Pressuring me to have a child

[Rainbowcloud]

My partner is very abusive I’ve posted on here lots of times. I rely on him at the moment for finance reasons and have nowhere to go. I’ve got away with not having kids with him this long I’ve already got three and they are getting older now and I don’t want anymore.
He has a go at me all the time about his I dress I wore black jeans and a top to work nothing revealing and he went off on one saying I do this for men to look at me. He’s like obsessed with me I find it increasingly hard to give him love and affection because of his abuse and now he just keeps saying he wants a child and I need to get my contraception taken out he goes on and on. In the end I agreed to this I haven’t yet but said I will. (detail removed by moderator) he said me having a baby will reassure him and make him feel better so now I know that’s the only reason. I’m in my (detail removed by moderator) I don’t want to be tied down with more children that I will have to raise as he won’t help much he doesn’t do household chores now. It’s reallg stressing me out badly

[KIP.]

Very common tactics of an abuser. Can you imagine being tied to him for the rest of your life. That’s what having a child with a man like this will be. That’s why he wants a child. You don’t have a child for the reasons he’s saying either. If you don’t feel assured in a relationship, having a baby won’t reassure him of anything. Please don’t do it. Your reasons are sound and very valid. Don’t trust him with contraception either.

[Had.enough]

I like what KIP said. — think i may need to copy and paste this somewhere to read to try and change my mindset because my current mindset is driving me nuts. also what KIP said about contraception. Be careful. I got a coil fitted secretly. My ex flipped i kept having periods when i was taking pill.
He did nothing when they were born. He would take pictures with them and is ever so attentive when in public. In the home he just wanted the kids in bed. When i was labour with my second he was my birthing partner. He kept going out the room. He was talking to some other woman. Left the day she was born ” he had work”. Surely you would have a day off on a day a child is born. He came back and then left when she was (detail removed by moderator) days old. He caused an argument with me over her name. He wanted to change it. He left for (detail removed by moderator) weeks. Came back for signing the birth certificate. He was all lovey dovey and apologetic. This is a guy that hid the fact that he had children for over (detail removed by moderator) years and that he had me and woman to his other kids pregnant at the same time. writing this i am thinking how could this happen. what a flipping mess.

Dont have a child with them. Be really careful.

[Rainbowcloud]

He is obsessed all of a sudden about having a child and we have been together a few years now. (detail removed by moderator) ago he kept messaging me at work saying (detail removed by moderator) etc then he wants a baby he just seems to want me tied down under lock and key I don’t like being pregnant either it makes me ill and he won’t look after me I don’t think.

[diymum@1]

this is something i actually went ahead with. i requested my medical records and what i read was ‘ this woman has come in with her partner today looking into fertility issues – he is pushing for her to have these tests ans have a baby’ and an exclamation mark. when i read this i realised the doctor had noted that this was all him. he got his way and he wasnt interested in her in the least. he then fought me half off her life through court. my advice would be resist at any cost xxxx

[Fudgecake]

I have to agree with what’s already been said in previous posts…don’t do it.

[KIP.]

Here’s a couple of previous posts I kept just to remind me…

Loving your abuser, will not bring them happiness or peace. Allowing them to annihilate you will not bring them happiness and peace, only temporary satisfaction of the most hideous nature.
Love would not watch you sacrifice yourself. Not ever. Love is beautiful, pain and destruction is not loves nature.

There’s nothing inside of him that can love you or anybody else.
The same logic applies to having a child or children with him. If he cheated on you and wasn’t there to support you meaningfully during the emotional and physical challenges of pregnancy, he’ll remain equally unreliable and unsupportive as you raise your child. If he treated you with disrespect and even contempt before you had a child together, that’s how he’ll continue to treat you afterwards. If he shirked his professional and personal duties before, he won’t be able to handle the most important responsibility of all, which is raising a child. And if he abused you, he will abuse your child, at the very least emotionally.

[diymum@1]

well put and all the exact truth. we need to remind ourselves off this because the common denominator for mant off us is guilt and shame xx but why? not easy to get past or stop but the above is an amazing mantra xxxx thanks kip

love diymum

[BeautyMarked]

Please don’t do it. Abuse escalates during pregnancy as it’s such a vulnerable time. Being tied to him through a child is not a good idea and the last thing anyone would want is for an innocent life to be used as a weapon of abuse. My situation was not like this but I was left devastated and wherever an abuser is involved, whatever their motivation for wanting or not wanting a pregnancy, it can only lead to devastation. I truly believe my miscarriage was due to the constant stress and pressure he put on me. Pregnancy is not a game and if he’s abusive a pregnancy is not going to reassure him as he claims, it’s only going to be another means to try and control.

[diymum@1]

i would most definitely second that from personal experience too xxxx

[Rainbowcloud]

Thankyou everyone I know this deep down (detail removed by moderator)t he brought it up again I tend to skirt the issue he knows it’s not what I want so tends to push it more. I feel like he’s gone more possessive recently than normal always wanting me by him and touching him it’s really strange I think he knows I’m unhappy so is very clingy and extra nice to me. I never trust it though as I’m never far aaay from an another day of abuse and nasty behaviour. A baby is not what I want

[EbonyRaven]

Hi, I’ll echo what has been said already. It’s very obvious from the outside that he’s picked up on the fact that you’ve realised he’s abusive. Not in those exact terms of course, but deep inside he has sensed the sea change within you, that drawing away.

He is panicking and trying to prevent you from drawing away further. This also ties in with the sudden extra jealous things, as he fears you being lured away by another man. They tend toward thinking that way, never crediting us with our own abilities and thoughts, they fear less that we will leave, because they don’t think we can live without them, but more that another man will take us away.

Ultimately it is your choice of course, and I would never tell anyone what they must or must not do with their own body, however, I’ve known people with children they didn’t really want and the guilt they live with for the unstoppable thoughts of resentment against that child, despite the fact that they still do love the child, is absolutely horrendous.

I think in your situation I’d get the Mirena coil fitted. He’d never know it was there and there’s no way for him to sabotage it.

I hope you are able to be free of him in the nearest possible future.

[Escapee]

Don’t do it – it’s a no win situation all round.

And I hear that you think you need him financially but you would survive without him, I promise you. It might not be easy and there won’t be many treats but the freedom from abuse for you and your children will be so worth it!

My children have grown up and left home – one of them told me how proud they were of me being brave enough to leave – so even though we think we protect them from it, they know things aren’t right.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi, this is classic abuser tactics. A baby wont fix his insecurities it will only add to them as you’ll have to give your undivided attention to someone other than him. Talk to your doctor let them know what you are going through, the coil sounds like a good choice plus you can make a show of flushing your pill(if that’s what you take).at the end of the day we do what we do to survive, no one here will judge you, but leaving with children never mind a baby is so hard. It’s been proven that baby’s pick up on abuse. Once born they jump at loud noises, they can be very fretful, cry a lot, sometimes they don’t make any sounds, are very withdrawn. Some men won’t let their partners bond with the baby, leave it lying crying for hours, not allowed to pick it up, can you take that chance?
Take baby steps, and try and speak to your doctor as soon as you can
IWMB 💞💞

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