Post freedom Weirdness

[Pondlife]

Hi everyone
I feel terrible complaining about this, because really I should just feel lucky to be alive and free… But I am still struggling.

I was in a physically and emotionally abuse relationship for (detail removed by Moderator). A lot of it had to be hidden but my friends and family knew by the end of it that there was something very wrong. They were worried.

I have now managed to leave and it’s been long enough now that I am pretty sure I am out.

The first couple of weeks I felt a real sense of elation. I felt like I had been let out of prison, physically and mentally. I was almost drunk on the freedom and although it felt weird and I mourned the loss of the relationship, it was so refreshing not to have every single word and movement scrutinised, it felt actually beautiful.

I have since got over the elation, although I still think about how it was all the time, and compare the things I can do now that I just couldn’t do before. Go on social media. Wear shorts. Talk to male friends. Make a last minute plan to go for a drink. Put my phone away and talk to my daughter’s…

So I feel like I have made the right decision. But I feel… Weird. I feel like after the initial ‘hurray!’ everyone has just got used to the idea and is relieved that I am out of the relationship, but I am still haunted. I still think about what happened. How scared I felt. All my memories, literally almost everywhere I go in the city I live and work, the things I do, I associate with an a horrible degrading memory of life with an abuser. I recently used one of those little sample bottles of shampoo you get in holiday apartments, and remembered how day after day on this holiday he would shout at me for tiny things, cancel our plans and leave me on my own. I look at my laptop and remember him throwing it across the room because I wanted to finish (detail removed by Moderator) when he was in bed. I think of a course I am to do in a few months in (detail removed by Moderator), and remember last time we stayed there, how he had attacked me in the bathroom.

I went to stay with my parents last week, taking my two girls with me. When I used to visit them, to me it felt like I was preoccupied the whole trip by him trying to get on touch with me and then when it was tricky, due to poor reception in their area and the fact i would be busy with my girls, he would lash out and text nasty stuff. I really hoped my parents would notice a change in me. This time I wasn’t always worried about my phone. I wasn’t on the verge of tears all the time. I was able to be more fun and attentive to my daughters. But they didn’t even mention it. They didn’t acknowledge any change in my life whatsoever… I feel stupid now. Like a kid who wanted a pat on the head.

I am on a waiting list for counselling, special DA counselling. My assessment was about 6 weeks ago. I really hope they can sort me out. In the meantime it feels selfish but I feel kind of lonely. Not as in I miss him. I just feel that no one in my life can empathise with what I escaped. Everyone is happy for me and happy with me. But no one knows there is so much going on in my head. So many memories to shake off.

I wonder if any of you guys get it?

I feel guilty seeking support from you guys as I know a lot of you will be in a lot worse situations. I was super lucky not to have got pregnant with him or have those kind of ties.

[Suntree]

I get you.

Its almost as though we have changed so much on the inside and we are glowing with colour’s we want others to see it and tell us they see it.

But they can’t for we became experts at hiding the other emotions and abuse.

Everyone needs the acknowledgement from the ones we hold close to say we did the right thing and who well we are doing. We need it even more because it took so much for us to leave and we have been devalued for a long time we doubt ourselves very much.

it’s normal to feel as you do.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Pondlife,

I felt the same about the elation about the freedom initially, I felt so happy and grateful to be alive. What you’re suffering from sounds like classic PTSD, have you had an assessment for it? Flashbacks, memories, triggers etc. I can totally relate, everywhere I go in my city seems to remind me of him and brings back a flashback of something he did or said, it’s awful because you feel like you should be feeling better but PTSD keeps returning you to a past you really want to forget.

There is good treatment for it like EMDR so you could have a look for something in your area with the DV organisations or ask you GP about some sort of trauma processing therapy.

Well done for getting out and good luck on your healing journey.

