15th February 2016 at 7:59 pm #9745
I have court date pending soon and the psychological warfare has started. He is talking like he will win and get the moon and the stars. I know this is not the truth,but I feel so low and mentally defeated already. I know this does not help me. I am trying to take care of myself and stay positive but I am so worried about the outcome. I am struggling with negative thoughts and feel like I am chasing away depression. Its not too bad just mild, but I feel low. I have been doing so well recently but the pressure as we build towards court is hard and I feel like it is setting me back.
I know that is just what he wants, so the fighter in me wants to stay positive and not let him mess with my head but he is already in my head. I have not spoken to him directly it is just things he has said in contact with our daughter and though email.
Any tips for handling anxiety and staying positive?? Or do I just have to accept that this is a horrible period and i will bounce back once its over?
15th February 2016 at 9:13 pm #9747lover of no contactParticipant
This is an extremely difficult time. But you sound very strong and in control to me. When I was at your stage I was terrified too. That feeling of ‘dread’ and ‘worst-case scenario’ thinking was taking a grip of me, fuelled by his behaviour with the barristers so it looked like he had the upper hand and he was so confident that he would ‘win’. Win to him was to take all (children, house and money) and leave me with nothing.
However, its the only time I saw him reduced to the coward that he was when things (out of HIS control) started happening on the few days of court. He was not as in control, as he, nor I , nor our children, or his family thought he was. The outcome on the day was fair to both of us. The judge saw through him despite a damning ‘report’ manipulated by him with a ‘court assessor and my children’ against me.
These abusers are really so textbook. They think they’re unique but they’re not. The court see everyday their same patterns and behaviours. I really didn’t think his true colours would show those few days in court but they did.
We forget when our abusers up their ante, that we have truth on our side. The truth of who we are, shines through. And they are who they are and that comes through in the end. Nothing is as strong as the truth. Abusers use lies, deception and manipulation and cunning. They really are pathetic, weak and cowardly. We are the strong ones.
Take it one day at a time to your court date. You have no power over him but you do have power over yourself on the day. Don’t give him a reaction on the day. Stay calm. Keep posting and reading the posts as you need. I posted a lot as I was terrified of the outcome. That way I got my fear out beforehand and stayed ‘non-reactive’ (well on the outside) which was to my favour.
15th February 2016 at 10:12 pm #9752
Hi Lover of no contact – thank you so much for your post. I am sitting here reading it through my tears (tears better out than in i suppose) as you have totally summed up how I am feeling right now. I feel quite paralysed by fear. Sad thing is I have worked quite hard on my recovery and have been feeling less fearful etc.
Thank you so much for your inspirational post. When I am in the grip of fear I find it hard to believe that people will see through him – I just think he will hood wink everyone. Sometimes it feels like noone believes me! I too am suffering from worst case scenario thinking and feeling very tearful and panicky.
I am trying to busy myself in preparing – getting a safety plan for my daughter organised so that even if the worse happens I am still prepared. I know the courts will not give him the “moon and the stars” but it still strikes fear in my heart! Thank you so much for putting it into perspective ! Might have to read your post a few times to remind myself that they are text book and I am not the only person on the planet that can see what he is up to!!! Thank you x
15th February 2016 at 10:18 pm #9753SerenityParticipant
Hi, I Want to Break Free,
Lover of No Contact has put my exact views and thoughts in such a clear way. I would have written very much the same.
I have been where you are. They are so determined to get people to believe their lies that they almost believe their own lies,many they are such good actors that you are terrified that will fool people. And, in the legal environment, professionals are meant to show impartiality and no bias, so you get scared because it might seem to you that you’re not getting much support, encouragement or validation along the way. It’s easy to have a wobble, and start worrying.
My DV support used to tell me not to worry,my hat these judges etc had seen it all the time. I only half- believed her. My ex was so convincing, I thought, I couldn’t help but worry.
All in all, though, he played an outstanding Oscar performance, but he didn’t win. As L.O.N.C. says, truth is on your side and shines through. I made a decision at the start to always tell the truth, and this would show. It did.
