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So I finally did it and went to the police, but I still feel unsure about it.
I struggled to give them his name because I still feel insecure about whether I’m to blame for it all. When I finally did, they said that he was known to police and they had (detail removed by moderator)pages on him. But a. we’re still very young, early twenties, and b. they wouldn’t tell me what the six pages were. His previous girlfriend never reported him and he has only had one. So I don’t know what this could be? I feel very confused and it keeps playing in my head because I asked him twice if he had ever been in contact with police and not to lie, and he said no. He’s never lied to me. Even though he’s hurt me, he has never ever done that. He’s painfully honest. His ex and him are still friends on social media. I have no idea what this information could be and I can’t get it out of my head. It stopped me from officially filing a complaint because I got so obsessed with knowing what it is they have on him. I don’t know what to do now.
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I’m not even at the stage you are, being able to even think of telling the police about it, so I think you’re doing really well just getting that far.
I don’t feel I can give much advice to be honest because I’m still feeling so horribly confused about so much, but if it’s of any help my partner has lied to me so much including cheating but also just lies about a lot of things. I didn’t realise for a long time and it was such a shock when I realised. I also thought he was honest. I’m not had a chance to read too much on this forum or anywhere else about abuse but it seems a lot of them lie, and they seem to find it easy to lie convincingly. Mine is also friends with several of his ex partners but that doesn’t mean he didn’t do anything to them. I guess it could also be something else he’s done maybe not related to domestic abuse? It’s horrible not knowing what’s going on and it’s a shame the police can’t give you some idea.
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You can ask the police under Claire’s Law for further information. Please understand that these men are very very convincing liars. Often they go to great lengths to cover their lies. How do you really know he has never lied. If he’s prepared to hurt a woman then lying is nothing compared to that. I would be more concerned about him physically hurting you, and that part will only get worse. They can be violent and dangerous when we try to end things so please be very careful. It’s hard to understand these abusers because we just can’t comprehend behaving in such a despicable way but it comes naturally to them. Ask to speak to a domestic abuse police officer next time x
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Hey KIP. I know. I’ve just normalised the physical hurt because he keeps brushing it off as if it’s nothing, so in my head it has become nothing. I guess because I’ve lied to him a lot (mostly out of fear of his reaction because he’s got quite the temper), the whole lying bit seems to be what I always do wrong. Whereas he seems to not lie. But then again, what do I really know? He checks all my messages and whereabouts but I don’t check his, so I wouldn’t know.
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My ex was doing everything he accused me of. In a strange way he was confessing every time he accused me of lying, cheating, stealing money, being abusive. I was doing none of those but I later found out he was doing them to me. It’s truly shocking to accept a person we love could actually be abusing us. You should be really worried about those pages the police have on him. Don’t normalise it. It’s dangerous x
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I read your other post and he DOES lie to you as he tells you about other women, then denies it, he has bitten and strangled you then pretends it didn’t happen, these are all actions meant to think it is all in your head, to think that it wasn’t that bad, to make you doubt yourself, but he is really messing with your head.
If he is young but already is known to the police and has pages on him is a really worrying sign. The fact that he is still friends with his ex on social media means nothing, maybe his ex’s are scared to “unfriend” him and have kept quiet about what he was like with them?
Please think if a stranger bit you or strangled you how would you react? Your instinct would be to go straight to the police, so please do not accept this from him, this is not love.
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It will help you and the police if you put in a complaint, because they can add it to the info they have on him already and do an accurate risk assessment of you and keep you safe. Like the others have said, him being friends with an ex means nothing, in fact I have read these types of men often keep a harem of women including exes if they can as they like to have people they can manipulate and triangulate. Under Clare’s law you can request information and they will tell you anything they believe is relevant. Look up trauma bonding as it sounds like he has confused you into blaming yourself so you feel responsible for him and guilty, all very common signs of abuse. You’re 100% not to blame, and yes unfortunately all of these men lie, I thought my ex was the perfect boyfriend, he seemed absolutely wonderful until I realised he was pathologically lying to me about everything and anything, cheating on me and abusing me without me realising until I sought outside opinion and help.
