Pointless and painful existence

[Alba]

I have been lucky enough to escape from the abuse I’ve been living in for the last (detail removed by moderator) years. But I still feel all the emotions of being trapped, scared, and that my existance is pointless and painfull. My life from when I left home has just been a downward spiral from being attacked and raped  (detail removed by moderator), minipulated in relationships to then trying to rebuild my life to then be minipulated and abused by the person I thought loved me, who I loved, the father of my young child. I feel like the world is just bitter and twisted and don’t really want to be alive in it. But of course I have to be because my beautiful and innocent little girl needs her mummy, her Dad has now abandoned her so I certainly won’t. But I am only (age removed by moderator) years old and a lifetime is a long time to be alive if your living wishing you weren’t alive. I’m living now with my parents but I feel like a prisoner, not because they arent wonderful kind and caring people but because they and nobody seems to understand. I’m incredibly unhappy but neither hiding it or giving in to it seems to work. I have no idea how to move forwards emotionally. Please help.

[Tiffany]

I am living with my parents. It was really tough to begin with, bit getting a job and a car so I felt less trapped in the house helped. It sounds like what you really need is some good counselling. But I know how hard it can be to find that. Can you try and look out for small things that bring you happiness? I had a counselor friend who got me to write down three detailed incidents or things I noticed that made me feel good every night at one point when things were really bad for me. It was hard to begin with, but it got better and helped me to see that there was still joy in my life, as there is in yours. I can tell by the way you talk about your daughter. Look for the sparks first. Then see if there is a way you can make them grow. I got a lot of joy from noticing things in nature, so I make a real effort when I am outside to notice what is around me. I hadn’t realised that til I was writing them down nightly. Obviously it won’t fix the big picture, but I hope it helps a little. Get a little book. Write three good things every night, no matter what. And after a month or so start looking for patterns and ways you can increase the frequency of positive moments.

[KIP.]

Visit your GP. You need specialist counselling. Rape Crisis also have a helpline and were excellent. Ring them for a chat. I felt like you do but with help these feelings will pass and you will see the good things in life. I contemplated suicide many times but having my son saved me from acting on it. I wouldn’t leave him alone. Or with my abuser. Meantime Make sure you’re eating properly and getting enough sleep. You can’t change your past but you can start from now and change your future x

[Ayanna]

What you go through is a normal reaction to the abuse that you suffered.
As KIP said, request specialist counselling from your GP.
Rape Crisis would probably even be better for you if they have vacancies.
Give them a ring on Monday and find out whether they can take you on.

[Alba]

Thank you ladies, I shall definitely try these things. I think the hardest thing I find about talking about it with anyone is partially because it’s been ingrained into my brain and despite talking with an amazing lady from women’s aid who came to visit me for a while, I still feel sick when I think and talk about everything because for so long I was convinced I was going mad and I existed just to take care of my ex partner, and that whatever he did or said to me, he was excused because of his difficult past. I know that is wrong but I can’t seem to shift the thought process and now i feel empty because he’s not in my life anymore, I hate that I miss him sometimes because I know how bad my life was when I was with him.

I absolutely do have something to live for, my beautiful little girl, but it’s just horrible feeling like this. Running is a great help, I run 5km a day out in the hills and it’s as much the freedom of it because I was never allowed to before when I was with him, and partly the fact that I also love nature, (detail removed by Moderator) used to be my work and my life before I met him so it’s good to be back out in the elements. There’s something special about being free especially when you’ve been through things we have.

I’m sorry this is another huge ramble but it feel good to get it off my chest, even if no one reads or replies. My parents are incredible in many ways but I cant talk to them about any of this, and I don’t really have anyone else any more. So thank you for being there.

[KIP.]

Google trauma bonding. What you describe is so typical. We spend our lives trying to keep them happy to avoid more abuse that everything else takes second place. Then when we are away from them, as human beings, we crave what is normal to us. Which is abuse and dysfunctional behaviour. So we need to retrain our brain. It takes time and help but you will get there. Slowly replacing the gaps in our life with good positive experiences. Time and no contact are the way forward x

[Alba]

Thank you, it all makes so much sense when you read about it, the important but hardest part is of course changing the way we think. Being able to talk to you all on here and be open and honest about things is definitely a step in the right direction. Thank you. x

[Author]

Posts