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Hi I am struggling to get to grips with the fact that I know his behaviour has been emotionally abusive /gaslighting , I can see it now . Yet because if the nice, appearing to be empathic, supportive with the kids, sometimes even having feelings of love again moments I can’t seem to move forward in the way I had intended just after Xmas when I know he had been really hard work and uncomfortable to be around . I can’t trust him or forget the way he has made me feel and i can’t see how I can move forward with him in getting closer to him again because if the loss of trust etc yet I’m finding myself agreeing and going along with our plans spending money on the house which is bonkers . It would be really helpful if anyone else is like this . I think Iv been in a “good phase “ for a while but have seen some of the control on occasions still but then I see the “old him “ which makes me have Moments if love again . I can’t see a way forward or getting out , either way I feel stuck
Thanks x -
Like so many others, you’re stuck in that cycle of abuse. It’s sickening because we get to know full well that the abusive side will come rolling round again at some point, no matter what we say or do. There’s no avoiding it. So even when they’re in the ‘nice’ phase of the cycle, not only are we haunted by memories of what they have said and done to hurt us, we’re exausting ourselves treading on eggshells trying to avoid the next (inevitable) phase of nastiness.
GRxx
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Hey i stuggled with this last week after months of calm i really did start to doubt everything i had learned i bkamed myself for being messed up and over seeing things that werent there.
But then he showed himself again and its gotten nasty again. Every marriage relationship has its uos and downs but with ours its different they all seem to follow the same pattern the same cycle we can all here tell very similar stories which helps you to see and believe that its not right its not normal and its not safe.
You cannot live walking on eggshells no matter how nice he is during the calm spell.
Stay safe stay stromg x -
Your mind is tricking you into believing this is real and can last but sadly it’s a cycle and the bad will return. I gave it so many chances, excused so much that now, I’m looking back berating myself for being crazy to stay. But it’s what we do in these relationships. I think the key part is the trust which once lost can’t return, and your happiness – are you truly happy or just ‘happy enough that it’s not bad at the mo’. I found this part of the journey really hard, good luck xx
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Hi Plodding
It is so confusing, a little bit of calm can almost make us forget how dreadful it was when it’s bad and that’s such a good point about being “just happy enough”. I’m hoping I learn eventually I deserve more. We do deserve more and shouldn’t be putting ourselves way down the priority list and putting up with c**p behaviour towards us.
Sending you love and strength, it’s not easy, I feel it today too xx -
Plodding like you said he’s been gaslighting you for a long time so it’s it’s no wonder you’ve ended up going along with things you honestly don’t want to do deep down, abusers are classic persuaders, perhaps you’ve just adapted to a default mode way of feeling (like obligated or vulnerable) but your already heartbroken while still being with your s.o. We think the way we feel is the way we “have” to feel and that’s our lot, but we’ve only got one life, there is happiness out there but your sadness is probably keeping you stuck too and your gratitude for his momentary changes are confusing you, but the damage he’s caused you had gone too deep, you can be happy, there is a happy outside of relationship prison i promise 🤗💛🤗
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Hi,
I didn’t want to read and run. Just wanted to say I’m in exactly the same position! I’m doubting myself. In fact, he’s been so nice recently. His has always been subtle, passive aggressive. He’s the one that doesn’t shout in arguments and he had me over a barrel for that for ages until I understood the reasons behind my rage!
What has really helped me is sticking to facts. What’s is wrong and what is right. Short clear, statements. No diverting to analysing why things were said, in what tone/manner. You tend to veer off topic then.
Reading my notes, letters, emails that I’ve written in despair is what is keeping me focused on the truth: I am not/did not imagine it all. I even have letters and emails from him. On the surface, it looks like a nice loving note from a husband to his wife but when your eyes have been opened, you can’t under the manipulation/love-bombing/hoovering.
He tells me if he has been manipulative, it’s unconscious. He doesn’t mean to. The tears then follow. He’s such a deep person. With complex thoughts and just struggles with ‘sharing’ those thoughts with me. He is so intellectual, blah blah blah.
Please don’t fall for it. Remember all he has done and how the behaviour never changes. Any ‘attempts’ are token gestures to get you back on side. I’m currently trying to work my way out. We still live together but I moved to spare room after I got Covid and I’ve not returned to our bedroom since. I am sleeping so much better there.
I am also scared. The more confident I am, the more likely the tactics will escalate.
One example of how subtle he is: he’s been so nice and appears loving, making me brews every morning,etc. I stopped putting kisses at the end of my messages a while back. He continues to put a kiss on his. As soon as we discussed separation (detail removed by Moderator) when he finally agreed he would move out, all messages have dropped the kisses. Wants to discuss things first thing (detail removed by Moderator) when I’m doing my exercise dvd. I said can we talk about it later. I’m kind of busy now and the response: (detail removed by Moderator)The poor me routine doesn’t work anymore!
Stay strong, lovely!
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I’m so glad I logged in to see this. I decided to leave and tell him in (detail removed by moderator) and he’s used emotional and manipulative behaviour and here I am still no further along. Sometimes happy but mostly confused and don’t know what I’m even feeling. I thought I’d log in here to see if there was anything that could help me and this is it. It’s so hard and confusing isn’t it? We have plans to go to a (detail removed by moderator), friends coming for takeaways, he just bought me a new (detail removed by moderator). But I do not trust him. His words and actions have hurt me I just can’t get passed it 😭 Iv no words of advice but just to say I feel the same. Hugs x
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