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I am soon leaving and after a quiet couple of weeks we had a bad incident at (detail removed by Moderator). I spoke to women’s aid and decided to speak to police as was told they wouldn’t speak to him without my concent. I took the kids away for the weekend and let them Skype dad and I wrote him a nice email about how best we tell kids – together etc and I even bought him a present?! I think I was in shock about the incident and just trying to ‘make everything OK’. I had to go to police today to tell them what happened and now they said they are going to arrest him and I can’t return home. I agree its not safe to. I agree they need to speak to him. I agree what he’s done is very wrong. But the guilt is killing me!!!! He’s going to FREAK OUT when the police arrive. We are a nice middle class family from a (detail removed by Moderator) and this will be noticed by people and be utterly destructive for him. He will never want to speak to me again but I dont want to deny him and the kids access. He has good times and then he has freak outs. I told police in won’t press charges but they said they can’t not speak to him now as its in best interests of mine and children. The logical part of me agrees but I am completely terrified about the fall out!! Pls help. Have I done the wrong thing?
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Hello there. Yes you have absolutely done the right thing. It isn’t easy for you we understand. But remember he chose to do this behavior and he must now face the consequences. Please please keep yourself and your children free in the mean time ok? Speak to the helpline if you need help we are all here with you you aren’t alone. Well done on the courage you have shown you’ve done the right thing. You would tell a friend in the same situation as you to do the exact same thing you have nothing to feel guilty about. He should be the one feeling guilty but these type of men do not have the ability to show any human emotion like we can. Sit tight, keep eating and look after the kids during this roller coaster of a ride of a time x*x
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Thank you. I feel so guilty that the incident happened… Then I was nice and forgave him and left.. Now police… He won’t be expecting it at all and I feel like he will just explode about it. I tried to tell him I felt too scared to be in the house anymore and he told me I was being ridiculous and a drama queen. I think I bought him a present yest and was nice because it was like some kind of shock?!
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It’s natural for you to feel like this because you are a lovely lady with genuine feelings. It’s not easy to make a stand especially against your partner he’s the one person you should make a stand for not against. But unfortunately abuse never ever gets better so you have to put these boundaries in place. I can see you’re still in shock which you will be for a long time and that’s why you bought the present because you want to do the right thing which is what your head is saying but your heart says something completely different. Listen to your head because your head has the best judgement. Whatever you do next remember if it was a friend in your shoes whatever you would advise her you advise yourself ok? I see what you say about being from a middle class family. Unfortunately domestic abuse comes in all shapes and sizes. I’m an ethnic minority strong willed woman with a very very good education and have a great career and prospects but my family and I still faced this. It comes tin all types of forms to all types of people but what you have to remember is none of this is your fault. Just be as sensitive as you can with the children and chose what you think is best to tell them. It might be good to take it in small steps not to confuse them it will be a lot for them to process. Keep your wits about you in all the things you normally do I.e the school run, food shopping etc. Keep your phone charged with you at all times, remain vigilant and also keep on your guard. I am not saying anything will or won’t happen but you need to protect yourself and your children. Keep posting we are here I promise all of us together xxxx
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Congratulations for speaking to the police! Well done!
I hope he gets a really nasty prison cell and freezes his a… off.Do not worry about middle class and reputation.
Abuse happens even in the upper class.
If he loses his job it is his fault. He decided to abuse you. He is an adult and knows what he is doing.
Do not make excuses for him.If he does not talk to you, the better. Go zero contact and hand him the divorce papers.
Get a non molestation order. For this you can call the NCDV and they will help you.If you find the time read about Trauma Bonding and Stockholm Syndrome.
Keep posting here. You did the right thing! x*x
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Great post Ayanna I totally agree with you. These men are so manipulative in making you think it’s your fault when it’s all THEIR fault makes me so angry! I am so proud of buns for making this stand it can’t have been easy but it’s the right thing to do. I just wish their could be an island where we could just stuck these losers on and say seeee ya definitely would not want to be you go on and get lost!! I just hope she’s ok I’ve been thinking about her this evening. We are all here for you please let us know how you are getting on x*x
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Its so weird I read these posts and I want to message u all and tell u “has a good person” I feel totally brainwashed!!!! I feel in shock still. My voice is even weird and squeeky?! I feel like I’m making a big deal of things and I shouldn’t be. I just want to go back to normal. I miss my house and my life and the good times. I won’t do that but I want to.
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It’s out of your hands now. It’s really the police who made the decision to arrest not you. You won’t deny him the children. He can still see them at a contact centre which will be organised by social services and Cafcass.
Please don’t met him to see the children without the consent of the police, social services or Cafcass. Now it is on record of his abuse, you have to worry more about the authorities than him. If they think you are going back after this disclosure they can take the kids so be very very careful.
I’ve met too many women who have had their kids taken because they trusted their abuser. Abuser don’t care about their kids. They only care about themselves and having power and control over everybody.
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I wont go back. Sahara your message really has upset and terrified me.
He posted that Ive taken his kids away from him on social media. Im blocked so cant see it but have had a lot of messages from people asking whats going on. Its utterly destructive to post this kind of private thing in public. I feel so destroyed by all this. I just want to put my kids at the centre of my universe and shut out everything else.
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Don’t feel scared feel prepared. You are much stronger and in a better position with all of us around you. I never told a soul what he did to me until I left. Ignore ignore ignore. If you need to keep anything for evidence do it. He realises that you are not having down and he’s trying to manipulate you. What is wrong with them honestly?! Stay calm tell your children you love them and cuddle then as much as you can. That will make you feel better xxxx
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He was released with (detail removed by Moderator) and told not to contact me in the end which I felt encouraged by. But since then he’s cut off my (detail removed by Moderator) and said 1 have (detail removed by Moderator) to remove everything or it will be thrown away and he is changing the locks etc. Its utterly terrifying and dispicable that he wins every time! I thought going to police would end things but its just made him more angry and thus made me feel less safe 🙁
Considering the non molestation order if he makes contact again. I just want PEACE.
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Speak to a solicitor. You might be better to get a non mol now whilst the police have recently been involved and evidence is fresh. I would get a solicitor to use as a buffer if you can. Thats what ive had to do. Only communicate through my solcitor. He stills tries to abuse. My advice is start as you mean to go on. Set boundaries and stick to them. I dont know your circumstances but you might be able to get him removed from the marital home. Why should you move out?
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