[Relieved]

Hi Pondlife, I can relate to the weird feelings after an abusive relationship – I thought I would bounce back to the old me but it is taking it’s time. I did the Recovery Toolkit programme through my local domestic abuse service which has helped a lot but I think when you have spent years being conditioned to think or react in a certain way it takes a lot of undoing. I miss the drive I had to get things done but I think that was because of the consequences if I didn’t do stuff! I find it difficult to feel motivated but I still have that niggly feeling that I will get told off so I’m beating myself up about it! I have to keep reminding myself it doesn’t matter that the house is not spotless and to look after myself as a priority. I have suffered a lot of ill health due to the stress of the relationship so really do need to put myself first.

I get the thing about no one being able empathise with what you’ve escaped – I have that problem too. I have tried talking to friends(married) but they say things like “I wouldn’t put up with that!” or “Why didn’t you get out earlier?” which are not helpful. Do you have an Outreach worker? I met up with mine recently to unload which I found helpful. At the moment I can’t envisage having another relationship as I can’t help looking at all men as potential abusers! I’m hoping that will change though!

[Herindoors]

I hear you pondlife. I too was elated and then felt weird. It all takes time to process and change. I remember early on after I got out, rushing around town shopping, worrying about getting home quickly, had a feeling something was missing…and then I realised…what was missing was his texts demanding to know where I was! I spent many days operating like a robot at work only to get home and just lie on my bed tearful and a bit confused. Wasn’t even sure what I was tearful about, after all I was free from him. It was just my brain processing processing and it does calm down eventually and when it does its blissfull x

[Pondlife]

What an amazing relief to be understood… Thanks so much for replying.

I don’t have an outreach worker or anything yet, but I am hoping to be able to face up to my ongoing issues when I get counselling… They did it would be quite a waiting list so I am glad I am already on it. I had my initial assessment in (detail removed by Moderator). I was still with him then, but I did manage to get out quite a lot of what was happening and the assessor was really good and took me seriously. I might just give them a phone call and see how much longer it might be.

Having people around who understand is so good. I am hoping they refer me to group therapy too. I want to support others too.

Thanks again everyone.

[Serenity]

I know exactly what you mean, Pondlife.

When we initially get out, we are euphoric. We are outjngvthem and fighting their control in court, we are ecstatic doing the things they never ‘allowed’ us to do. We are in rebellion mode.

Then, as Cuppa has so succinctly phrased it in another post, the dust settles and we have time to reflect.

With this time and reflection comes painful memories, reality hitting us, flashbacks.

I agree with the above comments that PTSD is often a problem. I also think that it’s important that we don’t put a stop to support too early. In the early days, we might be getting outreach support, attending groups and counselling- then we can stop engaging with these things, mistakenly thinking that we are over it, but in fact I think there is often a need for long term and ongoing support. So make sure you’re not isolating yourself in your problems ( especially as not everyone you know will understand what you’ve been through), keep talking to those who can support you and get any form of support which you think might help.

I think the time when we are left with our own thoughts is a painful period, but I also think that if we use it to focus on our needs, it can be a fertile time when we grow in strength.

[Nova]

Hi Pondlife…as Serenity just said…I also posted about life after, what happens..It’s a hateful situation full of control & misery, being fearful is the worst isn’t it. Thinking about their next move etc..then when we escape all of that…and yes the dust settles..it’s extremely tough to switch off.

As I said we can’t just switch on the person we were before this happened, but she is in there..similar and different. More aware with some scars a bit uncertain…and VERY brave & empowered with a sensibility like no one understands! What I’m learning from the inside out, is don’t look to others for ‘a pat on the head’ about this..as when it doesn’t come it feels sad.
Most people wouldn’t get it, and it’s frustrating to soul search with nothing back…we are so used to being at someone else’s beck and call..we have to get rid of these ingrained mind sets (built up thro the time with ex..as our defence) bit by bit, build confidence to be yourself, who is a great woman!
Serenity posted a list of ways to address this confidence and planning have a look, stepping stones Pondlife 🙂

Im trying to not discuss this with anyone now (again I think they’ve heard enough Ive bared my soul..and they’re not doing anything anyway to help me!) outside being with you amazing ladies, counselling, people that understand.
To the outside world I want to distance myself from him it the whole lot of it with dignity, then I’m more likely to just be me.. & you will be you!

Cx

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