Psychological manipulation

[Avocadosushi]

My dad used to keep my mum at home every weekend to have ‘discussions’ in our greenhouse. We lived in the countryside so there was nowhere for me to go, so I just had to stay at home too and listen to them shout at each other. Sometimes for over 10 hours.

When I was (Detail removed by moderator) he asked me and my brother if he thought he should get a divorce from my mum and we both said no. He didn’t. But he went away to the (Detail removed by moderator) for a few months to ‘think things over’ and left us at home to wonder what he was thinking.

Every year after that he made numerous threats of divorce. At one point he said he would take me and my brother away from my mum because ‘she wasn’t fit to look after us’, which just wasn’t true.

Other than that, he fed us many lies about my mum’s family. He said that her parents were cold and nasty people. He said her sister was boring and had no life. He tried his best to make us hate her and her family.

Eventually, I thought enough was enough. And when I was (Detail removed by moderator) he asked us again whether we thought they should get a divorce and I finally said yes. My brother was very upset with me but my dad listened to my advice and he left, for good.

However, that wasn’t the end.

I loved him, even after everything he had done to my family. I convinced myself that what he had told me about my mum was true. When they separated he told me she was stealing his money and possessions and I believed him. He told me to come and stay with him during the holidays and I did. I stayed with him during (Detail removed by moderator) too. But then things got worse.

He no longer had my mother to berate and so he turned on me and my brother. He would tell me to not ‘dress like a bimbo’ when I wore a dress that was tight fitting. He bought me clothes that were a size 10 or 12, even though I was a size 6 or 8, and told me that I needed to be careful about what I ate because I had a metabolism like my mum and I would soon get fat like her too (she is a size 12 and certainly not fat). He would be obsessive over meeting at a certain time. If we were ever even 5 minutes late he would get into a rage and rant about what a terrible daughter I was and how dishonest and dishonorable I was to keep him waiting for those precious 5 minutes of his time.

I moved out because it became too much. He emailed me to ask to make up. I made up. Then the arguments would begin again. So I told him to take a break. After a while I felt bad and would apologise. And the cycle would go on like this for years.

Last year he got so much worse. He has (Detail removed by moderator) for the last few years and lots of other health issues including (Detail removed by moderator) in his back and a bad heart. He smokes like a chimney and a few months ago he told me that the reason he has continued to smoke for so many years is because he is trying to kill himself and it is all my fault.

My brother stayed at his house whilst he was away (Detail removed by moderator) ago and when my dad got back he had a massive argument with my brother because he didn’t like the decision my brother was making to do (Detail removed by moderator). After lots of shouting, on both parts, he strangled my brother and then called the police on my brother for ‘harassing him’.

I have recently found out that he was physically abusive to my mum too. I found pictures on her phone of big bruises on her legs and arms. Everything started to piece together. I remember a few years ago she broke a couple of ribs and she said she had ‘fallen down the stairs’. I know this couldn’t have been the case. It was him.

There is so much more psychological abuse he has caused to me and if you’d like to know more I can write back.

But, for now, I am trying to get some closure for myself. I had counseling but it didn’t help because the counselor didn’t specialise in abuse. I am also now on propranolol (for anxiety), citalopram (for depression), and mebeverine (for IBS, which has been caused by anxiety). All of these illnesses, I have recently discovered, go back to my dad.

If anyone can help me through this I could be very appreciative. I am not in a great place at the moment – I feel quite low and find it hard to concentrate at university. I just want to feel empowered again and not let my dad dictate my life.

Is this abuse? Or am I being overly dramatic? I just can’t stop second guessing myself anymore. I trust no one, not even myself.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Avacadosushi,
Yes this sounds very much like abuse and I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all this. You’re doing brilliantly well to have gone through so much and still be doing your studies. Well done you.
I have IBS, stress and depression, so I can empathise.
The main thing is to take care of yourself.
1. Healthy eating
2. Plenty of rest and sleep 3. Relaxation: whatever you enjoy doing which takes your mind off your problems
4. Support: you need to get the right help, people who understand the problems you are dealing with.
5. You need to build your confidence and start trusting yourself.
You are not over reacting, you have been coping with abuse for years and that chips away at your self esteem and confidence. Being lied to constantly also knocks your confidence and making you feel confused and not knowing who to trust including yourself. My husband has been lying to me since we met constantly telling me I’m wrong, imagining things, paranoid, etc or that I can’t do things, won’t be able to manage etc. It’s hard, very hard. But if I can do it, anyone can. Phone the helpline on here, you might not get through at first, but keep trying or leave your number for them to ring you back.
Your local Women’s aid group might be able to help. It varies as to where you live, but there’s lots of help and support out there.
Hope you start finding answers soon and get the support you need.
Good luck 😉

[Avocadosushi]

Hi Freedomfighter,

Thanks very much for getting back to me.

It’s reassuring to know that someone anonymous can recognise that this is genuine abuse. I do try my best to take care of myself. I do lots of exercise (go for runs, the gym, and play squash with friends), I eat healthily, and try to get as much sleep as possible (usually 8 hours a night). However, I have been getting awful nightmares for the last month. They have nearly always been about my dad and they’re quite distressing. I often wake up in the sweats throughout the night and in the morning I find it so difficult to get out of bed because I’m so shaken up by the experience. Sometimes I dream of him poisoning himself and blaming me for his suicide. Sometimes I dream of him killing me and my family. The list of terrible deeds he gets up to in my brain are endless.

I did get some support through my university and doctor but none of the counsellors specialised in abuse and so didn’t do much help.

I would say I’m quite a high functioning anxious and depressed person, as I don’t seem distressed from the outside – I have a strong social life and I’m doing well academically. However, I often have meltdowns when everything that has been building up inside me bursts out and I have a panic attack for no reason.

I don’t know the best way to cope with my anxiety and bad dreams without being a burden to my friends, as they often have to listen to me rant about it, or a burden to myself.

What you’re going through seems really tough. Have you spoken to him about the way he treats you? Perhaps couple therapy is an option?

I have signed up to my local Women’s Aid group but there’s a waiting list so I can’t see anyone immediately. And the thing that I’m most worried about at the moment are these terrible nightmares. I don’t want to sleep at night because I’m afraid that when I close my eyes horrific dreams will appear.

Thanks again for lending your advice.

[maddog]

You are doing so, so well, Avocadosushi! When I was a student, I had no idea that I had been abused. I was a wreck and unable to study in any meaningful way. My eating was up the creek and I drank far too much. I was on an alternative planet, really feeling as though I didn’t fit in anywhere.

You need to find as much support as you can muster. Things will get better. I had a useless CBT clinical psychologist who told me to ride my bike if I felt fat (????!!!!). I was already a maniac on my bike!

Have you spoken to anyone on the WA national helpline? In an emergency the Samaritans are there to listen.

There is b****r all on NHS for abuse apart from tablets. I’m on roughly the same regime, with a few extra bits. I have IBD, which at least means they know what’s wrong with me.

Have you told your gp about the nightmares? I never spoke to anyone about the ones I had. Always the same, always terrifying.

Keep going. You will find a way through the tangle. Keep communicating.

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