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I recently heard about a term used to describe when someone overlooks bad in another person, or picks and chooses what they want to see about them. That way they can believe they are a good person.
I’d like to read more about it.
Does anybody know what it’s called?
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Thank you gettingtired. I think it might be different. Is cognitive dissonance where you have conflicting beliefs? Like you understand what they are doing is abuse, but when they start acting nicely you start thinking they are good and there is a possibility that you misunderstood the abuse.
This other one is more like pushing out of your mind the alarming behaviour, and only choosing to look at the good. It’s like the mind wants to believe they are the kind person we desire.
Does that make sense? Or is it the same thing? I feel like the one I’m wondering about causes the person to never really question the abuser. -
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Lavenderrose,
Yes, that’s where I got it from. I’ll rewatch it to find out, as I have forgotten the name. -
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It’s cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive Dissonance employs minimising, denying, justifying and distancing.
We are conditioned by the abuse from the abuser to employ the facets of cognitive dissonance in the way of minimising the abuse, denying the abuse, justifying the abuse, distancing ourselves from the abuse. We then play let’s pretend it’s not happening and it’s not really abuse.
It’s abuse. Whatever fancy term you give it.
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Hi Ocean,
I think the ladies above are right with the cognitive dissonance label but that’s all it is, a label. I’m not sure there are words to describe the denial and unreality of living through an abusive relationship. For me it was as though there was a wall up between the reality of my situation-an life sentence of abuse- and what I told myself it was-a loving marriage with my soulmate.
I didnt realise I was in abusive relationship until he assaulted me, not for the first time mind you, and the wall collapsed all at once. I would recommend Don Hennessey’s books to explore this phenomenon further. He delves deeply into the brain-washing that abusers employ. He describes abusers as ‘psychephiles’, they target and groom us using the same tactics as paedophiles. In short their aim is sexual dominance and control over our thoughts and actions.
I’m out now and still found it difficult and triggering to read but very healing and informative overall. I’m not sure of your situation but I would tread carefully with it, particularly if you are still living in the abuse. Take care xx
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I forgot ‘explaining’. That’s all we do. Explain ourselves. We explain away how we minimise it, we explain away our justification of it, we explain how we deny it to ourselves and others, we explain away to ourselves how we distance ourselves from the reality of living a nightmare.
It’s not because he had a bad day at work. It’s not because the kids played up. It’s just not because!!! He is an abuser. He will always be an abuser regardless of who he is with.
No matter what drama series you watch on TV, your life isn’t going to change unless you get back into reality. Abuse is not a TV series. It’s real.
TV is drama. They make it all up most of the time. (detail removed by Moderator) Please ladies, lift your heads up above the parapets x
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Thank you ladies for your helpful comments.
I need to be constantly reminded of the truth you all shared.
Hawthorn, I will look up those books.
Thanks again! Xx
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