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So we just had a really long conversation over the phone. I’m with my parents currently for a family visit. He said to me that people change. That him and his ex got into a lot worse situations than me and him ever did, but that they turned it around and changed and that abuse doesn’t have to be the only way. He said their last year of the relationship was completely abuse free, people can change so our relationship can do that too. He also said that I emotionally abused him, by my self-harm (I got severely depressed over the past year and hated myself) and how me hurting myself, intentionally or not, hurts him and is abusive too. I said we should break up then if I do that to him because I don’t want to hurt him.
But then he said that he believes I can change and so can he. I really don’t know what to think anymore. Now I definitely feel like I can’t report him if he is now saying I’m an abuser too. I’m so confused.
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you are not an abuser unicornsparklehead. He is trying to confuse you with that talk that you were abusive to him. I agree with KIP, he has not changed. From all accounts it takes alot of therapy (years of therapy) for abusers to change, if they can change at all. Promises that they will change are not enough. My abuser apologized the first time he hit me, he said it was a mistake and it would never happen again. I believed him. A couple of months later he physically abused me worse than the first time. All accounts of abuse I have seen report the abuse does not stop until one partner leaves, or is very seriously injured, or the abuser starts therapy. Perhaps you may want to consider no contact for a while?
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My ex also told me that I was emotionally abusive, because I self harmed, and because I cried all the time. I haven’t had the urge to do either since I left him. Him telling you that he and his ex got into worse situations definitely suggests that he was abusing her too.
My ex also promised to change, over and over. He had a cycle where he was badly abusive at least once every three weeks. Sometimes it was more often, but he never went longer without it. He’d manage that long if he sensed that I was ready to leave and I would be lulled into a false sense of security thinking things were better. They always got worse. Over the years he went from only being emotionally abusive to being sexually abusive, to financially abusive and finally physically abusive too. Given that your partner is already strangling you I would be really worried about how things might go next.
You say you are away on a family visit? Could you possibly just stay away? I know that seems extreme, but I know I needed the clarity of distance to unnormalise what my ex did. I semi moved out before I managed to leave him. Everyone else knew things were bad – I was terrified of him finding out where I was living during the week, even though I was going back every weekend to see him. The cognitive dissonance was insane. I now believe that he might have killed me if I had stayed. He used to smother me (hands clamped firmly over my mouth and nose) for talking too much. The abuse in his eyes was always my fault because I was difficult. Looking back I cannot believe the kinds of things he convinced me were so rage inducing that he thought they warranted abuse.
I am in my late twenties by the way. This stuff started in my early twenties. There is a stereotype that this kind of thing happens mostly to older married women. It just isn’t true.
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My husband is also telling I am dominating, I am controlling him, I am the person nobody could live with. He is telling he is suffering a lot, he cannot go on. We’ve spent hours talking how he can change, what he & me can do to make our relationship better. We even had consultations with psychologist for (detail removed by Moderator) months (separately). But all these were just talks! He was very nice for a couple of weeks and than started again!
Last time he packed his staff and decided to move out (he was doing it a couple of times before but always came back), I was so happy! Than he called me and asked almost crying that i allow him to come back, that he needs the last chance, that he will change. I did very big mistake, I allowed, even I new I didn’t have to. Everything was fine just 1 week! And everything became worse after! I promised myself i will never believe him anymore. They are talking a lot, but these are just talks and mean nothing!I’ve lost 1 year because i went to psychologist. I was trying to find problem in myself, where it wasn’t there.
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Hi UnicornSparkleHead,
Welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing with us. I am pleased you found us so I hope you find the Forum a safe and supportive place to be. It is great to see so many replies to your posts already.
