Pregnant and confused

[Fallingleaves]

I’ve just done a positive pregnancy test (unplanned)
I have a new partner who is lovely and supportive and I know he would like children of his own. (We’ve been together for nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years!)
I have (detail removed by Moderator) with my ex who has been abusive and threatening (about me moving on amongst other things) since we separated.
Because of his volatility I have kept my new partner out of my children’s lives, they’ve met him in passing as a friend but don’t know he’s my boyfriend.
My instant reaction to the pregnancy is it can’t happen, mostly because of the effect it might have on the children and the reaction of my ex partner. Am I being sensible or am I letting my ex continue to control my decisions? It’s really hard to work out!
In an ideal world I would have a child with this wonderful man, but this isn’t an ideal world and I feel like it will just be too much for me to deal with at the moment. Maybe if my children knew about him already and things were more settled then I would go for it but it feels like too much.
I also feel like my reaction is clouded as I feel a sense of shame, fear etc about being pregnant because of my past experiences 🙁
I haven’t spoken to my new partner yet as he’s away for a few days and part of me doesn’t want to tell him incase he really wants to do it and is disappointed by the decision I feel like I’ve already made. I will speak to him when he’s back as we have an open and honest relationship but I’m also scared about what it might mean for our relationship if he feels I’m not invested in our future together.
Just wanted to vent to people who might understand the complexity of the situation and have some advice.
I also just feel stupid for being in this position but I know I need to be more compassionate to myself

[Nomorepain]

Hi, I just wanted to reach out and offer support. You have so many different emotions going through your head. Please take your time and do not rush into making any decisions. I have had unplanned pregnancies and continued the pregnancies. I have also had terminations and miscarriages. I know the full range of experiences. I’ve terminated a pregnancy due to pressure from ex partner and I have also had a termination because I felt it was right for me and the children that I already had. So I completely understand. You will know what to do. I know it’s hard but try not to let your ex be a deciding factor in your decision making. You say that you’re worried about your children’s reaction, but children are amazing and resilient and they might be excited at the prospect! Your new partner may also be over the moon.
Whatever you decide, I know that it will be right for your family. Take care and keep posting xx

[Fallingleaves]

Thanks so much for your supportive reply nomorepain.
I’ve continued to feel so overwhelmed and like I definitely can’t cope with the idea of continuing with the pregnancy. The past couple of days I haven’t been able to focus on anything and have been managing panic attacks and waves of anxiety. I had a conversation with my partner tonight and tried to be as honest as I could, which was hard as as suspected he was much more in to the idea than I was 🙁
It’s really hard having those people pleasing tendency as I felt like I was trapped when I spoke to him and heard what he wanted, even though he wouldn’t pressure me into it, I immediately felt under pressure and scared to be honest, and like I owe him something. I’m so aware that these feelings are in relation to my ex and might make me hypersensitive, I just now realise that there is absolutely no way I can let myself be swayed from what is right for me and my children, it might work out fine but it would be a big gamble for my mental health right now and I have to look after myself and put my children first. After all, that is the running theme of life these days since I left my ex! It’s definitely a hard thing to do and I’m doubting myself even as I’m typing this. I do feel sad for him as he would be a great dad, but maybe in the future once things are more settled, I don’t know.
We have to make so many tough decisions as women don’t we :/

[Nomorepain]

Thank you for posting again. I’ve been thinking a lot about you and wishing you well. Well done for speaking to your partner and you’re lucky that you have met someone supportive of your decision.
It’s like you say, as mothers all our decisions have been to try and protect the children we have, even when we’ve remained in abusive relationships. We have often done so to try and keep our children close to their father and not wanting to hurt them. Even though looking back, I see how misguided this was.
I still feel sad about the termination I had and the next day while I was still recovering my ex disappeared for 2 days. I had to drag myself out of bed to tend to kids and take to school etc. reliving these experiences makes me realise how much strength I had to get through this level of mistreatment, all the time making excuses for him and minimising. And you are absolutely right, we all the time have to make tough decisions and our strength is tested! But whenever things feel tough, remember how far you’ve come and how capable and strong you are. If you ever feel sad. Please feel free to message me privately xx

[Fallingleaves]

Thank you again nomorepain.
I’ve spoken to my new partner again and he is being supportive even though I know he would like to continue with the pregnancy.
Even knowing that I feel completely and utterly panicked still, just about the situation as a whole. I feel like a terrible person who’s about to do a terrible thing for selfish reasons 🙁
I keep trying to tell myself it’s my body and my decision but I just feel an overwhelming sense of shame and horribleness, I am prone to anxiety and my anxiety levels are pretty unmanageable. I feel like I just need everyone to tell me it’s going to be ok but I can’t believe it.
I even feel like I’m being manipulative to my current partner by telling him I can’t deal with it right now, like I’ve created this situation and now I’m trying to escape it and i’m doing something terrible. Maybe this is related to how I used to feel with my ex as I often hid things from him out of fear of his reaction.
I now know that my new partner would like to have children so I feel really heavy weight of responsibility 🙁 also I think a big part of it is i’m later in the fertile bit of my life so this might be the last chance to consider more children (I know women have children over 40 now though) but I know that I absolutely can’t face it, my mental health feels so unstable right now (I lost my mum earlier this year and I’m also grieving and generally trying to hold my s**t together!)
Over all I just feel absolutely unable to concentrate on any other than this sense of awful dread every way that I turn :/ it’s reminding me of how I used to feel when I lived in survival mode all the time.
I also feel like I’m hiding big secrets from people although I know it’s no one else’s business but mine and my partners.
I guess bottom line I feel like there’s something massively wrong with me and guilty that I can’t feel happy about a pregnancy with someone I love when I was so miserable during pregnancy with my ex. But I also know that I can’t do this right now and have made my decision.
Sorry for such a long rant, it’s hard to know who to talk to, and speaking to people close to me makes it feel even more real and like a massive deal and I just want it to all go away 🙁

[Nomorepain]

Hi Fallingleaves,
I’m glad you are posting here, you are going through a lot. I have been where you are and I know the heartbreaking decision that you are facing. All I can say, is take one hour at a time, one day at a time and one foot in front of the other. You are a warrior and you will get through this. I can tell how much empathy you have. You are thinking so much about how your partner feels. He is very lucky to have someone as kind and caring as you are.

I felt a lot of shame when I ended my pregnancy. I felt ashamed all through my abusive relationship. I feel shame now for staying in that relationship after he cheated on me and abused me. I want to loose the shame because all through my life I have just tried so hard to help others and take care of them and do what is right for everyone. What I am trying to say is you have nothing to feel shameful about. You are putting yourself first and your children and this shows your strength.
Most importantly take care of yourself xx

[lover of no contact]

Hi Fallingleaves,

It’s good you’re reaching out for support. It will be ok and you sound like a wonderful Mum. At the moment understandably your mind and emotions are in turmoil.They will settle. Some advice I got years ago was if in doubt do nothing. There’s no need to rush to do anything. Just let your feelings come and go and keep reaching out for support. Be gentle with yourself. And as no morepain says just take it One hour at a time at the moment. I am praying for you💕

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