Post-separation abuse

[Hopingforpeace]

I feel like my ex is harassing me, trying to intimidate me and intrude on my life. It feels like he is using our child as a weapon of abuse and has no concern for our child’s feelings. I’m so exhausted by it. He even had me doubting myself again yesterday. He’s covert so it’s hard unless someone really understands abuse. whenever I’ve tried to get help before he’s turned it all back on me and he’s played the victim. Recently he had me doubting myself again as he says things then next time denies it. Not so long ago he threatened to take me to court and accuse me of parental alienation if I didn’t do what he said in regards to child contact and recently he said one thing and I asked him why he had done that and that I was concerned by his actions and then he denied he had done it and threw accusations at me. He says inappropriate things to our child and I have brought them up with him and he questions me about it, accuses me of lying or says it was a joke. All the time accusing me of trying to disrupt his contact. All I’ve ever done is try to ensure contact is in the best interests of our child. I’ve tried to help him but still he keeps on blaming me and now he’s saying I’m not doing right by our child and accusing me of not letting her have rights.

[Qrst1234]

Hi, I hope someone comes along shortly with some advice. All I can say is I’m going through the same thing. Ex is always playing the victim, even with the kids. Mine are young but my oldest does see through his behaviour most of the time.

It’s so hard to know what’s best for the children, I’ve always struggled between protecting them but also wanting them to have a relationship with their father, even if he isn’t a great influence. And because they are so covert and good at hiding things, you struggle to pin point an exact event that might make you change your opionion on the importance of the relationship. Sorry I’ve nothing to add to your situation but please know you are not alone. They obviously follow a very similar behaviour pattern. I remember when I first began to open up about my marriage and the shock and disbelief of friends and family and this definitely made me dull the information I was giving them and reduced the severity but I remember the day I first went to counselling and the counsellor understood perfectly, as did the helpline i use for support when it comes to the kids and my abusive ex. Unless people really understand abuse and coercive control, you can feel very isolated. I hear you and I see you. Big Hugs to you x

[KIP.]

Do you have a third party that would act as a buffer. Any contact with these men allows the abuse to continue. Messaging a third party he can’t then lie or deny. Any direct contact he has with you will be twisted and he will definitely use your child to manipulate you in any way possible. Just because he can and it makes him feel good. Keep that journal of his behaviour and his threats. Remember he knows you well and knows what will upset and trigger you. Zero contact means you can plan your life without his interference. His main goal is to cause pain and distress to you and that won’t ever change so cut him out the loop. He’s a liar. Don’t believe a word he says x

[ISOPeace]

I agree that using a 3rd party would shield you.

Re the parental alienation, a solicitor told me that if I could show that I’m trying to arrange contact for the dad then he wouldn’t have any grounds. Try to keep texts/emails etc where you’re trying to arrange contact (even send a message to inform what’s been said so you have evidence). If using a third party, they can send the message on your behalf.

It may be worth getting some legal advice. If you know the law it’s harder for him to threaten you with lies. There are various places you can get advice for free: citizen’s advice, rights of women, child law advice.

It must be so frustrating that he does it in an underhand way. It shows he knows exactly what he’s doing. If you can have no contact you’ll be protected and he can carry on living with whatever misery makes him abusive but it won’t be your problem any more.

Sending love xxxx

[Hopingforpeace]

I don’t have anyone who could act as a third party. I just feel trapped by him. I’ve been dealing with him for years just I feel it’s been worse recently and I’ve had enough but it’s so hard to prove anything.

[KIP.]

Start communication by email where you have proof and a paper trail. Don’t give him your phone number and only check his emails as little as you need to. Set up a separate email account so you can shut it off when he doesn’t need contact. You can also specify that you will only answer emails directly related to the children x

[Hopingforpeace]

Yes this is on email and I only usually check check when I feel I need to but then he sends text asking why I’m not replying but I only check the phone when I feel I need to so then he text a family member expressing concern as I’ve not replied. Then I get email questioning why I didn’t reply and surely I’m not that busy.

[KIP.]

Ignore him. If there’s a contact agreement then you shouldn’t have to have anything to do with him in between contact. Change your number and only look at his email once a week and tell him that. If he involves a family member then tell them the same thing. That he harasses you and you don’t want any messages passed on unless there’s an emergency with the children. Set firm boundaries and stick to them.

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