Police protection

[EDIAS]

Hi everybody

I am new to the forum and was looking for some advice please. Has anybody had experience with the police when it comes to getting out of an extremely violent relationship? What I am wondering is will they be able to protect me? I have recently had contact with the police last week and they struggled to find a place for me to go as refuge spaces can be tough to get as domestic abuse is a much bigger problem then I realised. I have been given details to contact the council about possibly becoming unintentionally homeless etc. (however as we are both on the mortgage apparently they said it can be tricky)

I have had conversations with many services as well as the police about how they can keep me safe. My concern is if I give a statement from what I understand is they will most likely arrest him but let him out on bail with some restrictions. How effective are these restrictions? As I am sure we are all aware that it can take minutes for things to escalate and become violent. From my experience any suspicion about me talking to the police has only made matters worse for me.

I was just wondering if anybody can please give me some advice about how to proceed.

Thanks

[maddog]

Have you looked up Rights Of Women? There is a number you can call about injunctions. My own experience of the police has been that they have been kind and they have believed me. However it has been complete hell going through everything and finally they tell me their hands are tied and there is not enough evidence. You are making positive moves. My husand is no longer physically violent but if he drank vitriol it would make no difference.

[EDIAS]

Hi maddog

Thanks for getting back to me so quickly.

That was one of my biggest concerns to be honest. Going through the entire thing and all I would have done is upset him even more (there were times when that happened when there was the suspicion of me talking to the police). The police and all the services have been great and kind like you mentioned but I was not sure if it would be as straight forward as they said it would be. I know nothing is guaranteed but in my situation I need to be certain that if I go ahead with this I will be safe.

Thanks for the info about Rights of Women, I just had a quick look about possible injunctions. I noticed that you mentioned in your post that you went through the entire thing only to be told there was not enough evidence. In your opinion did you feel you had enough evidence? And please if its to upsetting to discuss I totally understand, I don’t want to bring up anything that is too traumatising.

Thanks again for your advice it really is helpful.

[maddog]

I had an idea by looking through the crime maps that the case could well be NFA’d. What I didn’t realise is that it basically means Filed Under General. I didn’t tell my husband about the investigation, nor did the police, so he has no idea.

I couldn’t get a criminal injunction against him because he was not being physically violent towards me.

His idea of consent was non-existent. I told him years ago to at least make sure I was awake before sticking his fingers where the sun don’t shine. He took no notice. The last time he did it I told him how much I hated being groped and wanked against. Cue fury. He acted as though he was entitled, saying I was his wife and touching and poking my genitals was his way of showing affection. Picking up bits of me and placing them on bits of him, likewise.

I had reported him for terrifying and threatening me, I had told the schools more than once, I told my gp again and again, started the Freedom Programme, spoken to WA… I am now drugged up to the eyeballs to stop me falling apart. I have a film of my daughter’s injuries to me from when she attacked me and on it my husband says I provoked her. He condoned her attack. I have not shown the film to anyone. I didn’t want my daughter to get into trouble as she is young and it was as though I was being attacked by proxy. The words, the attitude, the rage all were as though she was acting for my husband. My husband made it absolutely clear that her behaviour was right.

The police have been very kind and have told me they believe what I am saying. There is not enough evidence for them. I suggested to the officer that in reality they need a porn movie to show explicitly what was going on, blood on the carpet and probably a corpse to go with it before the CPS will take these things seriously. He agreed. So I’m not sure what is the point of reporting rape or sexual assault at all apart from for statistics. There is also the problem which I felt acutely that I was just a witness.

[endoftherainbow]

Hello, I found them to be quite helpful, when I finally plucked up the courage to report my husband for assault they acted quickly. Evan though the assault was quite minor compared to what he had done in the past, of which I had never reported him, they took a detailed statement, (detail removed by Moderator), including a restraining order, they also put a marker on my property and phone so any call made by me was treated as a priority as they knew I could be in serious danger. Its a hard journey but so worth it, hope you are able to get the help you need, and you find refuge, good luck xx

[Lisa]

Hi EDIAS,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I hope you find it a safe and supportive place to be. Your post is very sensible and you know your perpetrater better than anyone so if you are feeling frightened then it would be a good idea to find a safe place and time when he is no where near to phone the helplineline for some safety planning. Leaving and ending a relationship can be a dangerous time as your perpetrator will panic that his control is slipping and this can make things frightening for you so it is a good idea to take as many precautions as you can. Here are a few useful steps that you could consider. Firstly as mentioned, you could phone the helpline for some risk assessing and safety planning, Another useful contact could be the National Center for Domestic Violence who can advice you on injunctions, http://www.ncdv.org.uk It may also be worth you speaking to your local Women’s Aid group for some advice too. Could you go to some family or friends as a short stop gap until you feel safety steps are in place, for example can they place bail conditions on him to prevent him from contacting you or returning to the address? The Police on 101 should be able to put your mind at rest too. If you work let them know that you are feeling vulnerable and perhaps they can put some safety measures in place too to help you have peace of mind.

I hope that some of this is helpful. Look after yourself and let us know how you get on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[EDIAS]

Thanks to everybody who took the time to reply and for sharing it could not have been easy so I appreciate it.

Thanks Lisa for the info, I have tried to the leave this week again and it went horribly wrong for me and I’m not in the best shape at the moment. I have a window (detail removed by moderator) which I will be meeting with the safe guarding team at the police station to try and come up with a plan. They have said to me that they will work with me to keep me safe. I know it’s a few days away and I have to get through the weekend but I feel as though there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[maddog]

Well done. The weekends always seem worse. However, the police are there all the time, so if you are in immediate danger, phone 999, or if you can get somewhere safe, call 101 and meet the police in a safe place away from home. Thinking of you.

[EDIAS]

So with the idea in my mind that I could very well be out of here after making a plan to meet the safe guarding team I felt more at ease this weekend. I didn’t think anything of it but my husband seemed to have noticed my mood was a bit better than usual. Something so simple as being in a decent mood has set him off and he is suspicious that I am up to something. My anxiety level has of course reached it’s maximum now as I know I need to tread carefully tonight. I will try call the helpline as soon as I can but it’s so difficult to stay positive when constantly having to live like this.

Is it even possible to call the police before something happens? Can you make a call like that with the feeling that something could happen? I’m sure we have all had a situation where we just know it’s going kick off. Any tips would be greatly appreciated

[maddog]

Yes. If you are feeling afraid, call them. If you don’t need an immediate response diaĺ 101 and get yourself speaking to an officer. I guess it depends who your police force is. It took about 20 mins to reach the desk when I’ve called.

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