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I’m just not sure what steps to take next. It’s so long winded but I left my daughters dad (detail removed by moderator) ago as he was aggressive and unhinged. I think he is a n********t in the mental health definition of the word. I’ve tried to ensure that he has had a normal as possible relationship with our (detail removed by moderator) old daughter but the older she gets, with her own opinions, the more angry and rejected he feels if she disagrees.
It was her weekend with her dad (detail removed by moderator) but she got upset (detail removed by moderator) and wanted to come home (she’s a bit clingy, my mum is very ill) and because of that her dad called her names, said (detail removed by moderator), then begged her to stay (detail removed by moderator).
I went on (detail removed by moderator) to collect her because he refused to bring her home (when he finally responded to my calls and texts). she was sad and scared & tearful. She had been asking to come home, he said no, she might see me the week after. He told her (detail removed by moderator).
(Detail removed by moderator) I must be saying bad things to her about him! (I’m not).
she decided actually she didn’t want to go to (detail removed by moderator) with him and my god, it was hours of abuse. Fury unleashed. Apparently I’m an abuser, I stopped her going, , (detail removed by moderator) – on and on. He now refuses to pay anything towards her and I am dreading him finding out that I have finally dared to go to the CSA.
My mum is terminally ill and he’s been messaging her and my dad too.
She doesn’t want to (detail removed by moderator). I have told him it’s fine to have her in day but she doesn’t want to sleep over. But he hasn’t even responded – he’s just constantly sending me messages saying (detail removed by moderator). It’s all so enraged and dramatic. All this because she wanted to come home (detail removed by moderator) early.
And it’s hard because yes she’s scared and I need to protect her but she also loves him.
It’s not gone down well. I’m not sure what to do next? He sounds unhinged . I’ve reported to police, contacted domestic violence service. But then what? If he wants to do I let her see him (detail removed by moderator) day? Tell him to go away until it’s calmed down?
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Hi Jodenice,
It’s good to know you have reached out to some services already for help like the police and your local domestic abuse service.
Have you had a good conversation with your local domestic abuse service about all that is concerning you about child contact? They often support women around this and should be able to go over all your options and make you aware of any specialist services that can help further. They often have links to good legal advice too.
Ultimately, do what you think is in the best interests of your child. Your ex-partner may not agree with your decision (no contact for example), but then he can take this matter to court if so chooses and there you can put your concerns forward in court(a domestic abuse worker should be able to support you around this too), so a formal contact arrangement can be made that that reflects the impact it’s been having on your daughter. The order is legally binding and he needs to follow this or will be breaching the order and face repercussions.
Rights of Women are a voluntary organisation offering free, confidential legal advice on matters including family law, domestic abuse, children and child contact issues. Their Family law advice line can advise around domestic abuse; divorce, finances, cohabitation and property in relationship breakdown; parental responsibility and child arrangements; lesbian parenting. They are available on 0207 251 6577 (Tues-Thurs 7-9pm and Fri 12-2pm). They also have a line for women in London on 020 76-8 1137 (Mon 10am-12pm and 2-4pm, Tues-Weds 2-4pm, Thurs 10am-12pm and 2-4pm).
The National Association of Contact Centres offers advice on child contact centres. They are available on 0115 948 4557 or contact@naccc.org.uk (Mon-Fri 9am-1pm). Their website has a search function to find local centres: http://www.naccc.org.uk .
The Coram Children’s Legal Centre provide free legal resources with advice and information on all aspects of family, child and education law, including relationship breakdown; parental disputes, duties of children’s services; child protection. They can be contacted on 0300 330 5480 (8am-6pm, Mon-Fri).
Also, Family Lives provide support to parents under stress, can make local referrals, and have a forum for parents. They are contactable on 0808 800 2222 (Mon-Fri, 9am-9 pm, and 10am-3pm Sat & Sun); they also have a live chat (Mon-Fri 1.30-9pm) available through the website.
I hope this is useful to you. Do keep posting to let us know how you are in this, moving forward.
All the best,
Lisa
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I’m in a similar position, but a few steps ahead. I know what you’re going through and it’s awful. Just awful. My children started to say they were scared of their dad after he called my son a name a number of months ago. Lots of information then came tumbling out about how their daddy had frightened them by shouting, losing his temper and being angry for no reason, and making my son (detail removed by moderator) to get away from him. He also told me that when he shouted, she’d (detail removed by moderator) and shake.
My ex pleaded one time to see the kids after he (detail removed by moderator) and hit a wall in front of them. He was unhinged. It was his weekend, he wanted the kids, even though they didn’t want to go because he’d scared them.
You have taken all the right steps. I wish I’d called the police. I never did. You have some exactly the right thing. Now record everything. Every detail. Whether your daughter is upset one morning; her sleep pattern is disrupted; what she says to you about him; time frames. It will all he needed as evidence in court, if it goes there. Also, tell the Gp. And look around for a solicitor. If your daughter needs counselling or some sort of taking therapy, talk to the Gp, and your school, who will have some form of therapy provided, or they may refer her. It’s a minefield dealing with an ex who is a narc – not just for us as parents and ex partners, but incredibly hard on children who do not have the same tools to tap into to cope and understand. My son is about to get therapy because he’s become so confused by his dad telling him things never happened, and that he’s lying. It’s awful. It’s extremely hard to have a narc as a dad.
You have made the right steps. You’re very brave and strong and have done exactly the right thing. -
May I add that a stop was put onto dad’s time alone with my children after their disclosures. My ex then filed to court to reinstate time alone with them (detail removed by moderator). The court orders (detail removed by moderator) – all of which he’s denied. You need to keep a children’s diary about anything you feel is out of character for your daughter. My next hearing is coming up (detail removed by moderator) – but still waiting. Hopefully, they will believe what my children are saying and what I’ve said (detail removed by moderator). My children are saying that their dad is with them alone often – grandparents are not present. I’m unsure of how this can be proved and what will happen if they’re all found in breach of court. But my ex is a narc and has a silver tongue and charms people. But like your ex, he’s can be aggressive and can frighten.
Read Divorcing a N********t: one Mom’s battle.
Take the Freedom Programme. Read “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft. Educate yourself. Act like a grey rock when corresponding with you. See if you can arrange things so you don’t have to meet. X -
Not much to add after excellent advice from posters so far, having ‘survived’ years of very difficult negotiations re court etc. and child contact.
Three things I would say are
1. It gets easier..combination of practice of your own boundaries and routine.
2. Pace yourself. It is a lot of information to take in especially around court.
3. Something I wish I had known about at the time in reading was teh notion of creating a ‘circle fo security’ around your child.
I kind of did it anyway but there are therapists and counsellors writing about that now which helps.
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