Progress can be slow but we still move forward

[Camel]

When I read those first posts from women desperately unhappy, wondering if it’s their lot for ever, I remember acutely how bad it was for me. I had no concept of contentment. So I’m sharing my story so far with you now, to show that there is always hope.

I’ve spent over a decade in self-analysis, working out what it is about me that makes me easy prey to manipulators, controllers, liars and cheats. I learned that my low self-esteem meant I was grateful to any man who showed interest. I identified childhood emotional neglect as the cause of that low self-esteem. I accepted that my judgement has generally been off.

During this decade I stayed single and got old. My emotions bounced between self-preservation, self-pity and desperation. I was single, not dead. I wanted sex but when it came to it I couldn’t just close my eyes and think of England. Overnight, it seemed, the men had got old and fat, drunk and often married. Well-meaning friends tried to set up dates with depressives, hermits and hoarders, all just needing the love of a good woman with low standards and lower self-respect.

So being single went from personal failure to sensible option. I began to appreciate the benefits. No one to appease, placate, consider, cajole, amuse or satisfy. No drama or arguments or morning glory. All those hours and hours, all mine, to do with what I wished.

I still had good friends around me but over time I found myself socialising less and less. I love my friends dearly but it began to feel like groundhog day, the same people in the same pubs with the same conversations, going home when they go home. I also found the ‘small town’ thing oppressive, bumping into friends of the ex, everyone having an opinion.

Recently when I had to find somewhere new to live I made the impulsive decision to relocate. I don’t know if I was depressed or bored but I had to shake off the old place. I already have friends here so I’m not having to start from scratch. But most people don’t know me and it’s liberating. Here I’m not defined by my relationship history. I’m in a happy place right now.

[Lisa]

Hi Camel,

That’s great; thanks for sharing. Glad to hear you’re doing well in your new area,

All the best,

Lisa

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Camel

I greatly appreciated reading your insights of your journey, you inspired me to stop for a minute – actually few hours 😄- to reflect on my own journey so far.

I couldn’t agree more starting with just your title, goodness me the length and snail like pace of this recovery tested my patience like nothing and nobody has ever tried me before. The unknown timeframe, no ETA in sight (Estimated Time of Arrival) to the next chapter of my life left me frustrated for a long time. I felt held captive by trauma almost to the same degree as when being abused. I sometimes wondered what was the difference. I realised with trauma there is a real opportunity to heal and be free whereas being stuck in an abusive relationship, there is only destruction and ultimately death in store.
I’ve learned thanks to the show of patience of other survivors here that recovery is slow indeed so I started to accept that fact rather than force it forward. Each time I let go of the reins I was able to move forward a lot smoother. Holding tight to I’m not even sure of what concretely simply wasn’t working for me. Ever so often I had to focus on relaxing and letting go and being grateful for what I do have right now instead of being impatient to reach the life I dream of.
The reality is I got injured by abuse – twice – and needed to admit this to myself. Once I was open to see internal injuries ( trauma) need healing too, therapists, doctor and the invaluable support on here helped me navigate the healing labyrinth.

I was raised in a loving home, filled with respect and everything else we needed but!! we children were expected to devote our attention to work and family. To choose a life where our own interests were met wasn’t even mentioned. The focus of our lives was to be devoted to something/someone external to ourselves.
This is indeed the way I spent my life. First devoting myself to work then later to my own family life.
Perhaps my dedication to others set me up for an abusive relationship. I did feel quite offended to have been rejected/ discarded twice by my abusers, imo they couldn’t have asked for a more devoted person than me. I succeeded at being a devoting person. I accomplished the goals set by my family. Their discard did not only insult me but stretched onto my entire family, on the way I was educated thus insulting the belief system of three or even four generations incl. me.

I am single too and one and a half year ago I was still dreaming of meeting a man, recreating a family with him, continuing where I left off with my abusive air-headed ex.
But I am too vulnerable and would have most probably attracted yet another abuser, two were plenty enough for a life time. I couldn’t take that risk anymore. I too miss sex but not that much, you don’t need a man to satisfy sexual pleasure and for me it is safer to be imaginative than seeking a one night stand.

Now I am at a point where close relationships – all of them – go into the background of my life, because my focus is changing from serving others to serving my very own wishes. I dare asking myself what are my interests and to go get them! Imagine that! I am going against my abusers brainwash AND the way I was educated. It’s big! I feel very free and quite happy forging my own way.
I increasingly enjoy being single and alone because with that status comes the gift of time and space! I am free to fill my time&space the way I wish to. How incredibly fantastic is that? Such privilege.

I did self analyse lately, not so much to see my vulnerabilities regarding abusive people – it is clear as day to me that my focus needed redirecting towards myself – but to oriente myself career wise. I tested my personality type with the MBTI – Myers Briggs Type Indicator (a test created by mother and her daughter!). It has shown me some interesting results matching my core values and my motivators.
I did the test on truity com. I found reading about the other personality types highly interesting too, I especially enjoyed reading the comment section of each personality types and had quite a few laughs. I find it overall fascinating as most comments are indeed matching aspects of their personality type. My favourite comment section comes from the personality type I/ENTJ – I’m not that type – persons with great analytical minds, it’s a real treat to read their logical thought processing, they are called masterminds for a reason.
My own results show an almost equal level of ENFP/INFP (the champion/the healer) both highly matching and a good match of ENTP (the inventor). I am not in agreement with the E results though, I see myself as an Introvert at my core with highly developed social skills.
I enjoy spending time in big crowds, working in groups and social settings but equally enjoy reading/writing/learning alone.

Life is full of possibilities isn’t it. We recover, yes it is difficult process, full of emotions, anxiety, depression and thoughts going 3000 miles an hour, but when we can find a way to navigate through it, educate ourselves about trauma, abuse, self care, and readjusting our pace to what’s needed to heal, we are free afterwards 😄

Here’s to us all wonderful survivors 💪💕
Take care

[Camel]

Hi Hope

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I’m with you on feeling too vulnerable to consider a relationship. No amount of self-knowledge and understanding is enough to allay the fear of repeat. I was out with friends tonight and found myself saying ‘I don’t need a man for anything.’ I don’t need their validation, company or money. What’s left? Just sex. I could go out every night of the week and if I put my mind to it I could ‘score’ every time. If I wasn’t fussy. But I am fussy and no random fumbling ever measures up to expectation. Believe me, I’ve had my share of one night stands and they have rarely been satisfying sexually. And isn’t that kind of the point? I’m not passing judgement on anyone, it’s just not for me. So what are the options if I don’t want a relationship and I won’t do it with strangers? There seem to be two. Engage a professional and pay according to performance. Or accept with grace the arid years ahead. 🙂

[Summerisbest]

Thanks to you all for sharing, this has helped me today.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Lol 😂 you truly made me laugh with your innovative solution to hire men instead of risking a lousy one night stand. That’s a courageous approach! And an honest transaction.

[Camel]

It’s all talk! Knowing my luck I’d find myself doing my absolute best to please a g****o 😂

[Camel]

OK I can’t say g****o. How about male sex worker…

[Author]

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