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Inside despite feeling scared of life I manage somehow to keep hold of some positivity, I’m away & it’s taken me (detail removed by Moderator) to completely accept just how he managed to destroy me, I am believed by no one yet I hold onto the truth of what I know he did many years. Positivity is because I somehow manage to keep fighting against everyone he has brainwashed into believing he is the victim & that I am the crazy one. Does it always feel that no one will ever believe you? And does anyone else have the constant struggle of how much more strength can I find to keep fighting. Am I wrong to be positive in knowing exactly how they work, finally accepting that I am free from his control yet not free from his continued smear campaign against me. I think I’m being positive to keep fighting & not giving up despite all the non believers x
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My therapist told me to refer to the three ‘A’s. Avoid, Amend and Accept. If you can avoid then that’s your best option, if not then you can try to Amend however there comes a time when you just have to Accept. With flying monkeys I’ve found its best to avoid. Play the long game. Eventually people around abusers will see their abusive side. They can’t keep the mask on forever. It always slips and they are such pathalogical liars, they forget the lies they’ve told.
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Hi Kip, flying monkeys are virtually everyone I know, it’s been awful since leaving to say the least! He was a pathological liar yet now made it look like I was & am. Even my own family believe him!! He has convinced everyone that I’m some mental case yet he was absolutely crazy on the things he did x
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I agree it’s tough to stay positive. Though we all have ups & downs ..It unrealistic to be positive every day..As like normal people… things about the whole decade come into.my mind and it’s easy to be affected…Questioning…And still unable to accept that I have been cleverly portrayed as ‘the difficult one’ & he has through his master plan come out of it like ‘the victim’…Though the mask will slip although I know with him he sees his family for only a couple of days for a jolly.. which will not allow them to witness his crazy alter ego..He won’t allow that ( too dangerous for him)and us exs are just women with major problems who he happened to be with!!
Oh my goodness I remember his brother saying..Yes he’s so sensitive!!! He picks up on bad vibes…Like it was my fault! What I find incredible is that people believe untruths just because it’s convenient not to acknowledge the reality of their family! & So the roles they play are set in stone like in childhood and maintained when together..
He’s the youngest spoiled.In every sense..(even in late middle age).. it’s like none of them have actually grown up at all! Poor brother…
Can’t they wake up and do something positive for the trail if people left in their path!? I mean does conseienc e ever come into anyone’s head…Not him but anyone who has net me??!They like it that way…V twisted at the expense of others..They must stay together whatever.
However I like the 3 A’s…And will think about that strategy.
Cx
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Hi Cuppa I like the 3 A’s too, An interesting thing you said was that your abuser was the youngest, mine 2 & by a lot of years as well. I’d once thought that could have been the reason he acted Like a spoilt child, he has been, his mother although he also abused her badly, & she was also as terrified of him as I was, would always on the one hand tell me things & tell me not to tell him as he’d scream & shout at her, she’d ask does he still scream & shout at you, I’d say yes, she used to hold her head in her hands & cry, saying he must go to the doctors, then on the other hand she’d make her son out to be a saint. Her husband has schizophrenia & I am certain my abuser did too. He refused to do anything about it. X
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Im new here, away and free but the thing I’m finding the hardest now isn’t having nothing and struggling with two children and MS, trying to build a new life. It is to hear his smear campaign. I’m a psychotic drunk who supposedly imagined it all. The things he did, you couldn’t imagine. He was found guilty but still denies everything. Why are they such cowards? The abuse doesn’t end when you leave, it’s just a different kind of abuse. Why do people believe them? Why don’t they realise that no woman would put herself and her children through this unless they had no other way out. When it’s got to the point you’re terrified, your children are terrified and every day it’s getting worse x
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Hi Nina, I am struggling badly too, It still feels like we are still in the abusive situation even though we’re not, we are because their smear campaign allows others to look down on us, judge us & that hurts massively when all we desperately need is a strong support network. They will never admit they are wrong, Mine was a true Narcisist he lived his life blame throwing. That’s what they do, I have tried relentlessly telling the truth & it falls on death ears as those people have already been brainwashed by the very abusers who brainwashed us. Someone said in a post recently, we know the truth & that’s all that matters, I know you will feel like I do though, like I think we all feel, The abuse was bad enough, we escape, think we are free & yet left so utterly weak x
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…I’m trying to get my head around the injustice of society.
Really seriously does society really think that millions of women and their children are going to …out of the blue…leave their partners, husbands, whoever …if they were lovely honest kind caring and supportive??
Doesn’t anyone seem to …get it? Women do not want to go through pain with children or without. Who wants pain? Who would want to leave a man who honestly loves his woman?The opposites of kind supportive loving honest are unkind aggressive cruel and liars…it’s not difficult to work out. If women are kicking men out and having to escape with nothing…they are not running out of choice they are running for their sanity for their lives and their children’s lives and for a future free from harassment, abuse and pain.
God only knows why people cannot take the blinkers off and see the world for what it is. Why do we have to explain…someone else’s criminal mind?..I’m not a pyschologist I’m a woman who got caught by a abuser… Like anyone asks for that lifE. If I was attacked on the street I hope that person would be prosecuted, imagine being attacked in your own bed…and them walking away.
That’s what abuse feels like to me.
Sorry had to get that off my chest! So b****y frustrating.
