- This topic has 15 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 8 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
I am desperate for help. My husband of (detail removed by moderator) is abusive. Over the first (detail removed by moderator) there were times when it was physical – He’s thrown me around, hit me with the wing mirror while reversing the car, smacked my head on the stairs while ‘play fighting’, and some other instances.
The emotional abuse has been constant, whether he’s in a fit of rage or isolating me with silent treatment. He is very manipulative. I have asked him for a divorce, and he has agreed to separating. However, he hasn’t left. He says that he will continue to live in our home until I have found somewhere to live. He knows that I have no income and nowhere to go, so he is using this to his advantage.
He is now financially abusing me. He refuses to give me any money for food shopping or even buying clothes for my son. He says that he will give me the money when I show him the receipts. I have to comply, because before this, I was practically begging him for shopping money for weeks and he was ignoring me. He was bringing himself a take out every night, and leaving me with whatever I can find in the kitchen and no money to buy food. Every once in a while, he’d message me asking if I want takeaway. Of course I would say yes immediately – I’m pregnant, breastfeeding and starving. He believes the household duties are beneath him, and he refuses to do anything. I have (detail removed by moderator), I’m a single mum to our (detail removed by moderator) son and I’m (detail removed by moderator) pregnant. He had shown no interest in my current pregnancy and has not asked me once about it.
He recently moved everything from our new home back into our old home. He did this behind my back. Where we now live, is filthy and smelly and he has just finished dumped or belongings in, expecting me to sort it out. When I first returned to this house (I was away at my mum’s when he did the move) I only had the bedroom. I had to sort the kitchen out myself, some of my family came and sorted the dining area for me. He sleeps in the living room and has done for months now. The bedroom has a filthy carpet, which causes me and my son difficulty in breathing through the night. (Detail removed by moderator). So come sunrise, my son wakes up thinking it’s time to play and I have to put him back to sleep. The blind also stinks, so the room is always smelly. I try to keep it as clean as I can. I’ve begged him for money for cheap blinds and to hire a carpet cleaner. He tells me he has no money. I’m in ripped, old clothes. He has new trainers, new sunglasses, Netflix and an expensive gym membership. He is also out of the house all day until 3 or 4 am, everyday.
I could go on all year about things he has done. But to sum him up, while I was having a miscarriage, I was curled up in the floor crying my eyes out, while my beloved husband tired over me, screaming, “YOU JUST LOVE TO PLAY THE F*****G VICTIM.” He then say on the bed and watched me crawl to the toilet to pass my miscarried baby.
I am really stuck and need desperate help. He is recording everything that I say. He silently provokes me and then records my reaction. I know this because his behaviour has changed recently. He made the mistake of telling me that he recorded me once, and now he does not come in front of me without his phone in his hand. But he barely says anything and acts really calm, where he would normally kick off. He also sends me texts as if he is someone else, wishing me well and telling me the ‘nice’ things he’s been doing for me. He has text me saying that he is worried about my mental health and that he isn’t the only one who had noticed. (Detail removed by moderator).
I am terrified of him. But I had a bipolar diagnosis before I married him. I have been completely stable and off meds for (detail removed by moderator) years now. But before that, I didn’t realise I was being abused. And I went mental.
I’m scared that he’s planning on using it against me, if we separate. I only went as mad as I did because of the abuse.
I only have evidence of the recent financial abuse. (Detail removed by moderator). He was raised in an abusive home – I am convinced that when my son is old enough to answer back, he will not hesitate to hit him. (Detail removed by moderator)
Everyone thinks he is amazing. He’s the charming one, I’m the crazy one. I have no money and we have a joint mortgage on the house, so I don’t think I will be entitled to benefits. My family have gone against me. My mum thinks that I should cook and clean more, then he will become mine. I told them he once raped me. They genuinely told me that a husband can’t take his wife.
I don’t know how to get out. Someone please help me.
-
Hi Ziggy. I’ve read all your post. Please stop for a moment and take a breath. It sounds horrific and you sound terribly vulnerable. Keep all the texts you can. Keep all correspondence. It belongs to you.
None of his behaviour is your fault. If you are in immediate danger please call 999. If you have somewhere safe to go for a while and friends nearby please call 101 and ask for the Domestic Abuse team. Please keep posting. You can call Samaritans too.
Call WA as well and they can call you back. At the moment you seem terrified. It is the circumstances. It is nothing to do with your diagnosis.
-
This really does seem abusive and I think the tactic they use of trying to turn it on us is a common one from various women’s experiences on here.
You should speak to citizens advice bureau with regards to your financial options – as I understand it you will be entitled to housing and benefits help once you have left. Also contact WA and possibly a refuge they will also be able to talk through your options. If you go to a refuge they will help you with making sure you get all the help you are entitled to.
