Psychological and sexual abuse

[bitterness]

I ve been married for (detail removed by moderator) I ve been controlled in so many ways. Sex is always a traid for things that I need like cloths or hygiene products. I wasn t really aware that what is happening with me is not right. But I new that this is not right… We were raised as conservative Christians…So I was thinking, as the Bible says, that is my fault his sexual behaviour…I has to obey to him and do as he says. And because I am not giving him enough sex he is insisting for sex and touches me even my body and my mind dosen t want it. Recently I started work after LONG LONG time of arguing on this matter. He thinks the women place is in the kitchen and raising children. I mentioned divorce so many times but he said that that is not an option for me…because it is a sin and he will take my daughter from me…She is my sunshine and everythings…To avoid conflicts I started to do things as he says…my will and desires are constrained…I want to divorce but I don t have money..I just strated work and he warned me already that I won t work for a long time…and that he will take my daughter with him in our country..I am afraid of that. I want to escape this marriage because staying longer will afect my mental health and my ability to raise my daughter in an happy and secure environment. I would like to fill up the forms for divorce but I think I might need some help with the next steps…I also don t have money because I just started work…Some guidance will help a lor Thank you

[bitterness]

Yes. I am new. And feeling overwhealmed of my situation.

[maddog]

Firstly you are not alone. Rape within marriage became illegal in England in 1992. I used to have massive rows with my ex about sex too. You have to be able to have to agree to sexual activity by choice and you need the freedom and capacity to make that choice.

He is raping you and he is threatening you.

Please at first make contact with Women’s Aid and find local support. They will know solicitors who deal specifically with domestic abuse.

Your husband’s behaviour is criminal and he has broken his side of the vows of marriage.

Going through divorce is horrible in the first place. We are very fortunate that there is so much support out there when abuse and rape are part of the reason. You will get there.

In the meantime, keep a diary of his behaviour. Everything. It also helps to go ‘grey rock’. If you try to discuss anything important with him, he will make it seem like it’s your fault and he will turn it against you. Don’t try telling him what you want. For the time being you need all the external support you can muster and go undercover. The support is there. It is here too.

The rules around god are open to interpretation and I too was brought up to think I had to put up and shut up.

Rape Crisis is brilliant. Victim Support will also guide you.

Well done for recognising the behaviour and recognising the effects. It is also really important to tell your gp and if the children are school age, let them know the family situation as well.

[Lisa]

Hi bitterness,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us, I know it can be hard to post for the first time. I’m very sorry to read of the serious abuse you are going through. Sadly religion can be used by abusive men to try to excuse or cover up their abusive behaviour. There is no excuse for abuse, it is a choice that your husband is making to exert power and control over you. Threatening to take your child from you is also a commonly used manipulative tactic.

It is positive that you have recognised his behaviour and know that you need to end the marriage. You and your daughter deserve to live free from abuse. Please be reassured that there is lots of help available, you do not need to do this alone. First I suggest calling the Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to speak to a trained female support worker in confidence. They will not tell you what to do but will talk through your options and signpost you to other relevant organisations.

The Rights of Women have excellent detailed information on their website, including A guide to divorce.

Kind regards and keep posting when you can,

Lisa

[maddog]

The Church can be a very strange institution. Throughout my childhood the church was very much part of the abuse. As Lisa points out, religion is so often used as an excuse.

A church should be a haven of safety, not a place of violation. I was unable to set foot in a church or place of worship for decades. I have been through the mill on this one!

[bitterness]

I spoke with somebody at that number and gave me a number to call. Left a voice mail but nobody called me back. I ll wait until tomoroow and Ill call back. I didn t even receive my first payment and he is asking for the money that he gave me for my daughter s nursery…I CAN T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!

[KIP.]

Have you considered a refuge? You will need help to get away from him. He won’t want you to have any money of your own because that gives you financial independence and threatens his control over you x

[Lisa]

Hi Bitterness,

Well done for trying the helpline. I am sorry if they were busy but please do try them when you next have a safe moment. They can be busy but if you leave a safe time to call you back then they will always try. You can also try to get in touch with your local Women’s Aid group here- https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Please keep posting to let us know how you are.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[bitterness]

I found the location. Can I go there if they didn t responde to my call?

[Lisa]

Hi Bitterness

I think you would normally need to arrange a time to meet with a worker over the phone unless they have a drop in service, if you have found the website for your local support service have a look to see if they advertise a drop in and you would be able to go along to that. If they dont then you could always call again and leave another voicemail.They may be very busy and hopefully someone will call you back soon.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[bitterness]

I already went. On the website said that they do drops in but when I arrived there was an announcemwnt that I have to make an appointment. I called at that number but says that it is a error number. What should I do?

[maddog]

Speaking to the police is far less dramatic than it sounds. They should have a domestic violence unit and specialist operators. Do not give up heart. At the beginning it feels as though it hoop after hoop after hoop to jump through. I spoke to them today about something I found out about my ex which concerned me. What he did isn’t criminal but it set my teeth on edge.

[Lisa]

Hi Bitterness

I am sorry to hear you are having such a hard time trying to access local support, if there are no other numbers you can try on their website or email addresses you can try then contact the National helpline again and see if they can find any other services in your area and explain the problems you have been having, double check if they have any other contact details for the service.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[Author]

Posts