Pregnant urgently need advice

[Whiteflower]

Hello,
I have been to the doctors today and have found out that I am pregnant, this was unplanned and I am totally still in shock. I just want to ask some advice if anyone has anything to ease my mind.

About 2 months ago I reported my ex partner to the police for an assault, I withdrew my statement however they are still going ahead with the arrest regardless. The problem I’m having is that all though my ex partner did assault me, he was at the time struggling quite badly with his mental health (anger issues etc). He has recently been taking steps in controlling this, he has moved in with his dad, he is working, getting himself under control. I want to give him the opportunity to continue to do this and turn his life around, however I am so terrified that if I do this my baby will be removed from my care or I will be faced with picking between him or the baby from social services.

I struggle quite badly with my mental health too and I am worried that they will look at both of us as unfit parents and make the decision to remove the child from our care without giving us a chance to prove that we can do this and he is changing his ways, can anyone please offer me any advice as to what to expect please my head feels like it is going to explode.

Will this instantly flag up with a midwife or will it have to be mentioned in order for them to dig into the last?

Thanks for any help you have to offer!

[pigglewump]

Whiteflower,

Sorry to hear you’re having a difficult day today.

I can’t comment much on personal experience, but just to offer my reassurance that social services only remove children from their mothers as an extreme last resort.

Without knowing the exact nature of your mental health struggles, I can’t be definitive, but usually if you are facing any difficulties, they will always try to work with you to ensure that the baby can stay with you. Be upfront with your GP and midwife about your mental health issues because they are there to help.

However, if you are living with a violent partner who is assaulting you, and this is known to the police and social services, the situation will be deemed more volatile and there is more risk that the baby will be removed from your care, usually temporarily, to keep it safe. But like I said, this is still a last resort and only happens if the baby is in imminent danger – if your partner has turned a corner and you are both working hard to prove you are fit parents, they will not take the baby away for the sake of it. They really do what they can to keep children with their parents.

However you do not want a situation whereby your partner is abusing you, and you feel under pressure to keep it quiet so the baby isn’t taken away. That is potentially extremely dangerous for both you and your baby.

I think it’s a good idea for your ex-partner to remain living apart from you for now. It’s only been 8 weeks since he assaulted you. That is not long enough to determine whether or not he will really change. Don’t let him think that the pregnancy, if you tell him about it, let’s him ‘off the hook’ in terms of changing and now you will be together however he behaves.

Then you need to make a decision whether or not you can look after this baby independently from its father if necessary – you said you don’t want a situation whereby you need to choose between him and the baby being taken by social services. In my opinion that choice between your partner and the baby needs to be made now. He may well change and work on his issues, and be a good father to your baby, and even a good partner, but it is too early to tell. You need to decide that your baby comes first regardless, if you are to continue with the pregnancy. I hope I’m not coming across as too direct!

I hope this has helped and you get some rest this evening, I hope it all works out ok for you.

x

[Whiteflower]

Hi thank you for your reply!
I have explained to my ex partner that we are not getting back together and that he will not be moving in with me,
I think I’m going to give the option to him to prove over the next 9 months of actual change, such as attending counselling etc, making genuine real changes before I give him the opportunity to be in our lives. I know I could do this alone and absolutely will if faced with it, I just don’t want to be in a predicament where I have to choose, but of course I would choose my child regardless, I also feel that everyone deserves the opportunity to change and make a go of it. I feel at ease with the fact that social services try everything to keep families together, as I’ve just heard such horror stories about them that has terrified me a little bit.
Thank you for your response this has all just came as such a shock, this is my first pregnancy and to be honest I think I’m still waiting for it to set in X

[diymum@1]

I know that your maternity notes have two parts with father and mothers details- so things like smoking and drinking drugs come up in each xx if social services have been involved before this would be highlighted. History of domestic abuse will be on record if you or he has had hospital admissions but not really police involvement xx I think you really need to get advice from womens aid about this xx

[Whiteflower]

I think I am going to go through the pregnancy on my own and explain this to the midwife, if I do see a commitment to change in him by the time the baby is born then I think I will consider him having involvement with the baby. If I was to explain to the midwife that I am going to do this as a single parent will I still have to give information on the father? I’m just worried that this will reflect badly on me with things that have happened and even if he isn’t involved social services will still be involved for just myself! X

[fizzylem]

Hi WF, I mean to send this with love because your post leaves me with a few thoughts and I think it might be helpful to think about these? This man assaulted you and whether you are with him or not he is the baby’s father – I agree with DIYmum, really think you need to get yourself a support worker from the local womens aid and call the helpline to talk all of the issues through relating to this – as there are quite a few and it sounds like you need more information and support to me.

