’d consciously realised how much I had been doing both those things or for how long. Seems like the world is full of triggers now and I’m overly sensitive to many things and getting not-quite-flashbacks but very strong reminders of things I thought I’d dealt with. I figure this is all part of the healing and recovery process – I have to go through it, open it all up and let it out, to come out the other side. But this week has been particularly tough and I’ve had several big crying jags and felt ambushed by overwhelming responses to things I wasn’t expecting to trigger so much baggage. I have wonderful support from friends and many folk who’ve been through divorce and tell me it does get easier, but I really feel like I need someone to tell me from the other side of an emotionally abusive relationship that yes, we can get through it and past it and put it to rest, get some closure and acceptance and move forwards. I am not doing the no contact thing I’ve read about, as he’s not a threat to me or the kids, I’m strong enough now to stand up to his ongoing attempts to control me, and he is actually stepping up and improving his relationship with the kids now and I want them to rebuild that bond, it’s important to me. I don’t need him out of my life completely because we do need to coparent effectively, but that seems to be settling into a routine and kind of more of a businesslike relationship. I just need him out of my head and my heart. I need to get all the baggage unpacked and processed and sorted where it belongs, in the past. And I know it takes time and I have to be patient and all that jazz… I do have a counsellor and a wonderful GP and the best friends in the world, my kids are fantastic and I am healing. But I go through those dark phases where I feel like I’m going to be stuck with this forever and I just would like to have someone say “I hear you, I felt that way too, but look where I am now – you will get through it.” Does that make sense? Thank you, ladies. I’ve gained a lot of strength from reading the forum and you’re all very brave and I thank you for sharing your stories x*x

[Anonymous]

Hi there, I will try to be helpful but I cannot promise these feelings will ever completely go away. I have been made to have contact with my ex and it is really hard. However, I have done things to take myself out of the situation (new interests, courses etc) which give me something to focus on.

[Silks]

Hi, I wil survive,

I am many years out of an abusive relationship and although I have managed to keep going for my sanity and my children. You never fully recover. I have my own home, my children are all successful and doing well. I am in a new relationship with an absolute gentleman who treats me like a princess. The scars from my marriage have changed me as a person and it has taken years to take the barriers down one by one.

My husband died of a heart attack recently and for the first time I feel I can have a lovely relationship with my children and my grandchild without interference from him. I can honestly say I still breakdown when I look back at my life, I feel stupid for being afraid of a man half my size, the fear is the worst thing to get over. I write all the time and this is how I park all the nagative feelings and I value my relationship with my children and grandchild. Your children will give you the strength to keep going and they need you to make them feel safe. Well done for getting out, I know it wasn’t easy but believe me you have done the right thing.

You will get there, just take one day at a time, don’t look at the big picture, baby steps…..

xx

Silks

[IWillSurvive]

Hi silks

Please don’t feel stupid or give yourself a hard time about what happened. I keep thinking maybe I should have left sooner but I was trying so hard to make it work for the kids. I have so many people around me supporting me and telling me I’ve done the right thing that I mostly manage not to listen to the voice telling me I’m weak or stupid or whatever. I think that negative self talk is there for all of us but you sound like you’ve rebuilt a wonderful life and you can enjoy the present and future now. Love and hugs x

[strong soul]

Hello I will survive, I’m so glad to hear that you’re getting counselling as well as alot of support from your family and friends. There are too many women who go through this alone. I am one of them. What you’re experiencing is perfectly normal. It’s a cross between the empowering feeling of breaking free and the doubt that you can make it without him in your life. Please don’t be complacent about your ex partners apparent good nature. If he treated you badly before he will do it again. You are stronger than you think, stick with the counselling sessions and good luck xx

[Lightness]

