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Hi,
Feeling really low today. I have finally managed to separate from my abuser, however we are still living in the same house. He wants me to leave the property. We have children and he expects the 3 of us to leave the house. I have spoken to a lawyer and I have told him that we are not leaving and I’ve asked him to leave. He is refusing. The reason I’m feeling so low, is I have to deal with his harassment and shouting. Telling me to leave. We both own the property in equal share. I’ve told him that I’m not leaving and to stop talking to me. This is really effecting my mental health, however I can’t afford to just leave and also I’m thinking about what’s best for my children. Why can’t he just leave??? Has anyone been in this situation. Thank you in advance. I will call Women’s Aid this week too, as they’ve helped me a lot and are brilliant xx -
I had something like this too. I decided to separate but he wouldn’t leave me and the kids in the house so we stayed in the house until it was sold. I made a space for myself and me and the kids spent as much time avoiding him as possible. It wasn’t easy as he was shouting and aggressive 90% of the time but I just kept focused on the end goal of freedom. The hardest thing I have ever done and it was he’ll, I won’t lie. But so worth it to now be free
Obviously if you feel physically threatened then you need to get extra support.
You are on the path now – well done for getting this far x -
I didn’t own so can’t offer anything there, but we were joint tenants and he refused to move out. He became super nasty and those months were hard coupled with random days of niceness when he tested the water. These aren’t reasonable, rational people and he won’t freely give up control/supply so forget trying to have civil conversations about who will do what – even if he agrees he’ll probably back track the next day just to toy with you. Like Tiredofitall I found setting boundaries helped, I had a bedroom separate to him, kept a routine for me & the kids, separated out the chores & groceries (stopped doing his washing, cooking etc). I’d spend evenings learning about abuse, keeping a journal to help keep sane, researched things for the future like benefits, things I’d need for my home, dreamt of days out for the kids – glimmers of hope. Stay strong, he’s basically tantrum-img because you’re winning the war and it’s a tough place right now but you’re heading towards the light x
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Thank you for all your wise words. For some stupid reason I thought the abuse would stop after we separated. I thought that once I explained all the things he had done, he would realise and move out, for sake of me and kids.
I’m trying to put all the things in place you said. Living desperately in the same space, literally just cooking for me and kids and now in bedroom chilling with children. I just can’t afford to move out. If he forces a sale then I will have to leave the area and take my kids out of school. He has a lot of money and could afford to buy a flat for a few years and then we could sell later on. You are right, this is all about control.
He sent an harassing message at lunch time today and it took all my strength to get through to the end of the working day.
You are right, I need to plan little things to get me through the day and nice trips with kids.
I have meeting with my solicitor, I will ask about non molestation order. Sending hugs xx -
im so pleased the other ladies are supporting & encouraging you as this will help you see that no matter how bad it is right now, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. i, like you jointly owned the property & it took me 2 years of hell to get him out (then another 2 years + of hell to sort the property into my name only). they will try & control this situation for as long as possible. i always thought that if there had been abuse that you were able to get the perpetrator out anyway whilst you sorted things out? just something i might have read along the way so dont know if its true or applicable. my ex thought hed got me right where he wanted me, but i was lucky enough to contact an old mortgage advisor who actually found a way of me borrowing the money to buy him out & keep my home (i am agoraphobic with fibromyalgia, c-ptsd etc so am unable to work). i was absolutely amazed that i could do this as i was convinced i would have to leave my home, & being so very isolated without friends/being estranged from my family. and there was nobody more stunned than my ex when he knew i could buy him out – he was shocked. and angry/vengeful. but it brought an end to his control. i was also lucky to find a really good solicitor who continually wanted to set up non molestation orders etc even though i didnt have the strength/courage to do so at the time. so just letting you know that im thinking of you, hoping you continue finding support & strength to get through this – because you will get through this. big hug from me x
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I am sorry to butt in but I am about to be in a similar situation and I’m looking for advice and support. My ex lives in the house we jointly and equally own. The kids and I have been given a section 21 after moving (detail removed by Moderator) months ago for the (detail removed by Moderator) time. He takes mortgage holidays to (detail removed by Moderator) which has affected my credit. Last time I moved I paid arrears of thousands so I could improve my credit rating. I don’t have any money to do so this time. He says my (detail removed by Moderator) can move in but I can’t despite being the primary carer. I don’t know what else to do. We (kids and I) need stability which is why we bought the house. I’m planning on moving in when he goes on holiday with the kids. We are divorced because I proceeded with that first during lockdown. He was trying to force his way into the home I was renting. Any advice, either way is much appreciated. 🙏🏾
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I’m so sorry, you are going through this. What I’m coming to realise is this post separation /financial abuse is disgusting! How can he suggest your (detail removed by Moderator) moves in without you??? It’s like me, trying to be forced into a small accommodation while doing all the childcare, while he remains in a large property by himself.
