processing my experience with my writing

[Llgirl]

I did stay.

I stayed
I stayed
I stayed

And prayed that you’d get better, that the infection in you would go, that you’d be healed and in healing you you would heal me and we’d be everything you promised me we would be

You promised
You promised

You made promises to me, to love, to care, to cherish, you said everything about me was ticking your boxes, but this perfect version of me never existed so I was always going to disappoint you, is it my fault?

Is it my fault?

You hurled abuse at me, wanted things a certain way, needed me to obey

Is it my fault?

That I loved you so blindly and ignored all the warning signs bit by bit taking away me from me

Leaving me with your voice

Not my own

My own voice getting so quiet, me feeling so alone

Having another baby hoping you would see the perfection in me you’d seen before, hoping you’d respect me, not dragging me out, trying to throw me out, (detail removed by Moderator) pregnant, out the door

The car
The bed

Running at me with a fist to my head
Shaking it at me so I feel sick

Trying not to cry whilst you called me a c**t, a p***k

thinking what was it I’d done wrong? I’d tried to talk to you, to reason, to work out what had happened between us to make you flip that switch, things had been going so well between us before what had changed?

Something had melted away and left the violent scary version of you I hid in the (detail removed by Moderator) from

Is it my fault?

That I let you think abusing me was ok, that I let you rule the house and rule my day

Was it my fault?

That I wasn’t strong enough? That I let the kids see things, they should never see, see a version of me I should never be

Cowering on the floor, screaming, begging you to stop, which you took as me kicking off

escalating the situation more
Making it worse
Making it unbearable
Making it so bad
I switched my feelings
OFF

Later you’d calm down and reason and be sorry, I didn’t take responsibility, I didn’t accept I’d done things wrong, I didn’t accept that your behaviour was because of me but I must have believed it was

To stick around
To stay
Because I stayed

Even when you said I’d cut and run, when you said you were done, when you said the love had gone, that you stayed only for the kids

I should have know that was a load of tosh
A crock

Because I was the one buying their clothes, researching the best way to parent them, trying to better me to better them, but that was never going to happen living under your lock and key

I guess I did always stay
But
Now

I

Am

Free

[Lisa]

Hi Llgirl,

Thank you for your post and for sharing your story. From what you have described you have been through a lot and you are incredible. I hope you find this space a supportive place to be full of amazing surivors who support each other.

You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[Llgirl]

Thank you x*x

[Author]

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