Pressure / panic / still here

[anotherlife]

I haven’t got time to read other posts today but am taking a minute to put this one on, to try to calm myself or just get it out. I’m still with him, he travels a lot but I don’t feel any better when he’s away these days, as the pressure of staying or maybe my overthinking all the time is getting to me so much. He’s been nicer for about (detail removed by moderator) weeks (mostly) now & much better with the kids, this troubles me in a way as I feel he has their trust now and seems genuinely nicer with them. He’s trying all the things he should have years ago.
But I can’t bear being with him, I don’t let him touch me which makes me feel slightly stronger but I feel so much pressure as everyone seems yo think we’re trying again but I’m not willing to but can’t bring myself to do it, to end it, the time of year really isn’t helping but what will be my next excuse when I’m not strong enough?
I want my own bed & to be able to be alone and fur the kids to understand why we’re not with him, but I know it’ll get nasty.
I’m waffling. I’m just feeling lost & so lacking in everything, including being able to make a simple decision or having to hide it all while pretending to be fine all the time. I’m trying so hard not to cry today, I just want yo be left alone. None of this is the kids fault bug I’m not strong enough with them now & not enough energy, I want them to know a fun & kind mum but I feel like they don’t even see me any more.
Sorry for going on, I’m feeling sorry for myself today. I don’t even know what I’ve written!
I just thought it would be easier somehow to get him out but I feel so weak mentally x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi anotherlife, it’s like groundhog day isn’t it😞 i know exactly how you are feeling unfortunately. It’s the anxiety of waiting for it to kick off, that is what started me on this journey, that and an inquiry as to what i was doing for Christmas this year😏. My oh is trying so hard to be nicer, doing things around the house and out of it, but it is possibly too late for us. You’re just waiting for something you say or do for the cycle to begin all over again😪
I also can’t bear him to touch me, im running out of excuses and blatantly saying no you’re not getting it, he just thinks I’m kidding on. The time of year doesn’t help, i remember saying i dont want to spend another Christmas like i did last year and yet here i am again😔 you’re not waffling i get it. It’s only waffle to those who dont live with an abuser.
It’s because you’ve woken up to what he is, once the blinkers are off, you see him fir the monster he is😪. It must be awful with young children. Mine are grown up now but lived with us for a time, their lives were hellish, til they broke away and went to live with their dad. I still didn’t even realise then that i was being abused and that i could leave, BUT i still was in love with him then. I’m not now, yet i still can’t just say the words, we’re over, it’s time we moved on. Feel sorry fir yourself, you need the luxury to grieve what you’re losing, cos once the reality of what is happening rises up, there’s nothing else to do but grieve. Doing that AND living with them is hell on earth. I always wanted to be an actress, this is the biggest performance of my life. There’s are so many times that i can’t pretend anymore, I’m crying fir no reason. I want to wake up and its all been a bad dream and that he’s nothing like what I’ve been dreaming about, then reality kicks in yet again.
We’ll get through this someday anotherlife.💜 We’ll learn from this, take care. You’re doing the best you can in such an impossible situation.
Much love and kindness to you

IWMB 💕💕

[Lisa]

Hi anotherlife

I just wanted to show you some support as today sounds like a really hard one, you are doing so well just getting through each day and taking care of your children. It is completely draining living with an abuser and its normal to feel weak because of it. Are you getting any local support? The more support you access hopefully the stronger you will start to feel. You can always call the helpline to talk things through on 0808 2000 247.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[anotherlife]

Hi IWMB and Lisa.
Thank you so much for your lovely replies. I really thought that if it wasn’t for Christmas coming up, I may have been able to say I’ve had enough. But he’s been so nice again and then working away so not seen for over a week. With Christmas nearly here, I’m just carrying on organising and pretending things are ok.
I feel more pressure as I’m putting it on myself and thinking I need to do it as soon as new year comes. I want to but the actual reality of splitting up the family (though he’s actually done that through his actions already) and just telling him, the guilty feeling of being the one to finally end it, it’s going round and round and round.
I am on the freedom program, which has been amazing and enlightening and I’ve met some wonderful women who I count as friends now, so supportive 💖
I just feel so stifled and if he was being horrible, I would find telling him so much easier. It’s just because he’s trying so hard but it won’t change my decision. I know he’ll never change & I don’t want him to.
I just feel panicked about what to do when j finally find the courage. I can’t let him talk me round again with emotional stuff.
I’m wasting so many hours and nights and days going over it. I know it’s the same for many women. It feels harder than it did somehow. I can’t organise myself, I’m behind with Christmas plans etc, I’m fretful, emotionally drained, out of work so trying to find any motivation I can but it’s all gone. I have physical pain / health issues too, it’s all getting too much, I just want to hide.
That was a real moan wasn’t it! I didn’t mean fit it to be. I just wanted to ask for tips on motivation etc!
I have however, ordered a book (to hide) which was mentioned on a thread on here today & I think it may help me to think straighter and maybe after Christmas, I’ll somehow get my head straight and try to do what I’ve been wanting to. I can’t waste every day like I am now.
Sorry for the moan! x

[Author]

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