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    • #12688
      Escaped not free
      Participant

      I escaped my mainly dmotionaly abusive partner in (month removed by moderator). My priority at the time was to remove myself and my three children from his dangerously erratic and dmotionaly abusive behaviour. That made it worse. He locked me in the house to scream and intimidate me, stalked me through tracking me thorough my phone, hounded me chased me, until eventually with the help of Womans aid I reported him to the police. Incredibly he was released to our family home on bail. This now means I have no ability to go home with my children. The four of us share my mums spare single room. My ex remains at the house while his parents own a five bedrooms massive house that has a bedroom for his son and his own en suite. (detail removed by moderator)after many events I returned to the house to quickly pick up some belongings I desperately needed. This is my house where I pay all the bills but jointly own with him. His parents arrived while I was there. They spent ten minutes at least bagging on the door to let them in then forced my key out of the door with a wire and gained entry with their key he gave them. I stayed upstairs while he shouted at me I had no right to be there, that he was going to return with his son. The police were contacted and told me I basically had to put up with it. I had no right not to be treated this way. If they want to access my home and shout at me they can because I don’t keep a witness with me. I feel like I need to give in. They are no help. My solicitor served an non molestation order  and it’s made no difference. The police just say it’s a civil matter. I feel like my only option is to go back and admit he has won, he can do what he wants with me. He has my home, all my belongings, none of which he bought. He’s having parties at the house, having people stay in my children’s rooms. His life hasn’t changed at all and I’m being totrured and the police are helping. X

    • #12690
      Serenity
      Participant

      Sorry for all you are suffering, Escaped Not Free.

      I got legal aid on account of having got a non-mol against my husband.

      This enabled me to instruct a solicitor to help me to divorce him, and to take him to court over the finances. I was awarded the house. He isn’t allowed anywhere near it.

      The police won’t deal with the issue but you might perhaps be able to formalise things with legal help, so that the ownership of the house is settled and your kids can return to or live in a decent home.

      Whilst nothing has been formalised or decided, he is free to continue to play his game, in a house which you pay a lot towards. Setting things in stone will lessen his opportunity to abuse.

    • #12696
      Nemo
      Participant

      i’m sorry i can’t offer any advice, but i just wanted to share my ‘I’m New’ post with you because i am too in a similar situation feeling victamised by the justice system now as well as by my abusive ex-husband:

      Hi,

      I’m not quite sure where to start with how I ended up being a victim, and now a survivor.

      I suppose it’s easiest to start with how I reached the point where I felt that I should probably join this forum…

      I stopped the abuse (detail removed by moderator), when my drunk husband raped me while a child I was looking after at the time slept in the bedroom next to ours. Well saying I stopped the abuse then probably isn’t the right wording, he still harresses me, breaches the same police orders continually with no reprimand, including breaking into my home and attempting to rape me a second time. He hasn’t been arrested for raping me yet despite me having to endure various medical examinations to document all of my injuries, and despite the fact that I went through the gruelling process of a (detail removed by moderator) video interview with the SARC team (detail removed by moderator). He contested my application for a divorce (detail removed by moderator) until the decree nisi was finally granted last month on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour. Now he has gone awol because he is so used to manipulating people that he is peed off he couldn’t wrap the judge sorting the divorce around his little finger and he doesn’t want to sort out financials – because the way he sees it is that at the moment he knows where I live so still has some control. I just want to be able to sell the house and move back to where my family & friends live (he moved us hours away from them years ago), but I can’t sell the house because we own it jointly.

      The only thing that keeps me sane is my work, my counsellor (through Savana) says work is my ‘safe space’. He doesn’t know where my workplace is because he made me give up my work years ago because he decided I was cheating on him with every male who worked with me :/

      He is (detail removed by moderator) years older than me and he is galvanting around like a 19 year old while I’m maintaining the house and paying the mortgage. A house that he emotionally & physically abused me in for years and that I just want to rid of but legally can’t be without his permission!

      I guess I’m just frustrated and everything feels so unfair, at the moment it just seems that the penalty for raping your wife is that you get to flutter away all of your & your wife’s savings on flash cars, holidays, drugs & alcohol 🙁

    • #12699
      Escaped not free
      Participant

      That sounds awful. I totally sympathise. All I want to do is sell the house and move on. I want stability and safety for my children and yet he is allowed to carry on as he pleases. He is living in pure house while I pay all of the bills and this apparently is ok in the eyes of the law. My younger son is in therapy to deal with the stress and anxiety he created and he is planning get together a at my home inviting friends to stay for the holidays. All of which the police have allowed by bailing him to the family address. Mic I go there to pick something up its his and his families right it would seem to verbally abuse me. I feel like giving up. I feel like going back and offering to sacrifice myself if he leaves the children alone. I can’t take any more. X

    • #12704
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi there. Record any contact on your phone secretly if you can. If he is on bail, have you tried speaking to the crown office to request they change his bail address to his parents. I’m assuming you are a witness and they will need your help. I’m assuming bail conditions mean he is not allowed to approach you, so if you were home collecting things he would have to leave? A good solicitor should be able to sort things for you via court using a power of arrest attached to a non mol or exclusion order. Ring shelter helpline for advice too. Speak to your local MP. Shout loudly❤️

    • #12708
      Nemo
      Participant

      Can you get a solicitor Escaped not free?

      Legally the priority is always to ‘rehouse’ you – the victim and the person who is caring for the children (whether that be giving you your own home back or releasing the equity in the marital home to allow you to start fresh in a new home with your children).

