Pregnancy fear after abusive relationship

[Tiredone]

I am terrified about getting pregnant after being in an abusive relationship. I fell pregnant during that relationship and thankfully didn’t have it, I know I would be stuck with him if I did. The pregnancy was traumatic and since then I been utterly terrified of getting pregnant.

I’m in a (healthy) relationship with a wonderful man and he’s keen to have kids ASAP but I’m not ready. I haven’t dealt with the guilt of getting pregnant and then having an abortion or the trauma of being pregnant in that dangerous situation. I never thought I would have an abortion (I’m totally pro choice but didn’t think I would have to make that choice). I thought my first pregnancy would be positive and that the father would be like the man I’m with now, not the violent thug I was with.

I always wanted kids before my abusive ex and now I’m not sure if I do. I worry so much about not having control over my body or my life if I have kids and I’ve just gotten control back. I worry that they’ll die or il get postnatal depression or they’ll be abusive like my ex…. The list of worried is endless!!!!

Do any of you worry about this or am I worrying about nothing?

[KIP.]

Hey, what you’re saying is completely understandable and our opinions on children change at different stages of our lives. These fears need to be addressed either way as they’re obviously affecting you negatively. Have you had any counselling? I’d definitely resolve your anxiety properly before moving to the next stage. You want to be one hundred percent certain and in the frame of mind where a child is wanted and the pregnancy process is an enjoyable period. There’s absolutely no pint in him wanting a children ASAP when you’re simply not in a position to cope or enjoy this. Children change the dimensions of relationships and can bring lots of challenges. But it can also be a wonderful fulfilling experience. Speak to a good counsellor experienced in domestic abuse. I know it’s not exactly the same but because my ex terribly abused my dog, I was terrified to get another one, even two years after my ex was removed from the home I still thought he’d come back and kill it. So trauma stays with us for a very long time. It takes time and help to heal. Be open and honest with your partner and perhaps you could do joint counselling. If he’s a good one, he won’t pressure you x

[Tiffany]

I am experiencing similar stuff. I think it is pretty normal. In my case I came off my contraception because it was making me ill when I was with my abuser. We’d been planning our wedding, and kids fairly soon after that. But because his very traditional family I didn’t want to get pregnant before the wedding. He said he would use condoms, but obviously then wouldn’t, or removed them part way through. And overruled me when I tried to object. I don’t know if I would have ended up pregnant. I ended up taking the morning after pill.

I left, and was single for quite a while, so could just stay off contraception, but when I met a new man, even though he is absolutely lovely, and looks after me better than you could imagine, and I know that he would support me to the absolute best of his ability if I got pregnant, regardless of whether we ended up staying together AND he took full responsibility for contraception and using condoms, I was still terrified of getting pregnant. So I am back on contraception, despite side effects that make me ill.

I actually think I would like to marry this man. And have kids with him. But the abuse really ramped up for me when I got engaged, so it’s going to be hard to be ready for that. And I still want kids, which puts some time pressure on things. I think KIP’s suggestion of therapy is probably a good one. And I think she is right, kids is not a decision you want to rush into if you don’t feel ready.

[Tiredone]

I had trauma therapy at the beginning of the year and we talked about the pregnancy briefly but it was mainly focused on the violence and rape so I don’t feel like I fully dealt with being pregnant.

I also suffered a lot on contraception (tried pretty much all of them). My ex made me keep in the coil even though I had crippling period pain (couldn’t walk for a week each month)and 20 day periods. I have taken the morning after pill many times, way more than I’ve needed to, because I’m so scared of getting pregnant.

It took so long to get the trauma therapy so I imagine I won’t get to speak to someone before next year. Don’t know what to do in the meantime

[Tiffany]

I think a bit of space away from the pressure of making a decision would probably help. Can you talk to your partner, tell him the decision about kids is freaking you out, and that you need a break from discussing it with him for a few months? Set a date – maybe in the new year – to restart the discussion. That gives you a bit of time to look into therapy, and find out what the waiting times are. You could maybe talk to women’s aid or rape crisis too, and see if they can help point you in the direction of good resources in your area.

A lot of times just taking the pressure off a decision has really helped me in my current relationship. And stepping back whenever I feel overwhelmed. Sex was obviously a big deal at first for me. So we didn’t rush it. Tried it once I felt ready, a couple of times, and then it stressed me out and made me anxious. So we took a step back, and said no sex for the next month (fortnight? I actually can’t remember exactly how long). And then stuck to it. Both of us. Sometimes he would reign me in, sometimes I would pull him up – never got that near sex, but both of us were committed to to waiting. Meant I felt much safer that I wouldn’t be pushed into anything I didn’t want to do when we did have sex, and things moved much more smoothly after that.

I think a lot of time feeling under pressure can be really triggering for us, so finding ways to take the pressure off, and make decisions when we no longer feel so triggered makes a lot of difference.

[Author]

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