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My ex tried to destroy me in every way imaginable.
Besides using me for his own furtherment, he put down everything about me. He made fun of my looks and flirted with people in front of me, so that I felt unattractive ; he taunted me for having lumps on my legs, which came up as part of an illness ( they’ve gone now he has!); he mocked me for beginning to show some signs of ageing ( as if he’s a spring chicken!) and told me he wished I was non-verbal. I began to hate myself so much, I seriously considered becoming a mute recluse. I heard about a man who stopped speaking for thirty years, and I could understand why he’d done this. I just felt like folding up and disappearing. I hated myself.
I’m beginning to get that feeling of joy back in being myself. I don’t need anyone else’s approval: all that matters is that I am being true to myself, and being who I was meant to be. I’m not going to suspend or stifle myself for anyone, ever again. I’d rather be alone if it means that being part of a couple means not being able to be myself.
I found a lovely quote today:
“The one thing that you have that nobody else has is you. Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision. So write and draw and build and play and dance and live as only you can.”
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I don’t have a positive quote, but I was treated in that way too. I was regularly told I was stupid, unattractive, insecure. He found so many things about me, my life, anything I had achieved, to criticise or find fault with. Over the years I see him more clearly as a jealous coward, who resents other people’s successes, their qualities, their good relationships with others and their ability to enjoy life without stepping on someone else (he calls this a weakness, apparently strong people step on others). If anyone has something nice, he resents it or he wants it, he even resents my relationship with our daughter because nobody ‘looked out for him like that’ and yet I know he came from a loving family. He has no excuses for his behaviour, he is just a selfish, jealous individual who isn’t strong enough to be a good person and treat others well. He feels very entitled because, as he says, he is ‘a man’. Once, when I was driving our daughter to meet him for a few hours visit, I saw him and I wanted to vomit. He is probably the ugliest person I have known. So totally repulsive to me, and then I greet him and ask him how he is, always civil. But its true, he makes me want to vomit with repulsion. I have spent years listening to him, how he thinks, his attitudes, his prejudices, listening to the defiled mind wanting to defile others. xx
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