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I went to see a counsellor today who had been recommended to me by a friend who has been in a similar situation. She was great. I mainly talked a lot, but she suggested that my husband is insecure, scared, acts like a child and controlling. Just about right. For our next meeting I have had to write a list of positives/negatives about me and also about my husband …. quite an eye opener.
What’s bugging me the most right now is how do you get from where I am (i.e. informing myself, getting clarity on whether I am going mad or not, identifying the issues) and getting out? – or more precisely getting him out. I can’t see that ever happening and don’t see how I get from here to there.
Part of me is waiting for him to do something so awful that I can’t take anymore, but I’m sure that is very realistic.
Any ideas / helpful thoughts? xx
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Dear ABC, when I felt like you do I read a book called How to Mend a Broken Heart by Christine Webber. It had a chapter in it about working out how much you LIKE, not love but LIKE your partner. It is really detailed and has lists that you need to make, it is very specific to get down to what you actually find pleasant about the person that you are with. I liked 2 or 3 things about him, 1 of those things may have applied to anybody. For a decent long term healthy relationship you should like a lot more than a few vague things. You should love quite a lot and these things should be really specific to that person. It was quite an enlightening read. I realized very early on as I was keeping a journal that I wasn’t enjoying my time with my ex, he irritated me and was overpowering. I was concerned that I didn’t like him that much. By then I was quite hooked in so couldn’t deal with this red flag.
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Hello
I have journals and note books filled with every list and episode to help me work it out. The councellor, relate and friends did not know the half of it. The focus always being on communication and the relationship. When I re-read the notes I started to ask myself what sort of relationship am I having with myself continuing with this person? What would support me in being my best self, safe, loved, respected and valued to help build my fullest potential. Little ol me asking a big question as if I could be like all those women I think have something far more than me. Quality initiated love, attention and support from a kind, thoughtful man. Instead what I did learn in reality is that so many of the women I know are in a relationship doing all the work, all the changes, making huge sacrifices to give “the benefit of the doubt” another year. Read about narcisstic behaviour. DO NOT DOUBT YOUR TRUTH AND INTUITION. Red flags, triggers, shifts, will help you take steps to stand a true reality check. Write it all out to yourself, keep it flowing, let it all come …even the ugly bare bones about yourself and the steps will follow. Invisible changes are happening all the time. With the help of seeing what our needs are, where we want to be what support we need to help us on our way the changes become evident when we are ready. Believe me “never imagine you can know someone else, or know other relationships. You can only really truthfully get to know yourself better …and start with what you need…. take all the time you need to work that out. It is already a positive step being on here reading and responding to others …that we are living and re-writing our chapters towards self love, confidence and courage. With love x PS …
I noticed the men so readily get help and love from so many ‘other’ women in their lives, but I notice and experienced that I had to beg, become victim, or fix it for myself. Professional support really helped me but I DID ALL THE WORK.
The fact is …. WE ARE ALL WORTH IT. I am trying to me mindful with every drop, every thought, every step because my life depends on me being in it.
A survivor in the ocean of seeing and hearing other survivors swimming and sailing for their lives every second of the day. -
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What helped me get out of (removed by moderator) years of abuse with a master manipulator n********t.
(Removed by moderator), ago now, even though I am still managing the aftermath.The best thing I can tell you right now is that I was really scared “if” I did get him out of my life I would regret it. Today I DO NOT REGRET IT. IT WAS THE BEST THING I DID. I only should have done it sooner without letting others create doubt and uncertainty on what I already knew about me. I did not and could not trust him. There was a real reason for this and I did not really have to spend years trying to work it out.
Writing the bare bones about me, what was really going on. It was there right from the start …charming hell.
I tested a few confidants but not being professionally trained they left exasperated.
They dropped off radar.I noticed a year later telling people close to me only seemed to perpetuate the grief of self doubt.
That it was something I was doing something I could change.He was absolutely charming and devoted socially and those around us together did not believe me (church folk).
I only really got to sense and notice the person he truly was when we lived together.
It was all an illusion, a set up. He had a purpose.
He would disappear, do odd things, (removed by moderator).He had moved over to live with us, then took over. Very swiftly and smartly he took over what was my (removed by moderator) at friends. He worked on them too and they adopted him and then later they kicked me out when I had asked him to leave. They kicked me out because of his fat lip and his big fat lie.