Hello IWillSurvive
Firstly, well done you for getting out of the emotionally abusive relationship. This shows that you are already a survivor. It takes a lot of strength and courage to get to this point. I can relate to the feelings you are experiencing. It is really hard, particularly for the first six months. In my experience it does get better. I think the brain has a way of protecting us while we are experiencing the ongoing trauma of abuse. It seems to me that once we leave we start to experience the trauma and all associated with it (PTSD). For you it will be particularly hard as you are not able to go ‘no contact’. Grey rock technique/strictly business is the way. I would be very cautious of him.
For me, it does get easier as time goes on. Creating new memories, meeting new friends and being able to dream about a better future all help. It is good that you have a counsellor as you have been through a lot and you will need someone who validates what you have experienced and who can help you deal with your feelings through this difficult time.
In terms of getting him out of your head and heart I would read up as much as you can about abusive men. That should help your brain adjust to the cognitive dissonance and trauma bond and should also help you achieve closure. Well done, you will get there x

[Serenity]

I was told that the pain might always be there- but be like an irritating scab rather than a deep wound. I agree with this.

I think abuse changes you. Ok, it makes you less naive, trusting and idealistic, but it makes you stronger, wiser and alert. X*x

[IWillSurvive]

Thank you all so so much. I’ve been busy reading up on the grey rock technique and cognitive dissonance and trauma bonding. Wasn’t aware of any of those things and they’ve been really helpful. It feels easier to deal with the more I understand it from a clinical objective point of view. Much harder when I’m in the storm of my emotions. I guess it is a ptsd kind of thing now as I was suppressing so much and now it’s safe for that to come out. It scares me a lot to see how much worse it was than I realised when I was in it. But I imagine it would’ve been even scarier to see that while I was still there. So I can understand that as a defence mechanism. I just wasn’t at all ready for the drowning feeling this week. I knew it would be hard and I’d have to work through it but I didn’t realise quite how little of the “iceberg” I was able to see, as it were. I really want to believe that the man I fell in love with and was happy with is still in there, and that he will find his way back to being him. I want that for him and for our kids. But I know I did the right thing getting out and I know I will always be better without him than with him, now. I can never go back there again and trust him again. I think he will do what he has to do for the kids, even though he couldn’t do it for me. It’s sad… I’m grieving for what I lost a long time ago and spent years trying to save.

Thank you all for your support. It really has made a big difference to me. X

[Tuppance]

Dear Iwillsurvive
It reads as though you are just one step ahead of me on your journey of new freedom. I am very nearly out.
I can relate totally to the new relationship you want to form with you ex and your desires for him to have a better parental relationship with your children – that is something I want and have told my husband. I want to have a positive co parenting relationship and I want my husband to accept his wrong doing and change to how he used to be. I want him to find love again and be with someone – just not me. I don’t think they realise, just because we have left for the better life we wish for ourselves and our kids, that we too have to grieve the end of our marriage, grieve the loss of the man we fell in love with, come to terms with the fact that this man who promised to love us , in the midst of love , hurt us so very deeply. Just because we choose to leave doesn’t make it easier. I wish you luck and sending you a hug as you continue to Sallie forth. You have done a wonderful thing for all your family, and you. Take comfort knowing how caringly and compassionately you are dealing with it all, him too. Your ideals match mine – in time, with patience and constancy, we will get there and the children will remember your dedication to encouraging and supporting your husbands relationship with them. Well donex

[IWillSurvive]

Yes!!! Exactly totally that. Thank you. So wonderful to find people who can really identify with where I am. Really helps to have that validation. And in turn I can tell you that it’s been sooooo much easier for me since I got out. For all that it’s hard now, I know full well that it’s still a lot better than when I was in it, and that’s what I hold onto. We are the lucky ones, finding the strength to say enough’s enough, and to get out. Hugs.

TBH I have given up hoping that he will accept responsibility for his behaviour and go back to being his real self. While I still had that hope, I could justify staying and trying to work it out. But it’ll only happen if and when he’s ready to do it for himself, and I think he’s got too much locked away to handle it. I want him to be happy but have accepted that I can’t help him with that.

