Post separation abuse and the children

[iliketea]

Ex has just given a few days notice that he’s not having children in the holidays. I have a CAO but no money to get a solicitor involved. And even then, does anyone know if there is anything I can actually do about this? My children are distraught as they were really looking forward to seeing him. He’s been gradually getting worse and worse lately with this sort of stuff, its been 3 years this week that I ended it so its like he’s planned it on purpose.

What do I say to the kids? And is there anything realistic I can do? How do others deal with this sort of thing? Its going to completely f up my plans as I was going to be doing some temp work as Im completely broke, I am sure he’s done it on purpose for this reason. Its post separation abuse but noone seems to know what I can do about it. I do get post domestic abuse support but even she said there’s very little I can actually do. Its beyond me to understand that nothing can be done, the impact on me, and the kids is so big, seems crazy he can carry on with this disruption and abuse from a distance, and after so long.

Any advice on how I explain it to my children?

[tryingtosleep]

sorry iliketea – no advice
but it does sound like he is using the kids to get at you

does he speak to the children on the phone at all? – can you ask him to talk to them and explain to the children what is going on – he needs to take some responsibility – surely?!!

sorry – but he sounds like a total a**e

does he or you have any family that can help out over the holidays?
or are there any summer clubs you can sign them up for?

on another note – i’m starting to realise how quickly this time of my children being dependent on me is flying past – mine are growing up so fast – so i’m trying to enjoy it while i can –
he’s really the one who is missing out here

good luck x*x

[Lifebegins]

Hi iliketea,

I’ll pm you soon but put post on here in case it helps anyone else.

Nothing at all you can do about it. First time it happened to me I spent about £500 on legal fees/mediation (mediation waste of time ladies, don’t do it!) to be told there’s no way I can enforce it and I either just put up with it or dump my child on him on the due date, which I couldn’t inflict on my child and he knew I wouldn’t do. I told my child he had to work and that I was happy about it as we got more holiday together so they accepted that without complaint but who knows how they felt?!

Second time it happened I was prepared with plan b, so I just said “no worries!” “And great that I get to spend extra time with my child”. Wasn’t the response my ex was expecting! Told my child the same again. And I also said he wouldn’t be able to see them again until the next visitation date as I had plans for my dates (which I did) and couldn’t be changed. He had the cheek to get upset at that as expected me to change my planned dates to suit him. Their sense of entitlement has no bounds!

Third time my child was pretty upset to be dropped yet again and they were getting older and beginning to see his behaviour for themselves (there were other things in play at that time too) so they were pretty happy not to have to go. These men reveal themselves to their kids eventually. Disney Dad becomes Disappointing Dad. I’m not happy about this because I’d much prefer that my child has a decent dad but it’s the reality of it.

Of course, this is all about making things difficult for you and maybe them doing something with their time off instead of having the kids. It’s really rubbish that your temp work is impacted but if he was aware of it, that was the intention. Don’t let him know anything.

What’s so frustrating is that should you deny contact, all and sundry would be on your back about it. He, however, can do as he pleases including mess you about re: maintenance and no one gives a hoot. That’s the reality too.

As you know we’re out about the same time and I’m still having a load of c**p to deal with just as you are. What saddos that they just can’t move on. I have nothing but disdain for him. I’m embarrassed that I was ever with him! And for so long!

I know your kids are still a bit young so I’d say whatever it takes to soften the blow for them this time round. Of course you also now have the added financial burden so get straight onto to CMS to amend number of days/nights he has them to see if that makes any difference. If my ex is anything to go by, there won’t be any additional money to cover the change of plans.

Take care hun. Sending you a big virtual hug 🤗 I’ll pm you when I have another free minute xx

[Twisted Sister]

Hi LifeBegins

Sorry for this, for you and your children, its a real jolt, and upsetting for you all. He is showing the children and you and the world, who he is. You can just state simply that he’s changed his mind/made other plans and support them in their upset/disappointment. It doesn’t alter the fact that you now have to make emergency arrangements for them though and potentially cause detrimental impact on your own work life juggling.

I am pretty sure they will tell you that noone can tell him what to do!!! A joke isn’t it, but there is it. The order is more in place, I would say, to ensure that he has them when he wants them so you can’t withhold them from him, its to protect his entitlements, not yours, or the childrens even, if it was child-centred it wouldn’t be this way and you would have some claim, but you can write to court and document that he’s broken the order, causing distress to children and child arrangements/work problems for you? This wouldn’t cost you anything and will possibly mean the file/case is updated?

He is the only loser here, despite the stress this will cause you, but thats his purpose in life isn’t it, he’s just letting you know in yet another way, what you already knew!

I hope you can find some alternative arrangements quickly and squeeze in some bonus treats for them whilst you have the extra time with them.

warmest wishes

ts

[Breadandroses]

Hi
I had this continously for years. I taught my daughter as she got older to say…that s nice but no expectations…whenever he had a plan to have contact when we moved away. It got to the point where she would say…what shall we do when he cancels? … I used to take comfort from the fact she was seeing him for what he was. What else can you do.
Obviously the frustration and abuse is that you cannot plan and your life is on hold whilst you wait to see if it will happen.
You then have to deal with your children’s distress and cancelling your plans and being made to look unreliable etc etc
What can you say to your children…I don’t know how old they are and where you are in this. I used to make excuses for him at the beginning in the hope it would make her feel better. Then I decided I just had to tell her the truth. Sorry but we can t rely on your father to keep his promises. It is not my fault and I can’t change it…but can tell me how angry you are…I am angry and sad for you.
They don’t change and they don’t care about court orders…they are a waste of paper and money if you cannot get them enforced.
Can you ask him for lost earnings? Maybe?
My childminder used to wait to see if he picked my daughter up after school when he should and text me if he didn’t but take her home. He started to text her and say can you pick herbup.She refused to charge me but what i didn’t know was she kept charging him as it was his time with her. He ignored it so she kept the records and out of the blue she told me after 2 years she was going to small claims wow and bless her she was trying to fight for me of course I begged her not to…but it stopped it when she told him. Sometimes and I could never quite believe it when it happened just doing that going OK then that’s fine but here s what you now owe me works.

[iliketea]

Thank you for the amazing advice, as usual, you are all amazing, and are just so supportive, kind, incredible, lovely, and most of all, always here. Thank you. Knackered, another very tough day, more communcation from him, a ramping up, its weird how they dont just go away when you end it. I would, if someone ended it with me. You’d surely get the message. Why do they enjoy it so much. Sick isn’t it? Psychotic really, whatever the reason, the n********m and all that, on another level they’re all just b****y bonkers. Seriously, go get a life you bunch of low lifes, and leave us women alone.
Thanks everyone, really helped me. xx

[Author]

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