Police for support.. did not get it

[Confusedyetclear]

I feel saddened and shocked at the police response to my bid for support. Having expressed all the verbal put downs, racial comments and general control I have experienced alongside a previous sexual incident where I did not feel strong enough to proceed….I was informed by police that she felt I was worrying over things that may never happen in regards to my pregnancy. This man has made jokes about leaving with my baby and called me beyond derogatory names just for being me. He has become full of rage for simple things and tried to control parts of me whilst living a double life and manipulating me along the way. I hoped the police would consider what I have experienced for years as abuse but she totally dismissed what I had said and advised that she couldn’t understand why I would have made a baby.my concerns for my baby were not even considered. I feel so saddened and disbelieved. I understand my examples of what I deemed abuse were verbal and mostly not physical however it is as damaging … I just wanted to say to anyone who has experienced this… Don’t give up and keep fighting x

[Stuck in The mud]

I had this experience for many years , the police came once and said we just had a row even though I had smashed windows & tv they left with no help for me ! it stopped me reporting incidents and obviously many more happened because my abuser witnessed the police not getting involved ! It took me to say enough is enough after I was kicked by him I called the police , he was arrested but not charged but a young police officer put me in contact with womens aid and I gained non molestation and occupancy orders .The police officer also apologised for all the times I didn’t get help and had to live with the daily abuse for many years . Please don’t remain trapped in a situation like I did , protect yourself now x

[Confusedyetclear]

This makes me sad. I really believed the police and legal system were there to protect people but I definitely doesn’t feel that way. I don’t think they realised the impact it had on me. I worked so hard to accept I wasn’t imagining his nasty ways and in one short interview I feel like she has taken me back to a place where I am questioning yet again if I’m being dramatic and sensitive.
I’m sorry it took him hurting you physically for them to even think about listening xx

[Lisa]

Confusedyetclear, you are so right, non-physical abuse is serious and damaging. I’m so sorry that you had this response when going to the police for help. It’s wrong that you were made to feel dismissed and that any comments or judgments were made about your decision to have a baby. We should expect better from the police, domestic abuse should always be taken seriously and concerns should be addressed.

Stuck in The mud, it shouldn’t have taken a physical assault for the police to pay attention to your situation. I’m glad that you eventually received an appropriate response and apology from the police officer dealing with the case.

I know that women do have positive experiences reporting non-physical abuse, particularly when engaging with officers who have had training on domestic abuse or who are part of dedicated domestic abuse teams. Most local domestic abuse services have advocates whose job it is to help with communicating with other agencies, such as the police, so reaching out to these is an option if you’re not getting the response that you deserve.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Eggshells]

Hi Confusedyetclear

I’m so saddened to hear of your experiences with the police. There is still so much to be done. I do wonder how much training the average bobby gets on DV. I suspect its very little if any at all.

To report takes so much courage and women deserve to be treated properly when they do report.

Unfortunately, reactions from police like the ones you have described have a 2 fold affect. They discourage other women from reporting and they empower the abuser.

I really wish that someone would compile all of these posts and hand them to the head of every police force in the country. Sadly, I doubt that will happen.

Awareness of these ongoing issues needs to be raised and it needs to be done quickly.

[Confusedyetclear]

Hi eggshells…I totally agree ! I makes me want to become a police officer and try to fight to change the system lol but…I’m fantasizing. It really does have an impact and for me personally made me doubt if he was an abuser at all…I mean if the police feel I was not showing signs of abuse then they must be right. Luckily I have a close support network who reminded me of the things that have happened and it has kicked me back into not doubting myself so much. I hate to think of how many women feel this way after seeking support and then feel it’s pointless to reach out again. Xx

[Thewhiterabbit]

Often the legal system can only take what’s black and white in front of them they cannot see past that and it can be infuriating. I myself have been let down by the system many times. It can be terrifying and if I was a weaker person I’d likely have not survived . It’s disheartening and you can feel like you’ll forever be tied to them and under control even when you are no longer in contact you still over think and get paranoid about people and their intentions . There’s a theory created by therapists in which you are represented by a cup , the abuser by money , when you first get together they fill your cup with pennies , then when something goes wrong they take it all away and leave the cup empty then when you follow orders and behave they give you a couple of pennies so that gives you that glimmer of hope . After this works they take the pennies away and continue the cycle. Until eventually they don’t give you anything and only at rare opportunities you receive a penny. This is all a metaphor for love and attention , emotions for some . Majority call it love bombing . It’s easy to be sucked in to this crazy circle but finally saying enough and walking away will show you just how little they gave and how much you are worth

[Watersprite]

I’m saddened not surprised and can relate to some things in these posts – women are continually failed – we are stronger together. I Want to bump this post white rabbit wow this is so helpful I’ve screen shot it – thank you for your post. It’s so true after walking away it takes time but you get to see who they are and who you really are ☀️ X

[Confusedyetclear]

Lovelies this gives me hope that time apart brings clarity gosh am I ready for some of that xx

[Scottish Thistle]

I’ve had similar experiences with the police, although some were great the majority weren’t helpful. Despite messages saying my ex wished me dead etc via a third party the police did nothing and seen no threat to me 🤷🏻‍♀️
I continue to log everything with the police still so that there is a record of events regardless if they do anything.
All I would recommend is keep a log yourself with the police incident numbers recorded and keep recording incidents with the police.

[Twisted Sister]

I feel so failed that I can’t even begin to comment here on this. You are brave to be speaking out, and ideally we would have some kind of board of investigations into intimate crimes against women (and their children).

The dynamic is hard to grasp, yes, especially for an outsider, but the costs alone in not understanding it and therefore escalating the damage to women, and the ongoing effects on the children far outweigh the costs of tackling it at source and not blaming women continually for a perpetrators crimes.

I wish we could trust the resources that are supposed to protect us, but once they’ve failed, its too big a risk to chance it again.

[Author]

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