I can hear you want to do this with or without him and that you wont let him back in unless you see he has changed, great, however, and I say this with kindness WF, sadly, this sounds like denial to me, and this places you at risk, because he’s already over stepped the point of no return when he assaulted you.

This is not an isolated incident is it, it never is, he has been abusive and this has taken a number of forms as well as physical violence – all of it dreadful.

You have said you can struggle with mental health – does this make you abusive? Mental health struggles are not an excuse for abuse; plenty of people have difficulties with their mental health – not all of them are abusive hey.

I think you are maybe starting to think more about what having a baby means, you’ve only just found out you are expecting and youre trying to work out how it might be – I think you are on the right track when you say you would go it alone if needed.

SS only really step in if they can see you are not making sound decisions for the baby and the baby is at risk, having him back could be percieved as this; quite often when this happens, although it’s rare, family members become the primary carer, as a first choice, if this is possible. Would take a while to get to this though, as above says, no one wants to remove a child from its mother, it is a last resort; you’d need to show you can do what is needed and leave him, and there would be opportunities for you to do this before it got to this.

I know you are saying he has moved out but it sounds like you still have contact; I wonder if you and the baby will be safe? Whether he will be able to remain non violent from now? And if not, what would happen here? None of us can really say can we. Its fingers crossed isn’t it really. All we do know is that he’s been violent in the past and so he’s capable -is it worth the risk? If I were you I wouldnt spend any time alone with him from now on, we dont know when he might flip do we?

If you are thinking about being selective with what you do and don’t say to the midwife, this shows us you’re not thinking clearly / are still trying to work things out; you need this person and this support; if you set things up in a way that leaves you feeling I cant tell her, what do you do if you really need her? When you feel I cant involve her? This blocks the support you need. I think it would be good if you were in a position where you feel you have nothing to hide and seek the support you need – always.

Like you say, you could do this if you wanted to, so maybe start gathering information and pull in all your support, we dont need a man to raise a child no but we do need support; I’m also thinking it could be better for you if you go into this with your eyes opened as much as is possible, and feel you are making the best decisions – so you feel healthy x

[Lisa]

Hi there Whiteflower,

I just wanted to offer you some encouragement that you’re absolutely doing the right thing here, and again to try and put your mind at rest with regards to social services. They will only ever remove a child if they are at risk, and that would usually come after a long process of deciding this and giving you opportunities to put in safety measures. There are lots of parents with mental health difficulties so try not to worry about this as being a factor; instead try and take any support they offer you. You can never really have ‘too much’ support; especially being a first time mum.

I would encourage you to contact your local domestic abuse service too for some support with this; they should be able to give you a 1:1 worker who can give you some ongoing support (emotional and practical) and also give you some advocacy with social services if you needed it.

As the others have said, it’s important to remember that mental health issues and domestic abuse are 2 separate things. Lots of perpetrators will blame their abusive behaviours on their mental health, but there are plenty of people with mental health difficulties who aren’t abusive.

If you’re worried about anything or you’re wanting to talk anything through you could also contact a Women’s Aid support worker (from the National service) via our online chat service (Monday – Friday 10am – 12pm).

Do take care, and keep posting for as much support as possible,

Lisa,
Forum Moderator

[Whiteflower]

Thank you everyone for your responses you have really helped to put my mind at ease, I managed to get a little bit sleep last night but had a lot playing on my mind. I am going to be a young single parent, but I just feel so confident that I can do this, and not only that but I feel like this has almost happened at a time when my life needed a little bit of joy and purpose added to it, of course I do know it is very early days yet, and I certainly do hope that my ex partner does make those changes for himself to become a better person and a father to my child, as I feel everyone can change if they really want to, but of course I am prepared for the reality that this might not be the case and I may very well end up doing this alone, but I feel okay with that, your messages have all really helped me feel at ease and brought me comfort so thank you all for taking the time to offer me some advice X

[Sunshineee]

Hey White Flower!

You sound so confident & clued up on your thoughts that is such a good thing! You really are going to be an amazing mum and I wish you all the best! Remember never to make excuses for abuse as somebody’s mental health is never a reason for these behaviours. Keep posting on here, seek help (maybe try IDAS) all the support you have the better! The midwife will never think bad of you for having mental health issues, they just need to know these things as mental illness can get worse during or after the pregnancy it’s something they need to keep and eye on but it’s all in your best interest. I told my midwife I had depression and we never really spoke about it, it wasn’t an issue but I knew I could always speak to them if I needed.

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