PTSD?

[tiredofitall]

I’ve been away from my ex for just under (detail removed by Moderator) now and its been great. I’ve done lots of things that I never would have done before and its paid off and given me lots of confidence and I’m proud of that because he was always telling me how c**p I was at everything.
One thing I think I’m realising is that I have a real fear of driving on the motorway. At first, I thought it was because he was critical of my driving – always saying that he was a better driver, he wouldn’t ever let me drive if we went out together, never let me drive on a motorway, criticised me when i just passed my test. Basically eroded my confidence. However, was happy for me to drive the kids around and take them wherever they needed to go because that would have meant that he would actually have to do something!
But it feels like more than that because I’m more than nervous. And I think it might be the memories of the horrible journeys we had in the car over the years. I don’t think that I have been in the car with him and actually enjoyed it. He always drove very fast and aggressive. Changing lanes, shouting at other drivers, critising everyone. IT was always a very stressful experience. And if I dared to say I was feeling anxious he would blame me for over reacting. Then there are the journeys where he would start an argument and then give me the cold shoulder for the whole trip. Or the times he pulled over and got out of the car and left me stranded while he stormed off in a rage.
I’ve spent some car journeys with my eyes closed because I was so scared we were going to have an accident. But i had to hold it in all the time. I don’t know…I guess I hate the idea of not being able to do something because of him but also wondering is this all in my head. Am I making it into something more than it is? Can I have PTSD from something like this?

[Lostnalone]

Oh yes my luv u can have p.t.s.d. Alot of us on here have. My ex was that erratic in the car I felt like I had vertigo!! I became scared of anything fast! It trauma tiredofitall. If I’d to use the sat navigation whilst he drove I would physically shake coz of his aggressive behaviour. I fell for u luv.x*x

[browneyedmum]

How weird… yeah, I have difficulty riding with my ex too because I did feel like he drove aggressively.

[tiredofitall]

Thank you both for replying. Its so easy to think I’m being over dramatic or sensitive (years of being accused of it) and hard to accept that he’s messed my head up so much!

[Galabeee]

I hear you …. the car journeys, angry silence, aggressive swearing/anger at other drivers – they wouldn’t see it but it would fill up the car with even more anger and make me so on edge.. ( he almost always drove and if not I’d be on edge being criticized/ “watched” for how I was driving….) ..I’m not too long out but there are so many things I’m questioning now of “oh I CAN do this” .. or enjoying making my own decisions about/ doing my own way …. its hard and bittersweet in lot of ways too though……..

[StrongLife]

I am awaiting my concerns to move on with time. I have specific things that trigger me like yelling, loud voices, controlling people, places and discussions on domestic violence.

Every now and again something will drag me back. I believe in time this will become a distant memory.

[tiredofitall]

Thank you for this. I’m wondering if I should be more patient with myself and accept it might take more time to replace the bad memories with good ones and break the fear.
I guess I’m in a rush to move on and be better and think perhaps I need to allow myself space and time to heal.

[Bananaboat]

I’d say driving on motorways anyway is stressful, especially if you don’t do it regularly. But absolutely having had similar experiences the memories of awful
Journeys with him definitely kick in & add to that anxiety and fear, it’s like his voice jumps into my head. Last year I took the kids away and told the sat nav to avoid motorways just so it was one less stress trigger, but that’s not always possible is it. These people really did a job on us didn’t they xx

[Makingmychildrenproud]

Thank you for sharing this the exact same thing happened to me and I assumed it was me. I looked back and realised I had been told I was a terrible driver for nearly 20 years since I got my license whilst also enduring a scary driver behind the wheel.

I got a top up driving lesson by a kind instructor who specialises in helping people to build confidence. It’s not uncommon. I force myself to drive but where I live the speed limits are low and the more u do it the easier it is.

I often see aggressive drivers like my ex – they overtake me when I am driving 2 below the speed limit as people don’t like the low speed limits around us and I know immediately that man is probably abusive.

[browneyedmum]

^^^ This so much. I’m wondering if aggressive driving should be another ‘red flag’ for identifying an abuser.

[Makingmychildrenproud]

I would be willing to bet that’s the case!

