Practical Help?

[Strengthinlove]

Hi everyone

I posted a couple of weeks ago as I finally felt I had the emotional strength to leave without being overwhelmed but I panicked as the practicalities would make life a lot harder re travelling etc.

I’m currently in a really bad way financially as I lost a job I had due to the stress of this relationship and being an emotional mess and not being reliable and I’m actually more or less financially dependent on him … I don’t even know the first steps as the city I live in it’s impossible to find decent cheap accommodation or anywhere which might take DSs which I guess I’ll have to claim until I’m on my feet.

I’m just exhausted by this and feel pathetic, everytime I have chance to phone any nr they are always engaged and apparently women aid support workers aren’t available in my city?

Could anyone who has been through this offer me any help where to start as I desperately want to leave now, I’m clearer headed than I’ve ever been and just want to get away before the trauma bonding starts again. I just don’t have a penny to my name and nowhere to go.

much love to all going through the same x*x

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Strengthinlove, I am sorry you are going through this. I emailed my local CAB, I outlined the abuse (I gave an example of the first incident, the worst incident and the last… DA not DV. Also, I entrusted a female GP whom was helpful (first GP wasn’t).
Do you have any support, family or friends?
❤️ HFH

[Hereforhelp]

Also, read up on DA/DV… podcasts, books (have any been recommended?). Living with the Dominater by Pat Craven, Why Does he Do this? Lundy Bancroft. Google Cycles of abuse, FOG Fear, Obligation, Guilt is a strong trauma bond xx

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Strengthinlove

Deeply saddened to hear you have lost your job and how much emotional distress you are experiencing.

Have you spoken to anyone about going into Refuge? Have you considered it?

Also, have you considered getting an occupation order so that he is forced to leave the family home because of DA? You could also combine that with a non-molestation order preventing him from returning to within a reasonable distance of it/you?

I am surprised that there is no womens aid, or other abuse service in your area, I thought that all areas now had to provide some form of abuse service to survivors, a helpline, and support workers? Have you looked at neighbouring areas that may be able to help? How about other organisations like churches? They often have family support workers and charitable works going on that will support women.

Also, contacting the womens aid online chatline? They would be able to search yours and neighbouring areas for you, but there is a place on here that you can do your own search, if you look under Women’s Aid Main Site.

Do keep posting and asking for anything you need. Practical help is becoming harder and harder to connect with and there are too few available for the numbers of women coming forward needing help. The same is happening for reporting of sexual assault on women to the police, which is good that more women are speaking out, but we don’t have enough supporters to go around. Keep looking, keep phoning, and keep talking with us here so we can offer all the support we can too.

warmest wishes

ts

[Strengthinlove]

Thankyou for both your replies HTH and TS

an occupation order is out of the question – it’s his flat and he hasn’t even allowed me to put my name on the electoral register or council tax – and I don’t want to be here any longer. I would move if I could.

Unfortunately when I had an income and more chance of getting my own place 6 months ago I didn’t have the emotional strength but now I KNOW I have to leave I just don’t know practically how without becoming homeless

I have no close friends or family nearby and have only lived in this city for * years.

I have phoned a few local DA places but they are always engaged and I was informed by WA they they don’t have WA support in the city where I’m based.

I’m trying to get hold of CAB now to see if they can help me with the next steps – I don’t want to be in a homeless shelter. Im just so stressed that finally I’m convinced 100% that I have to leave and I d**g know how …

All practical advice is much welcome and I’ll give myself headspace for the reading afterwards (I’ve been reading a lot online the past 8 months after I finally admitted to myself that this was abuse) he ticks nearly every box for the controlling psychological abusive and controls me with his temper tantrums so I definitely want to leave.

I just appreciate being able to write here but am scared that if I declare myself homeless I’ll just join a long government waiting list

x*x

[Camel]

Your local council must find you emergency housing if you are made homeless by leaving an abusive relationship. You will be treated as a priority. You won’t be on a waiting list. You should be able to contact them directly and urgently. Be prepared to move quickly, with all your documents and essential items close to hand. Don’t tell your partner what you’re planning or where you’re going.

[Escapee]

Hi
I was unable to get help from WA ….they were overwhelmed and I had no young children so I was not a priority. However, my GP was amazing, as was the unemployment office.
Do you have to stay in the city? Could you go to family or friends temporarily so you can start to heal and rebuild? Being with those that love and care about you would be invaluable, especially when you first leave. I didn’t have this and in hindsight it would have helped enormously.
Wishing you so much strength x

[Strengthinlove]

Hi Camel and Escapee

Thanks for these tips 🙂
I was feeling really desperate this time last week I tried to get through to CAB with no joy, I finally got through to (detail removed by Moderator) and it was really upsetting actually.

The person I spoke with was totally unsympathetic- it felt like I had to convince her I was being emotionally abused as she made me explain everything and surely they are trained to have empathy and support? She then matter of factly spoke to me like I was a 5 yr old and explained that if I didn’t go in a refuge I would join a government waiting list and wouldn’t have anywhere to live and it was my choice

There’s a few practical reasons I don’t want to go in a refuge – I am now extremely depressed and suffer from anxiety and hyper vigilance due to my situation .. I am scared of raised voices even … I don’t know how I’d feel living with others
I have a pet that I can’t leave with him or anyone …
I have nowhere to really store my belongings …

I wondered again about hearing that people get a support worker as everytime I’ve spoken on the phone they haven’t offered me anything – I’m now extremely depressed as I can’t face another winter with him – I have no money for food right now and he won’t let me have the heating on (he’s working suddenly all the time) so I’m sat in a freezing house getting more desperate- I ended my job and college course as I couldn’t focus properly- I’m normally a very motivated person and I’m now having to keep up that appearance whilst having no-one to talk to about it – he’s now being nice to me (which means just not being mean and me having to be like a quiet mouse and adjust after him and go on dates to make it look like we’re a happy couple) I’m so scared as know this will change soon – I spend half my days being depressed when I should be job hunting and I hate him as I just feel so trapped!!

Everytime I reach out to any services they can’t help me

(Sorry this should have gone into having a bad day maybe)

It’s killing me as now I want to leave him I financially can’t ….

Any help much appreciated as I feel like I’m going mad and I’m not even allowed to call him a c***** n********t which I’m convinced he is …. as he shows no remorse and acts like the innocent party all the time

Any advice appreciated, I just feel thankful for being able to talk here
X💗

[Camel]

No one can force you to go into a refuge. Whoever you spoke to isn’t up to date with legislation. Read advice on Shelter website. Put priority housing domestic abuse in search and you’ll find lots of information. You could really do with an advocate, someone who can speak on your behalf to the right people. Open up to your GP or go to your CAB office and ask if they have someone trained who can help.

You might need to think about getting your pet fostered. Google what free services may be available locally. I know there are services for cats if you are fleeing domestic abuse.

[Teresa]

Hi, Strenghinlove

Reading your post is like reading my life story right now.
I’m looking for practical help getting a place to stay, room, flat I don’t mind. Just like you have a pet and no children, no savings.

Whenever I find a strength to call a number it no one answers, whenever I got call back my partner is home and I can’t answer. When I manage to talk to someone, they give me more numbers and websites.
I can’t go to offices as I need to inform my partner about any time I’m leaving house.
It’s like running in a circle, and I’m exhausted.
GP gave me antidepressants.
Local council put me on a waiting list for a flat.
Or refugee, which I don’t want to go.

I don’t know what to do next.
There’s no practical help available out there.

Take care x

[Author]

Posts