Cx
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Hi Cuppa, yes I think society is just like that, they have been fooled by our abusers just like we were, abusers are so clever at deceit making us look like the bad ones & portraying themselves as the victims. I honestly didn’t see his behaviour as abuse for years, was utterly convinced that it was me being over sensitive, we’d had major outside trauma too. All outsiders saw was a man who had to put up with a lot! Sadly by the time myself & son left we were both so broken that we couldn’t work, again society deems us lazy! I am suffering terribly so is my son from the aftermath, I struggle sleeping, struggle going out anywhere, just a visit to the shop I get in a dreadful state. Society has no idea, I’ve been told recently it doesn’t matter what you’ve been through, it’s just an excuse! If only they realised how this all felt, how most days your head feels like it will explode! How your body shakes & is on pain from being so tense most of the time. Society most of the time has no idea what it feels like living in an environment that is tense & fraught most of the time! I’ve also heard majority say as my own sister did, well if you’re feeling anxious don’t be anxious. His threats terrified me, how can you not be anxious. X
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These abusers think they are so clever. Playing the victim.. they evil i myself feel let down badly by the system . I do believe in karma it’s just slow. Yes he destroyed me .but iam filter always have been.. stay postive yer don’t let the b*****ds grind you down ..we are worth a lot more than these coward vile creatures
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Hi IamFree, I love those words don’t let the b….. do grind you down. I knew that once I’d left he would do all he could to completely destroy my life as had seen him do it to his own sister, he dragged up her whole life from childhood, saw him do it to others too! His own life had been one of pathological gambling (years of it when with me) He abused at every angle & had fooled society many years. I fell for horrendous lies years. I pray karma exists x
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Gosh Cuppa your post summed up how I’ve been feeling! Why do we have to justify why we left? Why can’t people see the world for what it is! I would never have left my home or split my family if it wasn’t so bad I saw no other way and if I wasn’t dealing with verbal and emotional abuse from him constantly I wouldn’t have left! But still I have to justify and explain that it was so bad I had to leave. People don’t get it. And I feel in our society also this abuse needs to be talked about more. So people can understand it. And support those who are going through it.
I am heading for divorce and I have no a doubt that my ex will make out that it’s me, look at everything I’ve done for her, she’s so oversensitive it was just a few arguments. She changed when she had a baby, she left me, she didn’t love me… she says I am abusive ME ABUSIVE!?? He has perfected his charming mask for all the world to see and is a master of disguise.
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Hi Lilaclady me too, The verbal aggression & treading on eggshells 24/7 was so severe I had to get me & my son away too! I was so low I wanted to go to sleep & not wake up again. I hear people say they maybe had a row & fell out, how awful it was to not talk a couple of days, I don’t say but when those very people have not understood I think try living with it 24/7 having the silent treatment for up to 2 weeks at a time & live in fear of his next explosion for years, then you truly would know what domestic abuse feels like. Not that I would wish it on anyone x
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Yes ladies I’m with you…Seriously..No doubt it could be put a different way my opening statement would be.. if he was so lovely I wouldn’t be here talking to you. If he’d cared shared and been a decent human being I would still be with him. End of.
So frustrating like women just up & leave for no reason OMG!!!
Wake up world!!!
Hugs Cx
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Wish we could all do something to wake the world up cuppa, Then maybe just maybe the abusers wouldn’t find it so easy to hide the truth. I was not married to him but with abuse years, No we should never have to justify ourselves to anyone, He acted like he owned me, Like an object. Maybe if the non believers had their every move monitored & then criticised & bullied, they would probably begin to realise only after a week or 2 how vile it is, take it on board 24/7 years & they wonder why we end up in such a dreadful state x
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Reading your comments made me cry. I never used to cry. I’m relived that I’m not the only one but so devastated that others have gone through it and we’re all living with the fall out. You can’t comprehend it, if you’ve not lived it. I only go out to school runs or hospital appointments too. I feel like a half person now and weak, as I ran away even though I had no choice. I feel grateful that IDAS and the police have been so kind and supportive, I wouldn’t be here without them but I’ve been let down massively by people I once thought were friends.
I’m worried now about the publicity, and just want to be invisible. It’s all going to be in the press, once my ex is sentenced. I don’t want any of it but it’s going to happen because of his work. I’m going to be portrayed as either a liar or a victim and I’m neither xx-
Hi Nina, Love & hugs to you, It sounds strange but crying is good, it releases some of the pressure inside. I have spent hours crying too. When I was there if I cried it made him worse, yet he would never stop until he made me sob, they enjoy that power & somehow makes them feel like men!!! Keep strong as you know how to, I come on here a lot now as it does really help you are not the only one, that is how it feels though, like no one understands. We all do on here though, I’m so grateful that we can all try to help each other x
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Thanks Blueberry, mine was the same so I didn’t dare cry. It must be a day for it, my daughter had a panic attack and was histerical at school today. She’s only little and it’s the first time since we left that she’s cried.
I’m angry now and wish he could see the damage he’s done but I know in reality he wouldn’t care.
It does help knowing I’m not alone and I’m not going crazy x-
Oh Nina bless her heart, my heart goes out to you & your children, My son now adult & not his son is still in a dreadful state. He was only young when I met my abuser, I can not even begin to tell you the damage that man has done to both of us. I am so glad you got away while your children are still young, I know it is really Difficult now, and I do know how heartbreaking it is to see our children go through hell. Abusers know that when our children hurt emotionally that it effects us mums dreadfully, that’s why the bds do it. Keep strong, You & your little ones are away from him now, in time & with the right help your little ones will thrive. You are very brave to have got away & You should be really proud of yourself. It is horrible to feel so weak, I know because I am in the same place too. X
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Hi I’m just sending huge hugs!
I just net a friend we talked about my situation financial/property etc I was advised to reach out to his daughter ask her to speak to him… Before I talk to the solicitor…Eeeek!Just sent her a text…Explaining how it needs resolved etc..Just plain re joint finances…Feel sick now.. so much for being positive!!
Still I feel brave as he’s totally ignoring it all.
So this is it…Crunch time…I doubt he will respond favouribly…At least I’m trying
I can’t afford solicitors he knows that…Cx
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