Totally with you on the grieving. Most people get that, but there are a few very close to me who really don’t, who say that I’ve made this choice and forced it on everyone else, and they’re supporting him and the kids but not me. Very hard. And I guess that doesn’t help with the ptsd side of things because it means I still have to suppress a lot when I am with those folk. I genuinely think they are waiting for me to get over this silly phase and go back, because they just can’t comprehend that it was as bad as all that. I do understand that the split is hard for everyone but what I don’t understand is that they seem to believe that I would put everyone through this if there was a better alternative. Yes, I made a decision to leave, but it certainly didn’t feel like a choice, and it took me a LONG time to accept that it was the only option left. I never wanted this. It wasn’t what I signed up for. But I can make a better life for me and the kids without him than with him. That’s the sad truth of it. And I think it’s done him good too, not that he will see it that way for a long time or ever, but it’s forcing him to take at least some responsibility for his life and his parenting and his relationship with our kids, and I am starting to see their relationship healing now, and that’s worth all of it, because I need my kids to be happy and they need a decent relationship with both their parents. I think they’ve accepted that we can’t be happy together so it’s better for us to be happy apart. It’s been really hard for them but I can see the positive signs when I’m in the right frame of mind to look for them. There’s just that part of me that’s impatient, that says I’m out now so can’t I just ditch all the baggage and get on with rebuilding? But it doesn’t work like that. So I’m trying to accept that oscillation now between the good days when I’m really making progress in my new life, and the bad ones when I’m stuck in the aftermath of the old one. I guess over time I will have more of the former and less of the latter.

So glad I found this forum. Really helps to have others who are on similar journeys. It’ll never be exactly the same for any two of us but the support is invaluable. I wish you all the best x

[Lightness]

IWS
I hope you can minimise the time you have to spend with those that don’t get it. It is really unhelpful to have to hear negative stuff from people on top of having to deal with your own FOG. IF you have experienced emotional abuse plus gas lighting, denial and minimisation, the last thing you need is flying monkeys or people that don’t get it trying to somehow put the blame on you. That will slow your recovery. Put your needs before that unhelpful stuff x

[IWillSurvive]

Hello lightness

I am learning so much from this forum! Have now looked up FOG and flying monkeys – the latter is totally what I’m dealing with. People close to me who’ve believed his story over mine, and not only hurt me by what that means they must think me capable of, but also terrified me by sounding EXACTLY like his Mr Hyde – they’ve really bought into his twisted persepective and judged me in the same way he did and said some truly hurtful things. It felt like I was in one of those movies where the lead character is suddenly horribly betrayed by those closest to them and no longer knows who to trust. His words coming out of their mouths. Genuinely the hardest part of this whole thing. But thankfully the flying monkeys are in the minority and my support network are with me 100%. I can’t go no contact because the kids are very close to them but I am taking steps to protect your myself. Makes the abuse into the elephant in the room but for now, that’s the only way I can handle it. Helps so much to talk to others who’ve been there and really understand. Thank you x

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

It is painful process but u do survice it and it does get easier in time, u learn to re discover youself, ui get days where your not even sure what you want, but beena way from them helps so much, yes the contact will have triggers, but i can only suggest that you learn techniques to deal with him so he can only habve minimum impact, i find having boundaries in place will help u as u go along , so nice to hear u have lovely support around you

[IWillSurvive]

Thank you. The grey rock thing has been helpful. Boundaries are critical I think. I have little contact with him now as he’s avoiding me as far as possible so it’s not so much him triggering stuff any more so much as other things which remind me or take me back to before I got out. But I’ve been steadier over the past few days and got my faith back that it will get easier. You guys have helped so much with that x

[Serenity]

When you hit troughs like this (and you will, from time to time), it’s important to do a quick assessment.

Where is the self-care lacking?
Are you neglecting yourself for other people’s needs too much? Have you slipped back into people-pleasing mode and not done enough for yourself?
Have you been steered off course by something? Has something made you question yourself recently?
What support could you do with right now that you’re not getting? Could you get that extra help?
Do you feel stuck? Do you need to make some kind of plan or write down some goals? Achieving small goals will help you feel empowered.

Sometimes, these feelings of trauma swim around and make us feel paralysed and disempowered. It helps to write down a plan of how you can increase in energy and power- even small things help.

[IWillSurvive]

I’m slowly getting a handle on that stuff, each time I hit a low I am coping a little better. Main thing is I’m reaching out to friends rather than closing off and battling it alone. I did find a list like yours online and have pinned it to my desk! X*x

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