[Chocolatebunnie]

Yes you can have PTSD for this reason

Experiences for me as others have said very similar.

I’ve had couple of fairly bad accidents and I lost my nerve on motorways he doesn’t understand how I can be anxious and I have come close to panic attacks so avoid. But he’s made it worse pressuring me and saying it’s all in my mind, yes it is but the comments don’t help. He hates he does all motorway driving I’ve had very bad arguments about it with him

My oldest children and myself have experienced the silent angry drives so many times and sometimes going on a long journey as one of them has complex mental health issues so appointments weren’t local he didn’t like being the one to have to take a day from work and that I couldn’t make the journey by myself. It’s something my kids also remember and avoid asking for help from him.

Again as others said drives angrily at times. He also jokes pretends he’s driving crazily the youngest think it’s funny and I now tell him he’s cruel for doing this as he knows how bad my anxiety is. It’s on purpose to upset me when I speak up he gets cross or laughs at me.

Sorry I’ve gone on but definitely your ex has contributed or caused this and PTSD. I wonder if you can support from GP are you waiting already? X

[sweet4]

Same here, and when he is in a mood, he revs the car, and the anger, he also drives looking to the right, and he knows i have high anxiety, he doesn’t care. xx

[tiredofitall]

Thanks everyone, it helps to know I’m not alone and it’s not just me. I often wonder if I’m exaggerating or over thinking things. It does sound like one of those common issues.. he would go on about having to do all the long distance driving but would tell me I wasn’t safe to drive on the motorway as I drove too slow and wasn’t as good a driver as him. He made me so nervous in the car if I ever had to drive him, I find I’m anxious when I have other adults in the car now , I feel like everyone is judging me. It’s horrible. I think I might try and explore some counselling and maybe get a driving instructor too.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

I’ve yet to attempt a motorway! I’m over (detail removed by Moderator) 🙁

My husband didn’t drive aggressively or fast but he did criticise my driving and never let me drive on motorways, so that I could learn. Perhaos, I should have attempted it on my own? I never thought about my ‘phobia’ as being PTSD, but it could be?? My husband did get me to pull over into a layby once so that he could yell at me outside the car (except I refused to get out). He also shouted at me to drive and pulled over because I dared to ask him to slow down twice on the lanes. I really hadn’t thought about this in the context of abuse, so thank you for highlighting this. xx I think lessons to build self-confidence would be valuable. Good luck. We might pass one another on a motorway one day 🙂

[tiredofitall]

Thank you for sharing. I had thought that I was just nervous – driving on the motorway is scary anyway but it just feels different. This is something that has lots of threads wrapped in it – the aggressive driving (always too fast), the almost flagrant way he’d drive like that knowing I was scared so I had to push it all down, the constant theme of me not being as good a driver as him, ridiculing me.
I think I’ve been able to prove to myself that most of what he said about me was rubbish but this one is lingering. I really do hope we get ourselves onto that motorway at some point. Thank you for the encouragement! x

[Lostnalone]

Tiredofital. I’m just about to go through all the acessments for complex p.t.s.d. Ladies I’ve yet to learn to drive but it’s on my bucket list!! X*x

[Marmalade]

Hi Tiredofitall,
I’ve read this thread for a while and trembled cos it too close to home. Yes I think aggressive controlling men behave in a similar way in cars. They view them as a weapon and I think try to show dominance over passengers and other road users.
Every time I got in a car with my ex I wondered if I would die. I got quite resigned to it. The fast driving, not looking at the road, punching bits of the car, screaming and swearing at me because I had done something wrong like sit not exactly as he said. He would literally froth at the mouth. Then there was the swearing at other motorists…
I do have quite severe complex PTSD which has had a large effect on my life. PTSD is very debilitating. The emotional disregulation and anxiety can be extreme. In my case it’s not just from the driving though. That was a small parcel of the over all picture.
I also can identify with the constant sneers and put downs about being a useless driver, inferior to him and just generally useless actually. At the time I was terrified. Now I think of him with contempt, so inadequate that he needed to boost himself up by belittling me.
So yes I think driving in a certain way is a large red flag. I think abusers show their real temperament. Keep safe everyone x

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