Please – verification

[Serenity]

My two children are due to go abroad soon with my ex for a few weeks. Though they hated him when he was here, he has somehow got them to agree to go. I think he wants to feign to his family that he is a good dad.

I am deliberately keeping myself busy when they are gone, but this is all doing my head in. How can both boys agree to go? They begged me to not have him back.

Please, ladies, am I overreacting, or is it normal for a dad to pinch his child when he is three, tell friends he could dance on his son’s grave, kick his child in the back, tell his child when I wasn’t there that he wanted him dead. Is it normal for a dad to not want his kids to have anything, to sabotage their achievements? To deliberately humiliate them.

Any words to make me feel supported would help.

I feel sick.

He had no time for them when he lived here. In fact,he tried to make them feel worthless.

[Ayanna]

How come the children agreed?
How can he take them abroad if you refuse?
How did this happen?
He should not be able to do this after the way he treated them.

[godschild]

Hi Serenity, Its hard to understand why our children behave as they do towards the abuser, my son witnessed so much and was victim to his dad as well , yet he now sees me as a part of it and is fine with his dad. You will be worried about them going and being there so good that you are keeping busy. My Daughter also has joined alliegance with her dad and has been awful to me, are they under his control still, what changes their minds its a question I ask myself all the time, there seems to be no logic on how they will react. My son was so so close tome and protective of me but that has changed so much now and he wont even validate the abuse I suffer or give me any support in any way at all, so you are not alone in this change of attitude but I cant say why it happens is it that as they become older they become like their dads so join sides with im I dont know.
All that your ex did and said to them was abuse, like mine did,you are in no way overeacting atall . My Daughter hated her dad at one time and would not see him at all.
Abuse fragemnts families and the children react in so many different ways, he most likely has cajouled them into going, would he make promises of it being exiting to go abroad, the men are so so manlipulative you just dont know what he may have said to get them to go. I really feelfor you in this , sending hugs xxxxxx

[Starmoon]

It’s exactly as you say- it’s so that he looks like a good dad. So that the people left around him see the grand gestures.
You’ve given me fantastic advise over the last year and you’ve always been spot on!
As horrible and as hard as it is, if your sons are old enough to decide if they want to go, then all you can do is let them. It’s a bit of a lose lose there I guess, if you stop them, then they won’t thank you… But if you let them, you know how he’s likely to treat them. Oh I don’t know… I’m guessing you’ve tried to remind them what he’s like and that they may regret it. I feel for you, it’s so hard. What vile things to say and do to his children.. Is it just him and them going? He won’t be able to put up the act for the whole holiday. I suppose it’s natural for them to still be drawn back to him. The last thing we give up is hope that they will change so I guess for their children it’s similar. X

[Serenity]

Thank you all for responding.

It’s not about not letting them go: it’s gone beyond that- the oldest is old enough to decide, the youngest has a court order to see his dad- I think I just wanted reaffirmation that it is understandable that I feel anxious.

Ayanna- in answer to your question: why did Ted Bundy get away with coaxing and murdering so many women, and even fool detectives who were on his scent? Because he was handsome, charming, he could create a new persona for every new situation he was in, and sell ice to Eskimos. That’s like my ex. He has somehow made the kids feel beholden.

Happily, both my boys are ( still, as it stands) loving to me generally.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Serenity, I don’t have kids so I’m limited to what I can contribute. I think its understandable that you are worried, your ex was nasty to your and your boys. Maybe since you and he split he had mellowed perhaps. Do you talk to your boys about your concerns around this holiday? X*X

p.s do you have an open, communicative relationship with your boys, where you trust each other?

[Starmoon]

He could sell ice to Eskimos is exactly what my dad said about my ex after he’d met him for the first time…
It is totally natural to feel anxious about it. I think as mums we are In such a tough situation. Mine are still young. My eldest doesn’t see her biological dad (his selfish choice)… She knows my ex isn’t he real daddy but she’s grown up seeing him as that… However after what he’s done she doesn’t want to see him and thankfully because she isn’t his, I don’t have to make her go. Our baby will be another story once it’s all gone threw court. I’d love to refuse to let him see her because I just know I will have so much coercive abuse to undo. But I still can’t stop it! I think we just have to hope that they will eventually come to the same conclusions that we have….
But it’s take us a long time to get to it so it will for them… Especially with all the grand gestures and love bombing that they will inflict on their own children. Looking back I can see that my ex did it even with my daughter.. Buying her gifts and then treating her like an annoyance… Even she would plicate him and ask him to play games she knew he liked. Gah! Anyway, its perfectly normal to feel anxious. I’m sorry that you’re having to be in this situation. Just remind yourself that you’re the one who will be there for them when they get back. You will comfort and reassure them in a normal rational way- which I’m sure he wouldn’t be capable of doing. And in the meantime, we are all here xx

[Confused123]

Hey Hun

How u feeling is normal, i was just thinking of u today earlier wondering if the boys had gone yet, how these kids feel im not sure, sometimes i think they r just as confused , they know deep down its not good for u and ex to get back together ,hence they would never even suggest , yet deep down i think they just crave there dads approval , maybe thats why they are both going to answer there own personal questions/thoughts in there head . I know this willbe a hard time for u again, just continue letting them know u r there for them, love them loads, respect there choice to go but i would send a mobile phone with them and ask them to message u whenever they can via whats app, there is no point saying daily as u know your ex will take them out of signal area on purpose, use this as time to have some me time to do what u enjoy

[Serenity]

Thank you so much for the lovely replies.

It warms my heart and makes me feel like I’ve had a virtual cuddle from those who understand!

( HA- Sadly, he hasn’t mellowed. )

Thanks again x*x

[Author]

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