This topic contains 8 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Riverrun 4 weeks ago.

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  • #112356
     Beautifulday 
    Participant

    Hi Everyone
    I just thought I would come on to let you know how I’m doing and what my progress has been. I wasn’t doing too well last week and felt I was taking one step forward 10 back! But I’ve made some more progress and its given me a bit of a confidence boost and built my courage a little. So I joined this forum around about 3 months ago and posted but used to read the forum for over a year before that. After being advised to speak to my local wa I did and was so nervous but it felt like a weight off my shoulders that was a good few weeks ago now and after I just slipped back into my relationship thinking things will never change and I saw no light at the end of the tunnel ๐Ÿ™ I kept coming here but honestly gave up all hope and kept being sucked back in by his love bombing. I had a solicitors number saved in my phone and last Friday actually plucked up the courage to call them I still can’t believe I did, she was lovely and completely understanding gave me a free initial chat and said whenever I want to progress just give her a call back so this put me at ease too and felt like another step.
    Then Monday just gone I contacted a few counsellors experienced in trauma bonding, toxic relationships abusive relationships and ive arranged an appointment for next (detail removed by moderator).

    Then I had typed up on my phone an email to my mortgage advisor asking advice on my home situation i saved it in my drafts but was too scared to send it then last night I thought im sending it!!! I sent it last night.

    I also text an old friend I lost contact with and she replied straight away, I opened up about my dituation and explained what’s been happening straight away she said its abusive and told me I need to get from this marriage, I felt like a huge weight off my shoulders and burst into tears. She was so supportive and told me im a strong kind beautiful woman and deserve better. I feel a lot better from confiding in my friend and we are meeting next week for coffee.

    Hes in work today and (detail removed by moderator) spoke to me absolutely terribly, shut the (detail removed by moderator) door in my face when I tried asking something and I kind of had a light bulb moment i can’t describe it , i just thought what a doormat I am. I would never shut the door on someone as they are speaking and since his horrible words and the door shutting incident ive began looking at him different. I slept in thr spare room (detail removed by moderator) well lay awake and this morning he was all morning lovely!!! All happy and chirpy like nothing happened i know its because he senses im gaining strength. I just answered back morning and got ready. I just wanted to come here to say ik feeling a lot better today and feel like I’ve made a good few steps the last few weeks and ones I never had the courage to do before. I want to thank you all on this forum for being so kind and supportive

     

  • #112370
     Hazydayz 
    Participant

    Good Morning Beautifulday ๐Ÿ™‚It’s good to read your on it! You have had some real support this last week! & Your flying … Out that door very soon hopefully? Keep going with this positve momentum, your doing great now! I want to say so much more but am unable right now so I will pm you later. Have a Beautiful day, your a Beautiful soul, & Thankyou too! For inspiring us all!๐Ÿ’

  • #112385
     Beautifulday 
    Participant

    @hazydayz
    Thank you so much lovely for your kind words , its true what they say that once you make that initial step whatever it may be the ball starts rolling whether you think it is or not. Things just seem to fall into place, it may not seem like it but they really do. I was so afraid of reaching out and telling a friend mostly I didn’t want to seem like a failure, everyone thinks we have this amazing marriage. Scared of what family and others may think, scared people won’t believe me etc. But after reaching out to an old friend she was so supportive and really has given me strength. So I say to everyone on here if its possible reach out to someone , whether its an old friend, your vicar ,, work colleague you trust, family member you will feel so much better honestly its like a weight off your shoulders xx

  • #112554
     Lotus20 
    Participant

    Hi beautifulday,

    Well done and so happy for you mainly for the insight you have now on the cycle and the pattern.
    Also as you said is so good to talk to someone, whilst does not matter who their are in terms of old or new friends, it’s really important to be able to trust as some friends may actually have no clue and don’t know how to support. It’s because we always put a smile face and mask everything to show how good we are together. I did this for years with a hope of having a family, the ideal loving beautiful family picture that was seen from the outside was what I also wanted always, but in reality thingd were never smooth or good inside, all neglect, aggression, lack of affection, control and I did feel like a doormat.
    But you did it, when the light bulbs comes on, it’s hard to fall into the cycle, you can see everything, although the trauma bounding is the hardest but, hard to not wanting to get back.
    Well done for taking the positive steps, youre brave as my friend said it to me.
    I’m still very cloudy myself after having already left. But I read here in the forum that the psychological abuse is the hardest to pinpoint and the easiest to doubt ourselves to fall back as soon as seeing all the sweet loving words and the charm.
    Wish you all the best for your journey and keep staying strong.

  • #112562
     Wiseafter 
    Participant

    Thanks beautifulday I too have made progress in the last week or so in terms of calling professional people and asking my close family for some support (they didn’t know) but it is so hard to get motivated to reach out to old friends for whatever reasons. I’m so scared of being judged and feeling ashamed because it has been so long. Can dish advice but not give it to myself! Emotionally, it has been a rough time, I cry like a lost child everyday and am finding it hard to be free of the strong bonds to this man who treated me so badly. Just how much control he had over every single aspect of my life and how much I gave it to him is only coming to the fore now that I have counselling which is a safe place for me to understand how this happened to me and why I have been sleepwalking through my life for so many years. I now need to reach out to friends and you have inspired me. Please keep posting. x

  • #112600
     Eggshells 
    Participant

    All really positive stuff Beautifulday. Big steps too. The more you do, the more you will gain strength. Big hugs. xx

  • #112606
     Beautifulday 
    Participant

    Hi @lotus20

    Thank you! And well Done on getting out! You should also be very proud of yourself and I really hope I find your courage one day.
    I’ve just been taking baby steps and this has been the best way I feel.
    Your right about friends! Some just don’t get it, my close friend who I see a lot I know she wouldn’t get it she thinks we are a happy married couple and as Ive alwats made excuses for him or bigged him up to her I know she would find it hard to believe.
    The friend I told was actually a really old friend from my education days, we had kept in touch but hadn’t met for years sadly I would put that down to my ex thinking about it. They were so understanding it was like talking to a counsellor, they really listened gave their opinion but told me that they can tell me leave until they are blue in the face but only myself will be able to make that final step , that its up to me and to use my strength and courage to do so. I felt really uplifted and much better afterwards. Xx

  • #112607
     Beautifulday 
    Participant

    @wiseafter

    Thank you so much! Its all thanks you lovely lot! Coming here everyday reading talking , it has really helped me so much , so thank you

    And Please reach out to a friend one you know you can really trust, just make that call ๐Ÿ™‚ i felt so embarrassed and ashamed but I did it just asked if they didn’t mind a chat as I was going through something, more often than not they will be so understanding and it will make you feel like a weight of your shoulders. So please do it. I hope you are OK and feeling OK, and also well done on making contact with professionals its such a small step but also a huge one! You feel so relieved dont you? Even if its just advice every step you make is a step and you feel lots stronger. Sending you lots of love xx

  • #112902
     Riverrun 
    Participant

    Beautifulday. I’ve just read your post.. & I’m it’s exactly what I have been doing.. But I just can’t find the strength.. All your posts give me hope of a brighter future. I’m constantly told I’m a failure.. Just hope for future kindness..
    Take care all xx

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