The abuse from your partner is very worrying. As already suggested, are you able to continue to stay with your family longer to give you space and time to decide your next step? Please believe you are not an abuser and you have not caused any of the abuse. The only person responsible for the abuse is him, and unfortunately he will not change. I am concerned the abuse will escalate.
If talking would help then the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) is available. The Helpline Workers can be a listening service as well as discuss your options based on your circumstances. Emotional and practical support can also be available via your local support service. You can find details here.
You have done so well to reach out for support on here and to speak to the police which must have taken so much courage. Only you can decide what to do next but we are here for you along the way. Keep posting to us when you can.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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Thank you Lisa and everyone else. It means a lot to have somewhere to talk about things. I find myself feeling so guilty pretending everything is okay with my partner, knowing I have spoken to the police and knowing that there is something they have on him. It makes me feel like I have no idea who he is at all.
His mother is a survivor and the things his dad did terrify me. His father went to prison but his mother still married him after he got out. It very much feels like he is convinced this sort of behaviour is a natural part of relationships.
He’s been really calm now – still insanely jealous, he tried to convince me my best girl friend must be having a crush on me even though she is straight and has a boyfriend – but other than that he hasn’t name called, he hasn’t gotten angry. Maybe it’s because I’m away and he needs me to come back, I don’t know. I really don’t know what to do anymore, I feel so guilty about it all.
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Hi Unicorn,
Please believe me, my husband had me convinced for years he was as honest as the day was long, blamed me for all our problems etc
He used to drink heavily and one night accidentally revealed he had an alternative definition for the word lie- it’s only a lie if it’s an untruth whose sole purpose is to hurt me apparently! So as long as his lies also keep him out of trouble he isn’t lying (in his mind!) They are so devious these men, normal people just can’t imagine half the things they do.
He sounds so much like my husband, he would bite me and tell me he wanted to ‘leave his mark on me so other men knew I belonged to him’, accused me of having affairs when he was the one having affairs not me, accused me of being paranoid and delusional, but he’s the one who is paranoid- that I will eventually find him out! I always feel paranoid, but it’s not paranoia if you have reason to be worried
It sounds to me like you and I both have good reason to be very concerned. Whether you report him to the police or not I can’t advise because I’m far too afraid of mine’s reaction but I’m leaving as soon as I’ve got everything arranged and I’m starting divorce process, what I would advise you is to stop talking to him and stay away. Everything I say to mine he has seemingly valid excuses for- he’s a pathological liar, that’s how they confuse us and get away with it all, don’t let him get away with seriously hurting you. None of this is your fault, none of his lies and excuses are true, he will say/do anything to keep controlling you. Please stay away if you can and make a clean no contact break. Their words are poisonous lies designed to fill our heads with doubts, confusion and guilt. Keep reading these posts, any books, websites on abuse and you’ll see what everyone is saying is true. Take care of yourself, it’s hard to believe that they can be so cruel and deceitful, but they are masters at lies, acting etc
Be careful he has nothing to lose now, he’s at his most dangerous. Good luck -
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Haven’t posted for a while cause I felt so embarrassed. As if it was all a bad dream I made up in my head. He’s been an absolute dream. I told him we were over and I couldn’t handle his behaviour anymore. That I loved him and was very sorry but would not be spoken to and treated that way anymore. In come the begs and pleads and I just give in. I couldn’t help it. He’s been incredibly kind and patient and caring and I just don’t know what to do now. It’s like I imagined all of it.
