Posture

[Peaceful Pig]

I recently noticed someone walking along the street hunched over and recognised my old self. For years I walked around looking at the ground, feeling worthless and unable to make eye contact. I have worked hard at improving this over the years, both my posture and my confidence, which led to me succeeding at my job and finally getting away from my husband. I still have to be conscious of my body language however as I can revert back if I’m not careful. I love that I can now walk around and interect with confidence. I chat easily to people wherever I go. It’s lovely, like I’ve joined the human race and actually exist.
However a friend, who recently hovered in the background during handover of the children for safety, commented on my body language when I was near him. She said I looked terrified and like a victim. She said it sensitively, with concern that he will continue more because of my reaction, but I’m gutted that my fear is so obvious. I also feel guilty that my children are still witnessing my reaction. I honestly thought I was doing better than that. Maybe it’s my fault that continue to be so anxious and clingy, because they have seen me still scared. I don’t know how to change it. I’ve tried so hard, I’ve been having counselling for the best part of (detail removed by moderator)years. I wish I could be different, but I’m an honest, gentle, ‘wear my heart on my sleeve’ kind of person and I don’t know if I can change that. I need to get a grip.

[Suntree]

Be gentle on yourself. Don’t try to change to be something your not. You know how that worked for you in the past.
It’s okay to be frightened and its okay to tell the kids why you are frightened in a way they will understand.
It is okay for them to see how BRAVE you are when you do something that scares you.

I didn’t realise that mine hadn’t put two and two together. I could do handover without looking him in the eye at all. They noticed but thought that was just how it was.

I was talking about something different the other day and said even adults get scared at times and we have to be brave too.
It was a step back and are you kidding me Mum moment for them. Adults get scared, no they don’t.

Maybe because your friend sees it doesn’t mean other people or your children do x

[Serenity]

I would find it hard and fake to pretend I was confident around him. I’m no good at pretending.

What I do find easier is to act emotionless, blank. If I see him, I make a point of looking expressionless.

I started doing this when my DV worker told me to be the swan- paddling under the water, but dignified on the outside.

I try hard to maintain this because I don’t want to give him any clues and to encourage him.

However, don’t be hard on yourself. You’ve had to put up with him being at much closer quarters than I have with my ex, and more regularly. I think you’ve done amazingly!

[Serenity]

I would find it hard and fake to pretend I was confident around him. I’m no good at pretending.

What I do find easier is to act emotionless, blank. If I see him, I make a point of looking expressionless. I am feeling all those churning feelings, but Itry my utmost not to let them show.

I started doing this when my DV worker told me to be the swan- paddling under the water, but dignified on the outside.

I try hard to maintain this because I don’t want to give him any clues and to encourage him.

However, don’t be hard on yourself. You’ve had to put up with him being at much closer quarters than I have with my ex, and more regularly. I think you’ve done amazingly!

[Positiveandlookingahead]

You know what I do ladies? I purposely walk tall, stick my boobs out have a straight because I am proud of leaving an abuser!!! Why should I do any less? I’ve done nothing wrong and you know what its so empowering. If I want to crumble I do it in doors not in front of anyone I will not let this man see my weakness but when I need to let go I do. It is not easy being strong to the world it feels like repeat victimisation but I tell you the feeling inside is well worth it!!! He knows I couldn’t give two s***s and that is the message im sending out loud and clear. I also talk to myself in the mirror I look myself in the eye and say well done you are absolutely amazing you’re beautiful and an inspiration you have done this all yourself!!!!! C’mon ladies lets give us the credit we deserve. I am proud of every single one of us on this forum whether we have, are thinking or have left we are so so so brave and so strong we are beautiful, kind, caring and loving souls. We are everything they will never be and they are what they will always be…#nothingspecial do not flatter your selves!!!!

[Peaceful Pig]

Thank you all. Perhaps it is expecting too much too soon especially given his recent behaviour and proximity but he might never stop unless I can put on a convincing act of not caring. It’s a tricky balance between being authentic and ‘fake it till you make it’. I think on the occasion my friend mentioned my fear was increased by the change in handover arrangements. I hadn’t quite sussed out how to manage it yet. I’ve been doing more yoga again lately which is comforting and makes we walk taller. I will continue my slow transformation and I’ll take the time to get my head in the right space for next time xx

[Confused123]

Hey hUn

It will come in your own time, its cause he knows all your weak points and can read u well , but with time u will learn to fake it infront of him too, i just act how i want eventhough it takes all my strength to not show to it ex, i wAit for him to be away b4 i have my real reaction

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