-
-
Hi Ziggy,
Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. You have explained serious abuse and I’m concerned for your well being, and that of your child and unborn baby. We all understand how difficult it is to make the first move to leave an abusive relationship, and the fears you have for any potential consequences. However it is possible and there is lots of support available to help you through this.
Please consider taking the advice of the other forum users by calling the Freephone 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to talk to a female support worker in confidence. You don’t have to give your name when you call. They won’t tell you what to do or force you to do anything, but can talk through your options and signpost you to other relevant organisations. They can talk to you about going to refuge, which could be a way of getting out to somewhere safe, where you’ll have support to help you through the next stages.
Alternatively you could talk to your midwife or health visitor, who should both be able to offer some support.
Kind Regards and keep posting when you can,
Lisa
-
Hi, Ziggy. I think your husband is trying to do what my daughter’s father did to me and that is to frighten you into thinking that you cannot escape and that nobody will believe you. You probably think that it looks like you are the one with the problem not him and that he can take away your child and anything else in your life. He will tell you that his recording is proof of your behaviour or that it will be your word against his about what is going on and he’ll throw in enough doubt in your mind that you will fear testing it. He probably thinks his ‘nice’ texts will be proof that he’s a good guy. What he’s doing is putting a smoke screen around you that gets between you and the truth. He might be able to fool your family in this way but he won’t be able to fool someone trained in domestic abuse. They can recognise the pattern of power and control that such a man will use to intimidate and frighten a woman so that she feels she has no power and cannot get free or have the strength to live without them. As I said, my daughter’s father has behaved like this. I knew it wasnt right what he was saying but I was afraid of trying to do something because I was so full of doubt and fear of him. I don’t live with him but he continues to use threats in the same way. I think I should’ve seen through him and known better but if their behaviour wasn’t so effective they wouldn’t do it in the first place. The fact is, it works. What Women’s Aid or another domestic abuse advisory service can do is help you to see through his behaviour so that you will see it for what it is, a strategy for him to stay in control in his relationship with you, your child and the wider family and so on. Once you can see the situation you are in from an objective perspective, or at least I found so anyway, it helps to diffuse the emotions you feel and you can start to think about what you might do about it. I think everyone must be shocked when they discover just how similar abusive men behave in their relationships. I can appreciate why you are afraid that your bipolar diagnosis might be used against you, but it won’t disguise anything about the abusive pattern of behaviour that your husband exhibits but he will, no doubt, be thinking he can use it against you. He’ll use anything: money, sex, your child, your health, your family (he’ll tell you everyone thinks like he does) anything he can to keep you down, even violence, but the most effective weapon is to get inside your head. My daughter’s father got inside my head and its a heck of a job to get him out. You mention that you lack family support and I’m sorry to say that it’s been my experience that trying to get away from domestic abuse has highlighted to me that my family is and never really has been (over the important matters) a support network for me. I have had to rely on help from others and principally myself in just telling myself to keep going and, at times, all I’ve been able to do is crawl along. It’s no way to live but I think at least i’m still here trying to go forward, but still here, if you know what I mean.
-
Thank you all so much for your replies. I called Women’s Aid today, I didn’t think I would, but I am strongly considering refuge. I have issues with anxiety, and I’m just really nervous about it all.
still here, if you don’t mind me asking, is your daughter’s father still in the picture? Is he involved in her life? I want my partner out of our lives, as I can’t bear the thought of him harming my children, psychologically or physically. But my family, who don’t quite understand my situation are annoyed at me just for wanting to leave him, because I will be depriving my children of a father.
My mum told him where I am – I’ve been staying with (Detail removed by Moderator). So now I’m constantly staring out of the window, expecting him to show up.
Can anyone tell me what to expect at a refuge, please?
Again, thank you all so much. I really appreciate the advice and support.
-
-
You can expect to be safe at a refuge and not have to keep looking out the window. You can expect help and support from women who understand. They have knowledge of benefits and housing and schooling. It’s a stepping stone to a safer life. Tell your family it’s better to come from a broken home than an abusive one. Kids are more resilient than you think. They would have a happy healthy confident non anxious mum to bring them up. Speak to your GP about his abuse and the mental injuries it’s causing you. Do your family know all the things he has done to you? I would be angry at my mum for doing that. You need a support network of people you can trust. Ring the helpline or talk to your local women’s aid about the benefit of a refuge. If your ex turns up then ring the police. Or get the person you’re with to ring them. Unwanted contact is harassment or stalking.
-
@ziggy to read your story is heartbreaking. You are not crazy one and not let him to convince you about it. Your reactions are to his abuse. His abuse causes you to fell the way you are now.
