Pressing charges for past abuse/update post

[JessicaJones]

I had to leave again. My moods are all over the place right now. I dissociate. I disconnect. Then I reconnect. I’m numb. Then I’m crazy and have so much anger it’s not healthy for one human being to hold.
I still have Stockholm syndrome type symptoms.
Eg – a few days ago I misssd him like crazy. I saw him as all good again. I felt so heartbroken and so bad. I felt like I wanted to go back. I was crying my eyes out fearing he might be dead. I felt so guilty and so sad for him. I saw him as a good person. I was craving to be with him. I felt as though if he asked me to go back I would go immediately.
This lasted a couple of days.

THEN

RAGE. Insane rage. Insane. It all came back. I haaaaaaated him. Hated him. He makes me sick. Started to get flashbacks again. Triggers set me off.
Sickening evil feelings.
As of this moment I am calmer. I feel (almost) in a healthy mindset. And I really want to press charges for what he did to me. I’m strongly considering it.
I pressed charges for one incident which was mild as I was in a situation where I was able to alert someone else to call the police before it got really out of hand. Still ended up with broken bones though. But he didn’t get done for GBH! It’s so wrong!!! If I wasn’t in the place I was that day I think that day he might have succeeded in killing me.

I was fully freed that day. Something happened to me. I awakened fully and completely and I was willing to do ANYTHING to fight for my life. And I did.
But he got off so lightly. And it was one time. I never wanted to press charges before a) because I didn’t see the point b) because I am still terrified that if I do, one day somehow some way he will come for me and kill me. And c) because I am so traumatised by the whole thing I completely disconnect from it so often. As I said I still have Stockholm syndrome type illness. I have cptsd. I idealise him to death at times. I completely disconnect from it all. Or I’m just indifferent. I feel nothing. But am still completely disconnected. And because I can’t connect with it properly I can’t talk about it.
I also have extreme dissociative amnesia. I can’t remember so much. Sometimes I can’t remember any of it. My mind is such a mess in regards to it all it’s like I have brain damage. I guess I do. Then I have a flashback. There’s times I don’t think I’ll ever properly remember. There’s also times I just don’t want to remember.

There’s also the fact I avoid thinking about it all. I avoid reliving it and I will have to if I pressed charges. It would be a trauma in itself. But I want to.

I want to fight. I don’t care. Even if he gets away with it. I want to stand up and fight for myself.
But I think it’s might be too late. Hence why I am posting. Some of this stuff dates back over (detail removed by moderator) years ago. Is it possible to even do it? Do I need to have evidence? I want to do it.

Also, since I got my restraining order I’ve been in touch with him several times. If I show the police the contact what would happen to him? Thing is, I suspect he may have already told someone that I messaged him. Saying I sent abusive messages or something and I’ve harassed him. It’s the kind of thing he would do to cover his own back in case I ever told them we’d been in contact. He has manipulated the police so well. And mental health professionals. It’s tricky.

Could I do it? He held me hostage and wouldn’t let me leave the house. With constant threats to kill me or get someone else to. Extremely dangerous people. Surely that in itself is like kidnap or something?

If I did do this though it would be tough. He is an insanely manipulative creature. Very good at acting. A pathological liar. Victim playing type. And he’s the best victim player you could ever meet. Police were extremely hostile to me due to things he said and how he convinced them. They told me it was my fault (one particular incident in which I had no visible injuries as I called them before he could properly begin the beating. I’ve never explained the abuse fully to a living soul). They also removed me from the house as opposed to him one time when he got a dvpn as I had called them before he could start badly abusing me.

Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated.

[JessicaJones]

I almost ended up homeless that time. And I was mentally absolutely gone. I was more messed up in the head than I have ever been in my entire life. I had absolutely no money in my bank account as he’d been controlling my money. I called people I knew and nobody I knew could give me any. I didn’t tell them what had happened for obvious reasons. Pure fear and terror. I was all alone and absolutely terrified (detail removed by moderator)

[JessicaJones]

And then of course because I’d been locked up for so long without being in the outside world. Stockholm syndrome in full effect. And because I had been made to believe that I was responsible, after the 30 days I went straight back. We were in contact the entire time during those days too and I was also terrified of what would happen if I didn’t go back. I thought he’d come for me. I still worry about it now. He knows such dangerous people. Every time I hear a knock at the door it takes me 30 minutes to calm down even if I see it’s noone threatening.

[KIP.]

Hey Jessica, you remind me of me. You have a great understanding of what and why things are happening to you but it’s so hard to keep sane. I would encourage you to report everything he did to you. You could write it all down in the form of a statement and go to the police with that. There is a time limit for reporting most crimes but not for rape. Even if the time limit has passed it’s important that you report as your statement can help other women with their cases. It’s not always his word against yours when other brave victims have come forward. I can tell you that frightening as it is, my PTSD actually improved as I took back control and held him accountable. I too suffer from Stockholme Syndrome and I think it’s great you use this term. I was always scared to use it as it seemed so far fetched but it all makes sense. Well done you x

[Ayanna]

Like the ex.
Until today I am afraid he could hunt me down.
He had his own gang once, ruled over his own territory.
I did not know that when I met him.
He moves around with a knife.
I am lucky to be alive.
And he manipulates authorities so well.
I had to fight so hard in court and he got away really lightly.

Stand by your truth.
Show them the breach of his bail conditions. Do not answer him.
Adhere to zero contact.
The ex even wrote me a letter. The police did nothing.
He sent me flowers whilst he was banned from the city.
It had no consequences.

Fight if you want to do this. At least in court you can say what happened and he has to listen to it behind a glass wall. You can write a victim impact statement and read it or let the prosecutor read it.
You can tell him via the jury and judge what he did and how he made you feel and what all the abuse did to you, even when they will be patriarchal perpetrator supporters, your day in court might empower you.

I hope you get counseling.

[Author]

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