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    • #40829
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Hi everyone,

      I was having a good few days, getting on with things again and concentrating on my life but the depression starting following me around yesterday and despite going out for a long walk with a friend I feel incredibly depressed and suicidal. I have been ringing Samaritans to get me through the worst times. The relationship brought flashbacks of childhood abuse so I really want to change my living situation and get space from my family now too. Feel overwhelmed with problems, friends have been extremely kind and patient but it’s hard for them to fully understand the shock, pain, devastion, anger, despair, depression I feel and it’s hard pretending that I feel ok when I don’t.

      My brain keeps cycling round trying to process each way that he violated me and my trust so that it can understand, heal and move on. But he wronged me on so many levels that my brain sometimes goes numb with the shock of it all and I just want to die. I cannot understand how he could do one of these things to me, let alone all of them, and feel no remorse, guilt, shame or empathy. I’m pretty sure he’s a psychopath so I get that they aren’t normal but it’s so hard to fathom the horrendousness of it all.

      At the moment my brain is focused on his cheating. When we met he told me he’d deleted his profile, which I then found still online. It was only very early on and he was able to explain it in a way that seemed reasonable (removed by moderator)  . It was early days and there were no other red flags so I accepted it and trusted him. As time went on other strange things happened like I noticed a (removed by moderator)  under his bed (his mum’s apparently!), I heard a woman moaning/laughing in the background just before he hung up his phone after he rang me from work (the receptionist as he walked past apparently), and he acted very strangely about his colleague. He was also really shifty about his mobile phone with whatsapp messages constantly buzzing (his friends apparently) and he always used to tilt the screen away from me and place it face down.

      I have no exact proof of cheating but the above situations and my intuition tells me he was repeatedly cheating, with multiple women, each week, right from the start. He was such a skilful liar and seemed so lovely that I just trusted his explanations. It is just so, so sickening and painful to process. I turned down a date with another man after our first date as I felt guilty! I have never cheated on anyone, I just never want to hurt people like that and think it’s a horrific thing to do, so for him to be cheating like that just makes me go into shock and shut down.

      I even asked him if he’d ever cheated and he said never, he talked about how it’s much better to end a relationship than cheat and we seemed to be completely on the same page. He just seemed like such a nice, normal, genuine person it’s hard to fathom how I got mixed up in someone so immoral, sick and evil.

      I truly feel that I have looked pure evil in the eye with him, if I was religious I’d think of him as a demon or devil walking the earth, the depth of his depravity is unbearable for me to process. He used to come round to my house and I’d cook for him and he’d be on his phone, now I’m realising he will have been arranging sex with multiple women. I noticed a prositute not far from his house (he lived on the edge of a dodgy area) and I asked if he’d seen her before and he acted very strange about her too – now I’m sure he was a regular client of hers 🙁

      I just feel so violated. I gave, gave, gave to him and let him share my life, my hobbies, my home. I was nothing but kind and warm and loving and caring and generous and faithful to him. How could he sit in my house like that, eat my food, talk to my parents, look me in the eye, hold me, sleep with me, pretend to be in a committed relationship with me, talk to me for hours and lie, lie, lie about everything?

      I’m not sure I’ll ever recover from the pain of the betrayal. This has been by far the worst experience of my entire life and I’ve not had a particularly easy life, I had hoped things were on the up for me when I met him, not about to get worse. Thank you so much for listening.

    • #40841
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Big hugs!
      This is so awful!
      What a monster of a human being!
      I am glad you are out!
      Such hurt takes a long time to process.
      I have the same issue like you with family. All the abuse brought back memories from my childhood and I distance myself from my family for this reason.
      Can you get counseling? Have you spoken to your GP?

    • #40843

      Sending virtual hugs.
      I’m in the same boat, processing the fact he obviously cheated me while we have a son together and now I’m pregnant. It only ended (removed by moderator) ago and he’s moved on with someone else already and I feel abandoned, used, nothing etc this past week has been horrendous agony trying to focus on the children is so hard knowing he’s out there enjoying his life with a new partner. While I’m at home so sad depressed and feeling hopeless.
      Your not alone and this is who they are. They are bullies!! Grind you down till you feel worthless or even suicidal! Good on you for phoning samartians and posting on here. All I keep hearing is time is a great healer and all I can say is hang in there. It will get easier!! Just wish we had an off button!!

      • #40851
        SunshineRainflower
        Participant

        Thank you Ayanna, I have referred myself to counselling so waiting to hear back. They said it’s a six month waiting list so I’ll have to find other things to concentrate on until then and try to heal as best I can. I spoke to my GP who have been very good but I guess I just have to wait for counselling now. I might get some books on healing from abuse/trauma and work through exercises in them to see if that helps as I don’t want to be feeling like this for months on end. You’re right, he was an absolute monster in the disguise of a ‘lovely guy,’ a true wolf in sheep’s clothing.

        WhenwillIfind I’m so sorry to hear you went through the same thing especially whilst pregnant, these guys are just despicable creatures. Don’t forget though that he’s not really enjoying himself, I’m certain these men are incapable of happiness, joy and love because those emotions require empathy and giving which they cannot do. It will all be a front with his new partner until tragically the cycle will repeat itself. Are you getting help and support throughout your pregnancy?

        Thanks for your help. Today I just went to sleep in the afternoon and stopped putting pressure on myself to do things as I just felt too bad, it was nice just resting and being calm. I just hope I don’t feel as bad as this for much longer, the relationship was only a few months long but I feel like it’s detonated a bomb in my life in terms of the disruption and destruction it’s caused. I’m just writing down all the things I’m grateful for, like being alive, being free, all the help available, all the amazing women in the world, my body, my soul, my capacity to love etc

        I’m glad I’m not a monster like him and am capable of love, that is something.

    • #40849
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi SunshineRainFlower,

      I’m sorry to read how you’re feeling at the moment. It sounds like now you’re out of the relationship you’re being overwhelmed by thoughts and realisations about the terrible abuse you have experienced in your life. This often happens for survivors, because when you’re in the situation you’re in survival mode, running on adrenaline, and so it’s not until afterwards that your mind can start to try to process what has happened.

      You’re showing great strength by taking action to help you through this; talking to a friend, calling the Samaritans and posting on here. Do you have a domestic abuse support worker? If not I would suggest contacting your local domestic abuse service to see if you can talk to someone.

      Just in case you’re not aware, there is a very good service called NAPAC and they have a helpline to support adult survivors of childhood abuse; it is 0808 801 0331

      You said at the beginning of your post that you were having a few good days, so take it a day at a time and focus on some self-care, and hopefully you will have some better days again soon.

      Kind Regards,

      Lisa

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