Thankfully I had taken a job. Similar jobs that had been offered and refused previous year or two, because I was not ready to see it then still struggling with the work and home conditions with him taking over everything.
I checked and managed my finances to straighten out the shift. A free online C A P money management programme. Easy to use worksheets to sort out what I live on.He left some debt. I paid it. Money comes and goes.
I lost what I thought were dear friends – over 10 years. They don’t know who he is …..very painful. The last 2 years they got tired of my tears and upsets about things they did not really believe. His heavy use of porn, the adult sex network mail, the constant new contacts on phone and skype. His promoting shared car journeys to cut costs opening and adding more and more contact details …. often explicit private photos on his facebook being shared and commented on by new fresh faces ….all women mostly women ,….most of the time being very familiar.Believe me I am not possessive but it really was a problem.
Now I can see the whole thing differently. For what it was.He needed a home, a bed, a domesticated sex pet basically to take care of his needs while he managed his singledom fantacies on line. Made me feel I was dull and boring not to be up for things.
Things did not get better, he was a master planner and knew exactly how to keep my vulnerabilities to heel.
I can run a whole list now, but back then I could not bear it all. Round and round in a cycle.Today I understand more fully that I was caught in a web of his deceit, constant fibs, manipulating and charms to trigger responses. I was really hooked, it was like a drug. (Im going to keep it simple here – no point dragging all the muck back up)
He was grooming me and set up adult network profiles.
I backed out and then he turned to a different game plan.
He humiliated me socially and worked on my friends to create even more self doubt.
He would make me feel it was me, that I was possessive and jealous.
That he found my need for attention suffocating.I was trying to find intimacy and connection but he was very alluding disappearing all the time and basically we never talked ..he never shared anything normal about himself, his day even … it became a strange thing to notice what he did choose to talk about … then it got really weird.
The new job added more stress but because of it I had to organise myself differently.
I noticed I could not keep tabs on everything he was doing.
All his locked down computer skype mobile checks on daily traffic.
His daily whereabouts became out of my control, like I had any control really.
I found a space at work to see things differently.
I knew I was not getting any support from him. That actually he was using me.
That on my home comings, I noticed that after 3 months I was looking at him differently
I started to make a plan.
I started to look for alternative options to this plan.
Writing a safe list, of those who could help with what without asking questions.
I decided to ask him directly to leave.
I did it after a fight over his new set of fibs. I hit him and he left telling my friends I abused him.Then I changed the locks, packed everything that was his, EVERYTHING.
I removed all access and contact links.
Rang the police about (removed by moderator) and to check if I could get him out of the county.
Legally I have no control or power over his personal use of them but he cannot blackmail or post them.
He moved in with my friends.
He lied to them and they think I am mad, possessive and jealous.I dropped out of going to church (16 years and not one person has called!)
Today I know he comes and goes with them still but after having moved all my work things away I have now cut all ties with them.
My self employed business can be worked on again. I now focus on how to manage the stresses of the new job better, although I feel alone most of the time. Recently, I met a familiar mum face from primary school run, and was truthful about the episode and she confided in her own n**********c experience. Telling me that it was a mental health sickness. For the first time I felt that someone actually believed me and I wept with relief. I now feel much stronger, more myself again, although I seem to be hyper sensitive still to domineering bully types rail roading stuff. My anger is now focused on managing priorities and looking for a new (removed by moderator) work space. I have had to dump a lot.
I still wake sometimes in the night with anxiety and grief but then remember. Being mindful not to stir up I then focus on my goals.
I once heard someone tell me “at least he didn’t hit you”
I spit sometimes over the dumb things people have said.
Abuse comes in so many forms. I am sad mostly that I did not trust and listen to myself. Did not act sooner.
For my daughters sake. I found it easier when I thought of her … but then he was so clever with her but she was having none of it. She couldn’t stand him, always leaving the room. How could that continue to be a normal relationship.This was a lot tonight. Heavy again. I feel I am able to let go of this. Tomorrow I throw the key for good. It is my last trip there then it is all over. And I will not be looking back if I can help it. They will never find out what I know. Now I will work on finding better things to do.
Good night.
Please do not despair, prepare instead your thoughts quietly to make a plan.
X S
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