Post separation abuse – return of the monster? He hurt my dog :(

[Suspicious1]

My ex-husband is suffering stress at work, worried he is soon to lose his job. The other day he texted me about contact with the children, and during the conversation told me he was expecting to lose his job. Then he started picking on how pathetic my partner’s job is and how I might have a nice home but really it’s a prison, but even so it’s better than having nothing which is what he has. I can’t be bothered to even be angry about this – he’s clearly jealous and bitter and it’s his own fault if he has nothing – I paid him a huge amount of money as part of the financial settlement, enough for him to put a deposit on a house, but he hasn’t done it and instead has been going on holidays, spending on his hobbies etc. In the past he said that was all my fault as he needed to treat himself in order to make himself feel better because of how I’d ruined his life.

Anyway last night he came round to drop the kids off after his contact weekend. I have a new puppy, and although he greeted and started playing with the puppy nicely, he soon became too rough, squeezing the puppy’s paws and dragging him around by his front legs trying to tip him over. The dog started screaming in pain and still he wouldn’t stop. I ended up grabbing hold of my ex to try to pull him off the dog, shouting “stop it, stop it, don’t hurt my dog”. My partner eventually came to take the dog away, and my ex left. After that my daughter was crying, saying she felt sick (so did I!), and my son was saying “he didn’t mean it, he didn’t mean it”. It was very upsetting.

If this is what he’s like because he’s worried he might lose his job and is jealous, I’m worried about what will happen if he does actually lose his job. I know he’ll blame me (he’ll say his career suffered since our divorce because of the emotional turmoil I caused) and he’ll want to act out. When I lived in my old house, the boyfriend I had after my separation had his car attacked several times, and my current partner had his car attacked there too. Since we moved to our current house, the attacks have stopped, but we live in a gated, more secure location. I’m worried about what will happen when he’s jobless and feels he has nothing left to lose 🙁

On a practical side, do I need to log this last incident with the police? It’s pointless the police approaching him as he’ll say he didn’t mean to hurt the dog and it was all an accident, but as part of his past behaviour it’s worrying to me.

Any thoughts welcome x

[godschild]

Hi, Can he not pick up and drop the children somewhere else other than your home, this would stop this behaviour towards your dog. It not just the dog that he has hurt , he has hurt you a and your children you should not have to pot up with this when you have left him.

[deepblueeyes]

Hi suspicious. Seems like he is very bitter about how you seem to have got on with his life and his is not going well. Make him wait outside when he collects the children or drops off. Make a stand and show that’s its not acceptable behaviour.

[KIP.]

Absolutely report this to the police. They may not even question him but you have had it noted and I’m sure things will escalate. Start no contact. Trust your gut. You do not have to put up with this behaviour. I’m trying to keep my ex away. Have just got a restraining order but it worries me in future that he will try to come back. I’m starting as I mean to go on. Absolutely no contact. You need to protect yourself and your new relationship. Set your boundaries now. A contact book can go with the children. It’s hard work keeping these men away but why should you have to suffer him anymore. Trying to guilt trip you. I’m going to have to buy my ex out of our house and I’m positive he will just squander the money too. He’s already ran out and he stole a huge amount from me. Liars and abusers. You don’t need them in your life x

[KIP.]

My ex hurt my dog too. Kicked punched and threw it. I was hysterical. He showed no remorse. Sick men who can injure an innocent animal just to hurt us. Don’t underestimate what else he would do. Keep him away x

[Suspicious1]

Thank you all. I was well on my way to forgetting all those old feelings he generated when he was abusive, but now there they are again.

Interestingly I see my partner now trying to process it the way I used to. The “well he must have been just being clumsy, he can’t have meant to do that” excuses. Just like I did when he elbowed me round the head, or pushed me, or assaulted me. These days I just give a wry smile. I remember him assaulting me, how I was saying “no” over and over again, and afterwards thinking “how many times do you have to say no before you can be sure it wasn’t just a misunderstanding?”. This time it was the dog – how long does a dog have to howl for before you can be sure he wasn’t just being clumsy?

The truth is the same for both – he understood that howl as soon as it happened just as he understood the word “no”, and he ought to have stopped immediately. He had the ability to stop immediately. He chose not to.

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