2nd March 2016 at 7:11 pm #10874browneyedgirlParticipant
It almost feels like I am now drowning
You just think with you I am clowning
Yet my colour is now a deeper blue
Did you not hear my plea of help from you
Or do you ignore how desperate I feel
The fears in my head are ever so real
I cannot live like this no more
I feel trapped, like I am glued to the floor
I need to escape out of this mess
It feels like you couldn’t care less
2nd March 2016 at 7:14 pm #10875browneyedgirlParticipant
I wrote this as I am so low after a conversation with my Mum it is untrue. I told her, the way I feel right now I don’t want to be with him and she replied well that’s a huge decision and for 4 children. I replied “I know that” She then said “No (my name) I don’t think you do. She was very critical about how I handle things. Now I just feel like a cr*p wife, mother in fact person. I obviously as the one at fault so why is she so adamant that I don’t go and just end my life. She only cares how it will affect my Dad. It’s ok for me to be unhappy then. Well I am sorry but unhappy is such a weak word for.how I feel right now
2nd March 2016 at 8:08 pm #10877SerenityParticipant
Please listen to your gut.
You can’t live your life according to others’ faulty views.
I am in my (detail removed by Moderator). All my life I have cared what my mum and older sister think. Like I need validation.
Both of them were wholly unsupportive during my break-up. I would go as far as to say they were cruel. My sister actually triggered panic attacks in me whilst I was already suffering with PTSD from my abuser. I have been heartbroken as to how or why they can be like this, and I have had to face the hard truth that they share traits with my abuser and have traits of perpetrators themselves.
Maybe because I lived with their control and lack of empathy, I didnt realise how twisted my abuser was, as his harsh behaviour was my ‘norm.’
As has been written here many a time, unless people have gone through abuse themselves,many don’t understand.
Also, your mum is probably more if the generation maybe that stuck at marriage even if it was abusive. There could be many reasons for her viewpoint.
But this is your life. You only have a certain amount of days on this earth, and you deserve to be happy. In fact, my view is that if you continue with an abuser,your health suffers.
I have only just reached the point in my life- after the dreadful abuse from my abuser- where I won’t let my dominant family members bully me. Thank God my dad and other sister have been great. I have had to tell them straight that I am not a child, and that I will parent my children as I see is right. This is because as soon as my ex left, they homed in on me and tried to take over my little family, causing me great pain.
I went to my counsellor yesterday. She asked me why I feel I need my mum and sister’s understanding and approval. Of course, it is because they have both set themselves up as matriarchs and authority figures. But they aren’t. You and I are both grown-ups with a wealth of understanding and knowledge about abuse because of our experiences. We know our kids best, the family dynamics, what has gone on and is still going on behind closed doors. Maybe your mum is worried about the children- but living with abuse is bad for kids, as they suffer and also learn unhealthy behaviours. It is good for children to see women escape abuse and stand up to their abuser. This also teaches them that abusers don’t get away with their behaviour.
My mum and sister state that concern for my children is their reasoning. But my sister goes as far as to create false scenarios or accuse my eldest of things he is to even guilty of! This to me suggests that it’s not about me or my children- it’s more about her desire to control.
And the fact is, they are crossing your rightful boundaries by interfering in your life. You are allowed to make your own decisions, based on your experience. Based upon what you truly feel is the right thing to do.
Maybe your mum does to want the stigma of divorce attached to her family. Well, you can’t live your life according to her concern about how things look in public. If what is happening behind closed doors is abusive and damaging, no ones should have to suffer it.
Today I thought of my mum and sister’s judgemental behaviours, and I told myself:I don’t care what they think of me. I need to live according to my truth. I felt such a release. Why did I waste so many years caring so much about what people think of me? Not everyone will get why you do things, but if you know you are doing the right thing, that’s all that matters.
Your poem is great x
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