Pregnant and still in love with ex abuser

[Yellowdaisy]

Hi all! Haven’t been on for a while but knew this is the best place to come for advice from people who really know from personal experience and don’t just tell you ‘forget about him’ when we know that’s easier said than done.

I left my partner around (detail removed by moderator) ago eventually met someone else who was lovely but didn’t work out and found out I was pregnant.
Change my number email the works and haven’t heard from my abusive ex for nearly (detail removed by moderator). Then today I saw him out in my local area for the first time. And it hit me like a ton of bricks.
He said he still loves me and is sorry for what he’s done and then noticed I was pregnant.
He got upset and said (detail removed by moderator) and both cried and left.

I know in my logical brain he was not a nice person to me but seeing him just brought up lots of old feelings and I realise I’m still very much in love with him.

I would never go back for the safety of my baby but any advice on how to keep moving forward when you clearly are still madly in love with them?

Thanks in advance!

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Yellowdaisy

Congratulations on your pregnancy! and also for escaping your ex successfully. Sorry your new relationship didn’t work out.

I wonder whether you managed to have time to really move on from your ex, it can take quite a time to truly break those bonds, especially the abuser bonds, and maybe getting involved in a new and exciting relationship put your history on the back-burner a bit. So when you meet him now, it reignites all those unresolved feelings.

Its good to say you are very clear that you would never go back for the safety of your baby.

For me its really seeing them for who they are and what they’ve done, which you must do as you say you will never go back, but our logic doesn’t always work on emotions does it!

Personally, I don’t think theres a quick fix, its having the time alone to go through fully the separation, the break, putting him in the past and focusing on the harms he did to you, the fear he instilled in you, and grieving what you thought could be, and now realise can never be. The hopes and dreams you once had that showed to not be possible with him. You will also be feeling hormonal with your pregnancy and that can intensify your feelings.

Take your time, and now you have every reason to focus on something else, with your baby on the way. Absorb yourself in your new life, and you will move on, eventually but not whilst you have any contact, and just remember, its not real or possible with him sadly.

warmest wishes

ts

[Yellowdaisy]

Thank you that really helps. I spent years doing the typical trying to leave him although going back because you love them but I gradually over the past 2-3 years was getting ready to leave and then I had a good year working on myself having therapy going gym etc and didn’t entertain any man on that time so I did spend time trying to grieve and it’s easy to think your doing well when you have no contact at all then you see them and reassure you haven’t moved on as far as you thought it’s crushing. I have no idea how I’m going to even begin to stop loving him.
My baby’s dad is an old friend I’ve known for over 10 years and we wont be together we will need to co parent as I’m clearly not over my ex.

Any tips on stopping the thoughts of looking back and seeing it through rose tinted glasses?
Like you said there’s no quick fix so I don’t think there is just didn’t realise it would take this long.

Thanks again! X

[KIP.]

Write a list of all the abuse and how it made you feel. Love is a strong word and I believe it’s more likely you’re still trauma bonded. There were obviously good parts in the relationship or you wouldn’t have stayed. Contact is toxic as you’re discovering and his behaviour says it all. He’s still try8ng to harm you and mess with your head. Telling you it’s definitely over as if he has the power to decide that. As if you would want that abusive relationship to continue. Planting those seeds of doubt. Taking away something that doesn’t even exist. It’s typical abuser mind games. You’re going to be vulnerable while pregnant, it’s a scary time so build a support network around you so you’re not tempted to contact this man who can’t even wish you well with your pregnancy. Who takes that as a personal insult and injury to himself when it’s got absolutely nothing to do with him. They don’t change. You will always be his property to abuse as he sees fit. To pick up and drop as he sees fit. If you see him again, keep walking. If he contact you then block him. Remember why you had therapy. Congratulations and concentrate on your new abuse free life. You need to be calm and stress free and any contact with your abuser will trigger all sorts of memories. Remember our brain pushed those good memories to the front to protect us. So every time you experience a good memory the counter it with a bad one. A reminder of the reality of him.

[Yellowdaisy]

Thank you for your advice it’s so true that your mind plays tricks and pushes all the good memories to the front. Writing down all the abuse and remembering it again is really traumatic but maybe it needs to be done to remind myself.
I’ve got a good support network and hah I’m so grateful for. Luckily he has no way of contacting me I’m not on social media now either. So the only way is where I live which I’ll be moving out of soon so that’s not be an option either.
He did wish me well with the pregnancy I think he was just move upset for him rather than me because he knows this pregnancy means he can’t be with me anymore. Again it’s about him.
Just hard when they play at your heart string and when your an empath it’s hard to ignore someone you love and ignore your automatic respond to try and make other people feel better but then he always made me feel worse so need to remember that.

Thanks again x

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