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Don’t feel bad. A lot of women take several attempts before they manage to leave. Unfortunately you didn’t imagine what happened before. The behaviour your are describing now sounds like what is called love bombing, where an abuser is incredibly lovely and kind in order to trick us into believing that they are not abusive. It’s incredibly confusing. I decided that I was going to leave my partner many times and then he would start acting like this. I would think I imagining how bad things got, and stay. Like I said my abuser had about a three week cycle, he never managed more than three weeks in the lovely perfect partner phase that you describe. After that time he always returned to being horrible to me. Other abusers have different cycle lengths, but these good periods are highly characteristic of abuse. I thought I was going mad. I couldn’t understand why my lovely caring boyfriend acted so cruelly sometimes. It wasn’t until he had been both hitting me and sexually abusing me for almost a year that I realised there was a problem, because I was so used to verbal abuse by this point. Obviously I hope that this isn’t the case with your partner, but his previous behaviour is so extreme and it is highly unusual for abusers to change their behaviour, so sadly it seems highly unlikely. You should be prepared for things to go bad again suddenly. If you don’t feel like you can make plans to leave now, while things are still good, at least try and make an escape plan for if things go bad. If you phone the helpline they will be able to help you with this. When you manage to leave again cut all contact with this man. He, like all abusers will be expert at manipulating you into returning. The only way to stay strong is to cut him out of your life completely. No phonecalls, no texts, no email, no social media. Good luck.
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Hey Unicorn, don’t be embarrassed and keep posting on here. We will keep reminding you that none of this was in your imagination. This period is the honeymoon period in the cycle of abuse. I’ve been through it many times. Sadly it’s only temporary and the punishment you will get will be worse than before and you will be so exhausted and confused by his behaviour that you just won’t see it coming. He has shown you his true colours. Please believe him. He wears a fake mask. The real him is a nasty selfish serf serving dangerous individual who will suck the life from you. Stay safe x listen to the professionals. They deal with monsters like him every day x no contact is so important when trying to break away x google cognitive dissonance. Our brains don’t want to accept the danger we are in so it uses cognitive dissonance to protect us. It’s dangerous denial x
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UnicornSparkleHead
I understand you! If it would be easy to leave such relationship, there would be no domestic abuse at all.
You have big bonus now, you’ll know he is abusing you next time he will do it. You know the truth now and everything is changed for you even you accepted his apologises.
I have started to record our conversations on the phone just to check, what i told him and what and in which way he told me. Because he also always told he never shouted and he never did anything bad to me. But I have these records and I can listen them when I have some doubts, not the worst part of his behaviour has been recorded even. This helps me to stay in clear mind, otherwise I would believe him again.
It is so easy to believe and it is so hard to cut.
Nobody will blame you here because all of us went through this and understands you. -
I don’t know what to do anymore. So I tried to end it with him again and he has just been everything I had always wanted him to be. Kind, patient, caring. Police keep ringing me to ask me to make my statement and make sure I’m okay and I feel so stupid for ever having gone to them because he is the perfect boyfriend now. There’s some occasional weird stuff about making up stories that aren’t true still but when I say: why do you do that? That didn’t happen. He now just admits it and goes: yes I’m sorry it didn’t, I don’t know why I made that up. So it feels like he is learning.Only scared about moving back in together after the holidays; because I don’t know if this is actual change or just change until I’m back in his control and living with him so that he can control me again. It’s so confusing and I don’t know if he really has understood and is changing or if it’s not a change. He’s promised me he’ll never ever hurt me again and that we won’t ever get like that again. So I have no idea what is going on now, but it’s so perfect now that I feel like an idiot.
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This is the mask they wear. He has promised you before and has then gone on to hurt you. Abuse always gets worse. These men are so manipulative. The police are ringing you because they are genuinely worried. They deal with monsters like him every day and can recognise them. You are trapped in the fog of abuse. He’s still lying to you. Even if he admits if you catch him out. He’s just changing tactics. I can tell you he’s going to hurt you badly. Please don’t move back in with him. Your gut is trying to tell you something. Listen to it. The police are there to help x
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He is still lying to you, even when he knows that you are at your limit. And you are still scared of him. Listen to that voice inside you that says you are not safe! It knows what it is talking about. I ignored that voice for far too long. My ex also had an abusive father, and I thought for years that he just didn’t know how to have a healthy relationship and that he would learn. He didn’t. Instead he got slowly worse and worse. Because he got a kick out of it. It turned him on to hurt me. I was lucky that I got out when I did. When you try to leave again get as much support in place as you can and go completely no contact with your abuser. He will do everything to twist your mind to believe that you need him, you are perfect for each other, and that you will never meet anyone better. It isn’t true. But you need to distance yourself from him to see it.