The advice I’ve been given, and I think this applies to you too. If your name is on the deeds of the house he cannot stop you living there. It’s like me, I will be travelling to see family during the school holiday and I was worried he wouldn’t let me back into the house. My lawyer said, he cannot stop me coming back into the property. So you are well within your rights to live in your own place with the children.
Obviously think of your safety. If he shouts or gets aggressive please call the police. I’ve been told to do this also. My abuser is now in the phase of acting as though he’s the most reasonable person in the world. And we live in a society where women are forced to escape with their children while men remain with the property.
Take care and if you want to send me a message privately I’d be happy to chat. Xx
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This is so tough… i was also sharing house for almost 2 years dealing with silent treatments, increased verbal abuse and occasional physical, not helping with anything, him sleeping in my ensuite while I stayed with kids or sofa… He refused to sell or move for months, until I started to look for a room to rent and told him I’d leave. It’d be tough on kids but I couldn’t stay like that, and I knew I’d still come to see kids as much as I could – it was still my house.
He then got jealous I’d be out and he would keep kids, dog and all chores, so agreed for me to buy him out. Guess he started chatting to girls.l online and saw the difficulty if stayed in house. Still bullyed me into helping him buy loads of things, but now he is out!
Maybe some reverse psychology works for you too, though I was really ready to live in a shed if I had to, to be far from him. -
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Thank you for all your support. It really does make me feel better, knowing that other women have made it through to the other side. I can see how the financial abuse is taking its toll. He has access to money and he is trying to control everything. I am now forwarding all messages to solicitor. He told me that ‘I wanted this’. Meaning I pulled the plug, after more than a decade of abuse infidelities you name it, and I wanted this. I’m speaking to solicitor tomorrow and I think the plan is to write him a letter to start negotiations. Luckily she advised against mediation due to domestic abuse. Thanks again for all your support xx
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Yes I’ve been through this, options could be speak up your local council re housing options and speak to a Dv organisation to enquire about occupation order, your rights in this situation surrounding remaining in the home etc x
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Thank you! I’m getting legal advice! Apparently he can take me to court to try to force a sale but it’s unlikely that the court will agree to this due to me living in the property with children. I obviously don’t trust him and I’m wary if him trying to pull me through the court system. It’s surprising but not surprising how many solicitors give such bad advice and have no understanding of coercive control. Thank you for replying! 🙏
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So sad this is happening to you. It happened to me. It was unbearable.
I cannot believe that after all this time..I left a long time ago…the solicitors, the courts cannot see it. My ex forced me out with his behaviours. I tried but I left. With nothing really. He insisted he needed to get the house ready to sell and needed the furniture to stay to help it sell. I left and he moved in with a new partner 3 weeks later and the house was empty for 18 months. My solicitor at the time told me it was a good thing I had left as it would be harder for him to get custody when my child was settled with me. What rubbish!! And what pain I went through. So pleased you have Women’s Aid supporting you. Get decent legal advice and absolutely this is continued abuse and who on earth tries to disrupt their children further? Wishing you strength. -
My comment may not be helpful it may well be but I looked at it this way lots of people leave eventually because of divorce proceedings.can you buy him out?if no make a plan to leave and get a council house with your womens aid .also a fresh start can be good for children.do you need all those memories in that house with him.good luck .
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Thank you Mellow for your support. I am overwhelmed with all of the kind words on here. I am currently in the process of exploring all of my options. The abuse continues even when the relationship ends and this is why living under the same roof is so highly stressful. I’m trying to not be pushed by him to make certain decisions as his coercion is still very prevalent.
I’m trying to keep strong and focus on that little light I see up ahead xx -
I was in a very similar situation although there was never physical violence but psychological abuse that was bad enough I was afraid to go to sleep in case he tried to kill me or the children in our sleep. I found making the (removed by moderator) into my temporary bedroom helped enormously and also gently encouraged him to try online dating sites to meet someone new. He met someone who thankfully lived overseas so she wasn’t physically around but he seemed happier so a bit easier to live with, and was always in his room talking to her online to be bothering me too much. He did come into my room once to tell me (removed by moderator). I could only breathe a bit once he finally moved out and I got the locks changed.
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