You have a head start in that you know exactly what his game is- as you say,mpsychological warfare. You can just counteract his lies and manipulations by not reacting ( as much as you can) and being aggressive with evidence. They want actual evidence, if possible.
Remain calm and determined in your stance of telling the truth, you have nothing to fear, there is nothing you will be penalised for.
15th February 2016 at 11:28 pm #9758
Thank you Serenity – I have just found it hard as all the way along I have felt he has got away with so many lies and people don’t seem to see through him. I have had some horrible emails from him and these are playing on my mind but his abuse was always psychological and this is no exception – so I know I am playing into his hands if I dont keep a hold of my head!
You hear so many horror stories………… I just get to the point when I feel that the worse case scenario is enviable and then I get so full of fear.
Its good to hear some encouraging stories !
16th February 2016 at 4:46 am #9764PrincessParticipant
Hi I just want to tell u I’m on the same boat, my court date is coming and I am in bits I fear he will win, so scared I cannot sleep I’m physically sick of the outcome I feel I’m losing everyday
16th February 2016 at 7:21 am #9768Peaceful PigParticipant
Hi, I totally agree with what the others have said and felt just the same. My ex was extremely psychologically manipulative and totally hoodwinked the social worker, but in court common sense prevailed, more or less. It was a horrible ordeal and I felt that sickening anxiety throughout, but I just want to let you know how much better it feels on the other side. Having a court order protects you from all the emotional games and manipulations and you will feel a huge weight lifted from you once it’s over. Someone advised me to try to focus on the positive outcomes afterwards rather than fearing the process itself, though I have to say that was much easier said than done at the time! Just get through in whatever way you can and don’t underestimate your courage in doing this. Good luck x
16th February 2016 at 4:18 pm #9795White RoseParticipant
Why is this a pattern that repeats itself? Every hurdle we face and hoop we have to jump through is made worse by the added stress of escalation in their behaviour? I’m lucky I have not needed to face him across a court room and so far all court stuff has been paperwork or solicitor only but each time there is something pending like a form to complete or a hearing to book (or in his case cancel!) he gets to me one way or another. He either lays on the emotional abuse by indirect route or he gets at other family members who then contact me to see what’s the latest development as they’ve learned the pattern of his behaviour now. Everytime my heart is in my mouth and I feel sick for a while till I can calm myself down.
I think its all about attention. The need to feel powerful and wonderful and to be seen as all controlling and the only way they can do that it so beat us down.
When mine goes off on one I just remember what my solicitor said when I shared the emails he had sent around time of first divorce papers being completed – she called him an “evil little man” and since then I’ve always imagined him like a picture I had in a childhood book of Rumplestiltskin dancing round a fire looking ridiculous and that helps me deal with it a bit better. I have no idea why that imagery comes to me but it does. I also try to imaging him dancing round naked and that helps even more – believe me it is not a pretty sight!!!!
Keep focussed on the future and keep strong x*x
17th February 2016 at 2:03 am #9814
Thanks for your wise words everybody. I have felt slightly more calm today. I think I got a fair bit of my anxiety out yesterday so I have felt more peaceful today. It is so good to hear that people got results they were happy with through court. It is wonderful to be free from fear when fear has gripped me so much the day before. I am going to have to work on being as positive as I can in the coming weeks and making the best of it until the situation passes. I can feel the tension building again – hense being on here at this time of night !
I do think I need the protection and boundaries that a court order offers or it will go on so yes maybe I will feel better once I am out the other side of it.
Love the image white rose that made me laugh! I have a similar way of dealing with my abusive ex I have depersonalised it by thinking that he is abusive because he is an abuser. It is his nature, he can no more stop being abusive than a duck can stop quacking. So now when he is abusive i say to myself “the duck is quaking” and that seems to make it smaller in my head! After all you can ignore a duck quacking – it is not significant. Thinking like this reduces my fear.
I do find court cases testing times. If we can keep ourselves sane and continue to be good parents through this pressure then we ought to be able to do anything!
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