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I 100% agree with the others here, please don’t slip back into the fog because you are not safe with someone like this. I know how wonderful they can seem as my ex was the exact same. He did some strange and hurtful things and I started to see through him so I ended things, but he layed on the charm, the Boyfriend of the Year act and I was completely washed away in a sea of blissful denial. Not long after I was in his house planning how to get out as he threatened to hurt me with a raised hand and a look of vicious glee in his eyes. My gut had been whispering, telling then screaming at me that he was not safe but I was so confused because my conscious brain thought he was wonderful!
My gut was right. He ended up being dangerous. Please listen to your gut and don’t let him fool you with smooth talk, they are experts at that and will say and do exactly what he knows you want him to say/do until you are back under his control. Don’t feel bad, it’s so common because they are such good liars and wear an incredibly convincing mask, it has taken me almost a year to get over the fact that my ex wore a mask as he seemed so REAL.
Keep posting, stay safe and trust your gut.
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@KIP: I have read about it but it’s still hard to believe. I want to believe the opposite is true so badly. That he slipped. That it isn’t him.
@Tiffany: scary that you say that. I have noticed that it strangely turns him on too. That after a fight he will want sex and I notice he’s already very turned on, and I’m there thinking: how can shouting and being awful get you aroused like that? I almost forgot about that.
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He unicorn. My ex always wanted sex after an abusive outburst. I think they want to ensure they have the power back in their hands. It’s sick because it binds us to them in a frightful dysfunctional way. Trauma bonding. We forget the pain and latch onto the closeness. So the man who abuses us becomes our saviour. Horrible mind bending dysfunction x
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My abuser got to the stage where he couldn’t get turned on without emotionally hurting me first. He claimed that he liked ‘make-up sex’. I started to suspect that he was starting fights because he wanted sex. So I stopped doing it when we had just argued. I thought that might stop us from fighting if the two were disconnected in his mind. Instead we stopped having sex as and he withheld all affection. Until I would give in on the no sex after fights thing.
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A month on. And I stayed. I went back into it all. Stayed with his loving family for two weeks and he was just perfect.
Then it started slowly again, little jabs about me not dressing nicely and not wearing enough make up. Getting angry when I stand up for myself and say I won’t get sworn at. He keeps telling me I need to stop living in the past and that I am in the wrong for still feeling hurt and upset about the physical abuse and the swearing. He still tells me to f**k off and other things, but then followed by saying I don’t love him and never have. I just feel so so upset all the time and feel like everything is my fault and I’m the bad guy for not being able to forget about it. But I fear for our future. I don’t know if he’ll ever get physical again. If we ever start a family I wouldn’t want to put future children in danger. I’m just so afraid.
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Please do not have children with this man, the fact that you are afraid is your body, mind and soul telling you that you are not safe. As lots of ladies will tell you hear, they had doubts about their abusers, married them and the abuse escalated to very serious, dangerous levels. They and their children are now permanently unsafe having to look over their shoulders for the rest of their lives. We don’t fear people for no reason. I feared my ex too but didn’t understand why. Weeks later he got very aggressive, scary and threatening and suddenly my gut feeling all made sense.
Ring the helpline for support and advice, they can help you make sense of things. He is very abusive but you are in the fog of abuse where you can’t see it clearly due to how confusing abuse is. Abuse always escalates so he will start getting physical again at some point, it works in a cycle. Look up the Cycle of Abuse and the Power and Control Wheel in google as it will help you get clearer about what is happening. And keep posting for support, it is very positive that you recognise it is not right, your gut is trying to warn you, listen to that as it is never wrong.
