Punishing me by hurting himself?

[SurvivorOne]

My ex rarely threatened me directly but he made me feel like the most horrible person in the world because of everything he would do to himself. If I ever did anything he didn’t like, he’d scream at me but, instead of hurting me he would hurt himself instead. The following is a totally fake example that I’m hoping the mods won’t remove (but they might anyway):

If I was sad about something (for example not getting a promotion) he would immediately make it about him (like saying I only wanted a promotion because I believed he wasn’t earning enough money) then take it to some weird place (like inventing an imaginary new boss who was offering me the promotion, then saying I must obviously be having an affair with this person) and then he’d start losing control (for example about all the ways this entirely non-existent new boss must be everything I wanted in a man), but instead of using violence on me he’d use it on himself instead (like saying that by applying for a promotion I was calling him worthless and that I’d never stay with him when all I wanted was these other imaginary men). Then it would escalate to crisis level (for example withvery serious threats). So instead of dealing with my own disappointment I’d have to talk him down from a crisis.

The promotion story isn’t real but plenty of similar things happened. So not only did I feel awful about the first event, I’d end up reeling and feeling like the biggest monster on earth because of all the horrible beliefs he invented. I used to think he was struggling badly with mental health problems but sometimes I wonder if he was faking it to be manipulative. Since I am 100% supportive of all mental health struggles, the idea of this being deliberate abuse is very hard for me.

Deliberate or not it meant that I could never deal with anything or move on from a past mistake. Once or twice I made minor mistakes over gender assumptions (like assuming he’d do something because he was a guy), which turned out to be wrong. I wish we could have just laughed those incidents off but the truth is they became huge toxic things that he never forgave me for. I always thought that I’d made him feel insecure and I felt bad about it. Now I wonder if he really was just deliberately trying to punish me. I don’t know what for though, I don’t get any of it.

Dunno if anyone can relate to this, probably not. x

[KIP.]

Abusers abuse and they will use any excuse to do so. It’s mind blowing and keeps our head spinning and the abuse goes on and on. We look to ourselves become of the accusations but in reality it’s his behaviour that’s abusive and dysfunctional and makes us feel like we are going mad. Did he only behave like this in private with you? Would he abuse his boss or shop assistants. Was he in control outside your private home? He controls his behaviour because he knows it’s wrong.

[littledove]

Abusers go for empathetic people because they know they can guilt trip and manipulate them easily. They know empaths are always willing to lend support, so they take full advantage of this and drain every last piece of your energy and soul, basically suck the life out of you. They are emotional vampires.

You’re right; he was faking the mental health problems. This is common for many abusers. It’s a way they gain sympathy and an excuse for their behaviours. My ex did it all the time. Said he had depression and would kill himself if I left him because he NEEDED me to help me. It’s so twisted.

Look up ‘Gaslighting’ – sounds exactly what he was doing xx

[SurvivorOne]

Thanks everyone. I’ve read SO MUCH about gaslighting, abuse tactics, suicide threats and so on. But even after all this time there’s a part of me that just can’t get my head around it, no matter how much I know. He just seemed so sincere. His threats and emotional outbursts were so traumatic for me. You know how a lot of key workers end up with secondary PTSD when they witness the suffering of people in their lives? Well, I think the things he did in trying to prove that he couldn’t live without me have left me with secondary PTSD. I mean I have primary PTSD from all the abuse, of course, but I think the specific incidents of what he did to himself in the name of “being broken hearted” were a lot worse. Maybe it all was an act, I kind of hope it was. I know I can’t go into details but for many years afterwards I thought he was going to die if I didn’t “remain friends” with him. In all those times he kept trying to prove to me over and over that he’d never heal from the fact I left him. Our breakup was before coercive control laws came in and I’d never even heard of the words. I let him continue abusing me because I thought I was saving his life.

Honestly, I kind of WISH that was true. It would be awful but at least I could forgive it, I think. I mean it’s so confusing that his version of reality is so far from my own. But worse to think that it was all some complex, elaborate scheme to hurt me, and he either couldn’t see or didn’t care what it was doing to me? I don’t know how to deal with that. I was struggling so hard myself with such little support. I felt so alone in the world. How could he not see what he was putting me through? It was unbearable. It was like nobody cared how much it affected me because they either thought I shouldn’t feel any empathy because he was abusive, or that I COULDN’T feel any because I was a cold-hearted monster. Either way, his multiple suicide attempts and other visible signs of mental breakdown make me feel like I did that to him. How could that be a lie, and how could I not be responsible? I don’t know how I’ll ever get over it. His version of me was just so far away from who I really am and that’s so hard to live with.

(Yes, I’ve had counselling but it doesn’t help)

[littledove]

He could see what was he was putting you through, he just didn’t care. They just can’t feel empathy, that’s why they can lie straight to your face without a second thought.
It’s how they can find violence and cheating acceptable. Although they know it’s not widely accepted by majority of people, which is why they keep it hidden behind closed doors and try avoid being found out as much as possible.

Sending hugs xx

[KIP.]

You’re looking to a nasty dysfunctional toxic abuser for you own validation and that’s not good. His behaviour is no reflection on you and as you say yourself that his version of you is so far from the actual truth. Abusers are liars and manipulators. Google cognitive dissonance. Sometimes we cannot face the truth because it’s too painful and won’t fit with how we want to or need to see things. The sad truth is these men are liars and deliberately set out to destroy our self esteem and confidence because that’s the best way to dominate and control someone and they do it any way they can. Often we confide in them and tell them out weaknesses and darkest seekers and you can bet they will use them against us. My ex used to swear on his child’s life. I would believe him because what kind of a man would swear on his child life? A nasty toxic abuser. Once you know how they play the game it all becomes easier to deal with. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and Healing From Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas x

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