He controls you on many ways. And refusing even the food for a pregnant woman.
Family has the backward way of thinking, if it is your husband, he can not rape you. It is so wrong. If you do not want to be intimate, it does not matter who this person is. It does make rape.
You need to do all the steps here on advice to help yourself with the escape.
Please update how are you doing. -
To clean more and to serve him more – this is not how you can solve the Abusive marriage. It is does not matter what you will do from your side, it is never good enough.
For your safety, for your future and for your today it is the best way to escape from him.
You need the right support, people who understand and not give you the wrong ideas, that is you, who need to do extra work, in order not to be treated the way you are treated. -
@ziggy – do not listen what your family says to you. Do what is right for you and for your children. They do not understand the seriousness and the danger what you are in. And do not let them to make you feel bad that you want to leave him. It is your human right to keep yourself safe and sane.
kids Will be better off without the father, than with the father who does such horrible things. -
Hi Ziggy, so sorry for the pain that you are in and what he has put you through. They do all they can to keep us trapped, but it a smokescreen. Everything they make you believe about not having any power, being worthless, not being able to leave, everything going to hell once you do – it is all lies used to keep you there. We believe you and other people will do too. Refuge sounds like a good idea, at the very least please keep reaching out for all the support you can. We are all with you here. You are so much stronger than you know, that you reached out for you and your children. He is toxic to you all and you deserve a better life, it is waiting for you, try not to be overwhelmed – one baby step at a time to freedom is all we need – we are all here, you are not alone. x
-
Hi, Ziggy. He’s not much in her life at all, he isn’t interested in parenting her, he just uses his right to have contact to contact ME. Considering the way he’s behaved it’s not possible to see that my daughter has lost a father, rather she never gained one when he ‘fathered’ her. I understand your fear though, its the fear of taking a step and not being able to predict the outcome around someone who has shown he is unpredictable, not trustworthy and abusive. This is why contact has been a very difficult issue for me, there was the need to get free from someone who was literally destroying my health and my life, and at the same time needing assurance that my daughter would be safe. I’ve accused myself of being selfish, but when I look back there is no way I could have carried on with him in my life like that and I had to get him out as much as I could. Get as much advice as you can from trained, professional people who understand about the legal process and domestic abuse. Women’s Aid were able to tell me about knowledgeable solicitors they knew. It’s definitely helped me make better, safer decisions and to see that there could be a light at the end of the tunnel.
-
Wow, your replies are all so kind, I’m in tears. To have had so many people telling me that I must be the problem, I started to think that maybe I am the problem. That maybe I should have cooked and cleaned better, looked nicer, had sex with him more. That maybe the solution was to ‘just stop making him angry.’ I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you all just get it.
I still haven’t gone home. He keeps texting me to try and rope me into an argument. And to make me feel as though I am wronging him. He is now saying that he is going to come and pick our son up during the week. I’m terrified that he will actually show up and bring drama to the family home I’m staying in. He says that he is going to be taking my son on weekends soon anyway. It isn’t really that simple, is it? My son is still very young (Detail removed by Moderator). I’m breastfeeding. Surely he can’t take him?
I feel like an idiot. After a lot of time and thought, I eventually realise that his threats and arguments are really stupid. But regardless, he still manages to get into my head. I’m just an idiot.
I’m really terrified for what is to come. I’m so scared that when I go into refuge, things will backfire on me. And I will be alone – I’m traveling a good distance away from him. How will I manage alone? I feel like I am drowning.
-
Ziggy
You will never change him by your love, it is impossible.
I am in similar situation about the money, may be not so critical as yours, and I also was thinking this is my fault at least partially. I thought if I will change myself, he will change as well. But the truth is he will never change.
It required a lot of forces to accept and to understand that I was just denying who he is and what life do I live for so many years. It is painful really to realise, how awful my life is.
The main question I am asking myself now is “Do I deserve anything better than I have?”.As about your situation, try to get advice from as much places as possible.
Women’s Aid, Citizen Advice, local housing, solicitors etc. If you will see clear all your options, it will be easier for you. There must be also local support groups in your town.
You can get legal aid for your solicitor to represent you in court and to proceed with your divorce, but you have to prove domestic abuse.
Here is the info, what counts as a proof:
https://www.gov.uk/legal-aid/domestic-abuse-or-violence
When you get legal aid, your solicitor will help you with divorse, maintenance for you and your children, also occupational order or molestation order so you may stay at your property but he won’t.
There are a lot of options for you, just try to find info.
Unfortunately there is no just one place you may get everything from, you’ll need to spend some time on this, but it worth it.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