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He has already shown you his true colours, believe him. I know his game. He is abusive to you then when you stand up for yourself, all of a sudden the spotlight is on your behaviour. Point that spotlight right back at his behaviour. The police have warned you and your gut is warning you. Abusers never change, they always get worse. Ring the helpline x
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“I am just so afraid.”
Even if there were no red flags, had been no abusive incidents, or police warnings, that is not a relationship that you should be in. No one should date someone that they are afraid of.
The fact that you are confused about whether that is a fair position to take or not is because abusive behaviour is confusing. But you are scared of him. And if you are scared or unhappy then it is reasonable to leave the relationship even if it wasn’t abusive.
And it definitely is. He is verbally abusive (comments on clothes and swears), he has been physically abusive, and he has been attempting to gaslight you, trying to get you to forget and minimise his previous abuse. Unfortunately things are likely to continue to get worse. Can you at least start by getting yourself an escape bag together. Clean underwear, bank card, cash, important documents, kept somewhere were you can grab it on the way out of the flat. And try and call the helpline.
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I’ve been trying so so hard to get out. I lost my job because of our incessant arguments (I have to write to deadlines and I missed it three times because he wouldn’t let me work and just continued arguing when I said I literally had no time to do that). Tried to end it and he told me he had hurt himself badly, which left me worried sick. Then he said that was just a joke. I said that was the last drop and that that was so cruel to do. Put my phone in a different room and he called me all night long, lots of messages, woke up to him telling me he had booked a flight and was coming to see me to talk. I didn’t believe he actually would because he had work to do as well and couldn’t just come. Turns out he was lying and manipulating again, he wasn’t even at the airport when he said he was. I said he lied again and that I couldn’t take it anymore and he would not let go. All day, all night my phone rings and he messages, even messaging my friends to ask where I am. I’m so so upset. I have lost my livelihood again because of this and I cannot deal with the guilt of hurting him. My life is completely falling apart.
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It’s great that your eyes are now open to the abuse. Next time, don’t try to end it. Just leave. No discussion. Wait until he is out and pack up your stuff and leave. Things are going to continue to get worse. Try contacting the helpline to discuss the particulars of your situation and come up with a full escape plan. Going into a refuge is going to be an option that I would really consider in your shoes – your partner is clearly dangerous and it might be easier to maintain no contact in a refuge as he would be less likely to be able to find you. When you leave I would definitely block him from phoning you immediately and change your number as soon as possible. None of us like leaving like that, but sadly it is the only way to stay safe. If you want to tell him it’s over, leave a note when you leave the house. Or involve the police again – I am not sure how you do this, maybe ask on the helpline, but you can get the police to warn him to stay away from you after you leave. That should send a clear signal that you are ending things. I hope you get through to the helpline soon.
Also, pack an emergency bag – important documents, cash clean underwear and a phone charger were what I had in mine – all in a handbag at the door. Something that you can grab on your way out if you have to flee unplanned.
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Unless I misunderstood your last post and you are out? In which case, go totally non contact. Black him on your phone, change your number, tell your friends not to pass on any messages from him. I would also consider taking the evidence of his harassment of you to the police as they can give him an official warning that he has to stop.
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Ladies I’m struggling so hard. I broke up with him four times in four days but it hurts so much. He cries and cries over the phone, saying he can change, he’s only young, he’s not a lost cause yet like his father. I feel so torn. It’s (detail removed by Moderator) and I don’t want to leave him all alone. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to forget the abuse, but I feel so guilty not forgiving him. Been trying to get through to the help line but it’s busy. Just feel like I need the support now to go through with this, I hate seeing and hearing him suffer this badly.
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Hi Unicorn,
You need to go no contact now. I know it seems mean, but these men are not like normal people, they lack empathy and are expert manipulators. The tears will all be fake. My ex put on an oscar winning performance convincing me that I’d got him wrong and that he really cared about me and persuaded me to shelve all my doubts. A few months later I was sitting in a police room reporting him – my gut had been right and I regret not listening to it and believing him over myself.