      It’s not going to be a quick fix but in the long term it will allow you to be free, and for you to give your children the stability and safety that you want for them – and that both they and you deserve.
      Don’t let him win. Even if you do sacrifice yourself to save your children, you will always worry at what point that will be enough, and also how much your children are picking up on. And as your children get older and become teenagers will he be able to cope with their less submissive behaviour, or might he turn on them?

      My Savana counsellor told me to draw a picture of what I wanted my future to look like – what I wanted, like all survivors i imagine, was really simple. Whenever I feel like I’m doing things the ‘hard’ way (by not submitting to him or his threats), i look at the picture and it reminds me that he is not the future that i want.
      Maybe you could ask your children to draw a picture of what they want their future ‘with mommy’ to be like. they might draw a house with a garden and flowers or a swing set, or a picture of them playing with their friend out the front of the house, or it might have a pet dog in it!.. you get the idea. But help them to do it so that you can guide their drawings so that their expectations are realistic. It will probably surprise how simple the things they want are! Oh and stick figure drawings are fine, stick figures with big smiles! 🙂

      It’s an activity i have to do at work a lot.
      It will help you because if you ever feel like you need a little big of strength then looking at their pictures as well as yours will make you stronger than your ex ever was or will be.
      If you don’t feel comfortable asking your children to draw a picture just ask them to help you draw yours.

      Finally, here are some big hugs ({}) x*x

    • #12711
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Wow, everything is wrong here. The police needs some education by the sounds of it.
      E.n.f., you are supposed to live in the house and he is supposed to live somewhere else.
      Did you speak to social services about the situation?
      You need to tell as many services as possible that your life is in danger and that you fear for your life. You need to drum this into everybody’s head.
      Hun, this is a war. You are the side who is attacked and you need to defeat the enemy.
      As a woman you have abilities that men do not have. Your goal should be to defeat this creature.
      Think where you can deposit that your life is in danger.
      Write to your local MP.
      Send a letter to your GP.
      You need to use your strategic thinking in order to get rid of him and to keep your belongings.
      Staying away from the possessions is risking to loose them.
      He needs to leave.
      Speak to a police officer who is higher in the ranks.
      Call Rights of Women and use their callback function.
      Solicitors are not always our friends. As women we are often better off to fight wars on our own terms.
      A good argument is always: the safety of my children and myself…
      Safeguarding of children is a huge issue and you can use this to your advantage.
      Also, the living situation of your children can be used to your advantage, so that you can move back into the house and he has to leave.
      He is the perpetrator and on bail. What is he doing there?
      Visualization is a good start to defeat him.
      Visualize that you live again in the house with the children and he his out and gone.
      What can you do to get there?
      Spreading THE STORY in the neighbourhood is a good way of undermining him.
      There are lots of things you can do to make his life miserable, which have no legal consequences for you.
      Passive aggression …. it is a good way to tire someone out.
      Think about it.
      Marital rape has hardly any consequences for the perps. The laws are useless in this respect.
      Record him secretly and whatever happens around you. Amazon has recorders that look like memory sticks, for instance and they can record for 24 hours.
      Fight! x*x

    • #12763
      Escaped not free
      Participant

      Thank you for you kind words. I am desperately trying to see this as a process I have to go through but it’s so incredibly hard. Womans aid, my solicitor and the domestic abuse officer as well as the arresting officer could not understand and were disgusted that he was given police bail to our home address. It’s this that has allowed him to continue to torture me and my poor children. I know he has “friendly” police officers and I suspect this has something to do with it. Also that I had taken my kids to my mums for their safety. The police said even if I had recorded what his father said then they would do nothing. My ex has given them the permission to be in my house so even if I lock the door they are allowed to force there way in if they have a key and do as they wish. All the furniture, kitchen equipment, everything apart from two beds is mine in the house. He’s letting his son go through my children’s rooms, mess them up and take things. He’s had friends staying over in my kids rooms. He’s drinking heavily by the empty bottles I’ve seen outside. Bottles and bottles of whiskey. Meanwhile in too unwell to go to work. I’ve been off for months with repeated viral infections, glandular fever and respiratory infections because of all the stress. I’ve ended up with permanent lung damage. Any time I started to get better he would start acting up again, cause some huge drama out of nowhere and bring me to my knees and I’d get sick again. I went down to seven stone in weight, I’m five ft five. I couldn’t see my friends because the interrogation afterwards was unbearable and he would embarrass me if they came to the house. If I objected to anything he would grab me by the throat til I said sorry. The rules changed all the time and I couldn’t ever keep him happy. Then between this he would be amazing, affectionate, caring, I just don’t understand why he had to hurt me how he did. If he could be so nice why would he want to do this to me to us? X

    • #12765
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Your story makes me so sad and so incredibly angry.
      Abusers have the same behaviour pattern throughout. My ex abuser as well used to be very violent and I had to apologize for … what?… I just apologized so that he would stop.
      Would it not be wonderful if your abuser did drink himself into a coma? Dreams are allowed …
      Complain to the police by all means. Their decisions are so wrong. All what happens to you is a massive injustice.
      It really shocks me that police is like that. In my case they were the only ones who helped me whilst all the others let me down.
      Big hugs! x*x

    • #12773
      Confused123
      Participant

      hi huN

      i think the other ladies have advised you what i would of said, do not give up, get as many agencies involved to help you, apply for an occupancy order, you have kids with him so u have right to be in that house more than him, even though u are living with your mum , get intouch with domestic violence agencies, i actually have a support worker from a refugee even though am living with my parents, she offers me loads of supports in terms of my rights

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