7th August 2019 at 7:52 am #85200
HELL ON EARTH
***** years of hell
getting worse by everyday
*****years of jail
why don’t i go away
and see it as it is
and has been all these years
a marriage full of misery
of isolation and of tears
a dictatorship of rules
that only I must keep
and it’s reaching breaking point
because of lack of sleep
do i stay in this misery
or do i go away
and maybe have a chance
to live another day. gran
7th August 2019 at 12:32 pm #85225[email protected]Participant
that poem rings very true. you sound like youve had enough – dont stay in misery – womens aid can help you. have you had a chance to call them? x*x
7th August 2019 at 6:33 pm #85259
Not sure if I’m allowed to be here because I’m not 50 but wanted to tell you I found your poem beautiful, raw and devastating. You will be free one day, you will. If it helps you, try visualising your departure point, your journey to safety and your arrival point. Are you able to see it?
Research has shown that champions in athletics are using visualisation to reach their goal, to win their medal. And it works.
It will work for you too. And if you have concerns about practicalities, you call Women’s Aid, ask them anything, they will answer you kindly. Their concern is your safety.
You are doing well gran, keep posting 💕
8th August 2019 at 8:39 am #85294
thank you diy [email protected] and hopelifejoy, it is amazing how comforting it is tobe acknowledged by others, coming on this site is my first step to come out of isolation.yourcomments have both given me hope and strength, i have spoken to women’s aid and they have given me advice, i took their help and went to a hostel about (detail removed by moderator) years ago but my youngest child who was with me missed her friends and suffered from anxiety, she died tragically a few years ago and now i feel like i should have left then as if i had left then she might still be here, and if i leave now its only for myself but i didnt realise how affected all my kids were by the rows and control, i was a zombie back then. you are both right about contacting womans aid,it affects kids more than you could ever know. i stay with him because he is unwell, i know he could not survive without me he is so dependant on me for everything. every night i lay awake listening to him threaten me mentally abusing etc and i plan to leave next day but can’t bring myself to actually do it. i have very little time that he is not here, only when he is in bed in morning so i rush everything like this, hence lackof punctuation. thank you again for your kind and helpful words love gran x
8th August 2019 at 11:07 am #85300[email protected]Participant
could you arrange a package off care so other people could come in to look after him? im sorry for your loss gran that sounds heartbreaking. im the same my daughter didnt die but we dont speak at all – all down to him undermining me.
i just wanted to say too, womens aid also offer you a flat now for one year. i beleive they make it very affordable – one off my good friends has taken this option. you dont have to live like this- i can hear its guilt keeping you there, i was the same.
i hope you can find the strength to leave – keep posting. sending you a hug.
8th August 2019 at 12:38 pm #85303
Oh very brave sweet gran, we can read your posts just fine without punctuations don’t you worry, more important is to stay connected with us and post whenever you wish, anything to give you strength and hope for a better future.
I’m terribly sorry for your loss, your daughter, I hope you had had the space to grieve for her. You just don’t know if she still would be here if you stayed away back then, there is no way to tell, what happened happened, tell yourself you did everything to the best possible abilities you had at the time. Decide to give yourself full credit, as I’m sure you are a wonderful mum and did the absolute best for your children.
It is difficult to do something ‘just for ourselves’ isn’t it…we are good at taking care of others, sometimes better than taking care of ourselves, we are kind hearted and think of others first.
But this approach isn’t healthy.
Even if you would be in a non-abusive relationship, you are the only one who is able to place your needs first and attend to them because you are the only one who knows what they are.
But you are in an abusive relationship, you have no choice but to leave, not only for your health and sanity but also to save your very own freedom and life. And get a chance at happiness.
He is not your responsibility, not now, not later, you aren’t his nurse, his therapist or priest. You don’t owe an abusive man anything at all. He lost any rights to your love, care and concern the very first moment he chose to abuse you.
If you get the opportunity, try reading about the ‘cycle of abuse’ and ‘abusive power and control’. ‘Emotional abuse’. Read other posts on here from women who left for inspiration.
You once did find the strength to leave him, you will be able to again. Believe you are important enough to take that step. Because you are. And one day you will. dear gran.
I can just hear until here how much dreams you still have for your life.
Would you perhaps find the possibility of going away for a few days and stay with one of your children? away from his abuse, to reclaim a little of your headspace.
With a clearer head, you are able to better decide what’s important to you.
Keep posting whenever you can. You are doing so great, keep going.
Sending you lots of hugs 💕
8th August 2019 at 1:40 pm #85309AlwaysSorryParticipant
Your poem is heartbreakingly beautiful x
You have received some really good advice on here and just wanted to show you some support, too. You can absolutely be free of him, keep taking baby steps and indeed try and get WA’s help again x I’m so very sorry to hear about your daughter and send you my deepest condolences but none of it was your fault and you are clearly a very caring mother x I hope you can manage to contact WA as it sounds like he is very demanding of your time and space x You deserve to be free from his abuse and find your happy again x
9th October 2019 at 10:07 am #89422
another poem written this morning after a bad night.
THE WARDROBE DOOR
I lie here wakened
nose against the wardrobe door
can’t move,can’t go to sleep,
in case I snore,
because i’ve been told
that if i do,
that wardrobe door,
my head will go through.
So I try to stay
awake all night
and plan to leave,
when the time is right.
love gran x
9th October 2019 at 4:47 pm #89432
Hi gran this poem is touching, surreal and vivid, the conditions he makes you live in are unbelievably cruel.
Could you sleep on the couch? Or in another room? You deserve to have a good nights sleep darling. This could be your opportunity, take snoring as your excuse to move out of your conjugal bedroom.
What do you think?
Sending you peace and strength
9th October 2019 at 6:46 pm #89439HunkyDoryParticipant
Gran your poems are very sad, but good. It’s horrible what you are having to live with and I hope you can find the strength to leave. Find someone to care for him and start your life for you. I really hope you can because you deserve so much better. Lots of love xx
10th October 2019 at 8:30 am #89467
thank you hope life joy and hunkeydory once again for your support which means so very much.yes hope lifejoy i have tried to sleep inanother room which was great for me but he soon stopped me from thatbecause it was what i wanted. the only time he allows me to go in another room is when he decides which is now hardly ever. life to him is always about control. it has to be his idea and not mine.i keep finding excuses for him, but he is too entrenched and damaged by his upbringing. he used to drink a lot in early days but stopped many years ago but still needs to control me. i stopped loving him years ago but still feel a resposibility to him. i hope you are both in a happier place, you deserve to be as yougive so much love and support to others on this site, thanks again love gran x*x
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