Don’t make the same mistake I did, you have a chance now to be free of him. Block him on everything and if he keeps trying to contact you, report him for harassment. I know it hurts like crazy, believe me, but if you can think of it as a matter of safety – women are killed each week by men like this so you really are not safe if you return to him. Although he appears convincingly to be hurt, as hard as it is to understand, he is just acting. He is really in fact annoyed that his latest possession (you) got away and is trying to get you back under his control.
Also, remember that guilt is their favourite tool – Fear, Obligation and Guilt, because as you are finding, it is soooo effective at getting us to feel sorry for them and take them back. Everything they say is designed to keep their power over us, and cannot be believed.
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Forgot to remind you. He’s known to the Police. At least one other woman gave him another chance and it ended badly for her. He has had chance after chance. If he respected your boundaries he would leave you alone. That’s another chance he’s not taking. He is not your responsibility. My ex cried like a baby, begging and pleading then when he changed my mind I saw him smirk! He was happy and I hit a new low. Don’t continue to do this to your health. Learn from my mistakes. Run for the hills, run fast and don’t look back!
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Please take KIP and SunshineRainflower’s advice. No contact. You know he is good at manipulating you. And trying to guilt trip you into not leaving is not normal behaviour. You are feeling the level of guilt you are because he is abusive and has trained you to feel guilty. Normal people don’t want their partners to stay in a relationship because they feel guilty. Imagine it, someone telling you they didn’t love you, they only stayed because they felt guilty about leaving you. It’s a horrendous feeling. I know because my abuser used it as a tool of abuse. I was ready to pack my bags when he told me. Of course he played it off as something he’d felt early in the relationship and that now he really loved me. But I felt guilty about that until the moment I left, because I would never have wanted anyone to stay with me out of guilt.
I know it feels mean just to block him, but you need to do it for your own safety. It’s not your fault you have to do it. It’s his. Mine tried to convince me to stay because he was not as bad as his father. He probably wasn’t. His father was a horrible man who enjoyed tormenting small children as well as his wife and family. My ex saved it up just for me. Doesn’t mean I have to have him in my life. His behaviour was hurting me, so leaving was the best thing for me to do. Your ex has lost you your job and your confidence in yourself. You can get these things back if you stay away. And the only way to do that is to have no contact with him.
He’s basically addictive to you now. If you were quitting smoking you wouldn’t keep cigarettes and lighters in your pocket. No contact is the same idea. You are trying to quit him, so you need to remove as much of the temptation to return as possible. Blocking him by phone, on social media etc. is like removing cigarettes and lighters from your house. It cuts temptation. Telling your friends helps too as they can support and motivate. And involving the police and the helpline is like getting help from the doctors to quit smoking. Professional help will definitely reduce the risk of you returning to your addictive relationship. Can you try leaving a message on the helpline with your number and a request that they call back? Kip’s suggestion of talking to the domestic abuse team at the police is good too.
I hope that you manage to stay out this time. Keep posting!
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Have you tried writing down a list of all abusive incidents. Any time he hurt you or scared you. I found that really useful when I left. Obviously make sure he can’t see it – if you are back with him he might become violent, or convince you that you imagined the abuse. Sadly you didn’t. But if you are out, or next time you leave, then start a list. You will probably find yourself adding to it for weeks as you process the trauma and start to remember things. I had forgotten that mine hit me, and failed to process at the time that he was sexually abusive. When you are with an abuser so much energy is spent on staying safe and trying to read their moods, and it is so confusing the way they switch from nice to cruel and back, that we end up blotting stuff out. So in the early days after leaving a list is invaluable to remind yourself why you left and why you won’t return. Some people also collate these lists before they leave, but you have to be sure it is safe and that he can’t read it.
Also abusers are dangerous because they are so believable, especially to their victims. We wouldn’t get hooked in if they weren’t. It’s why we keep going on about no contact. They know exactly how to mess with our heads, and will take advantage of any opening.
Stay strong.
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