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Hi I’m new here. Partner left (detail removed by moderator) months ago after crisis (detail removed by moderator) and I begged him to leave. He has drink and substance abuse issues and I couldn’t cope any longer we have 2 young children (detail removed by moderator).
His behaviour over the years has been outrageous and dangerous and sometimes illegal. His drink problem would make him binge drink, go awol and then hurl abuse at me if I was upset he didn’t come home. He was very controlling sober and would constantly criticise me. He began to humiliate me and force me to do things I didn’t want to do : in front of my children which was the beginning of the end.
He now lives in (detail removed by moderator) and I have been to solicitor as I am letting him see children in our home 3-4 times a week. He’s pressuring me to let him have them overnight but I feel scared. (He did some sessions of AA when we broke up but has stopped going when I told him I could never take him back). I have been to a solicitor and she said I do not have to let him have them overnight as he’s an alcoholic and accommodation not suitable. He is furious and getting his own solicitor, we begin mediation in weeks time.
I feel really depressed after the initial relief and freedom of having him leave. Not having constant criticism in my home. But anxiety and insomnia are at an all time high. He cane to house when children at school to bully me and I called a relative because I felt threatened. Even in front of my relative he was disrespectful and laughing at me, threatening to get nasty and called me a liar saying no-one would believe me. I have spent years telling myself I am strong but right now I feel totally broken.
It’s like purgatory because now I have seen the light and feel free because I don’t love him but I know I can never be free because of children. I am also terrified of what he will do next. -
Well done for getting him out of your home. It’s not safe to leave young children with someone who is only going to get p****d. Have you reported his behaviour to the police? They will be able to help you. He mustn’t be allowed to come to your home in order to bully you. The police or your solicitor or WA will be able to advise you on injunctions.
It must be awful having this man in your home.
Watch out with mediation. Most people will tell you not to do it with an abuser as they will often lie through their teeth to get what they think they want.
My ex often called me a liar. This was usually because he hadn’t read something properly. He also uses the Royal ‘We’ which I find really annoying. You can use it when you are referring to you and your nits or worms apparently!
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You are actually perfectly within your rights to refuse to let him into your house at all. You could insist that he goes through court to get access to your kids and that contact is su0ervised by someone other than yourself. It sounds like you have been trying to be fair to this man – who was abusive to you while sober AND had a drink problem. I can be sympathetic to people with drink and drug issues (my current partner is in the program) but I wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t sober – couldn’t take it emotionally, which he understands and is ok with. But abuse doesn’t stem from issues (whether that’s drink or childhood trauma, or mental health problems, or any of the other issues abusers justify their actions with), it’s about control, plain and simple. My ex claimed childhood trauma and mental health issues. But he really just got off on control.
Your ex is still trying to control you which is why you are still suffering. I didn’t have kids so I managed to go no contact pretty soon after I left. That really helped. It’s much harder given that you have kids, but you can definitely reduce the contact you have with him. For a start I would absolutely not be letting him into your house if the kids aren’t there. If he shows up while they are then refuse him entry and call the police if he is causing trouble. Then look into other supervised contact options – it doesn’t sound like he should have unsupervised contact, but it’s bad for both you and your kids for him to have access to you and for them to witness his ongoing abuse of you. The ladies on here have a wealth of experience in sorting this kind of thing and you can also ring the women’s aid helpline or the rights for women helpline to try and get it sorted out.
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He is threatening to move back in as he has rights (house is jointly owned by both of us). But my relative who witnessed his behaviour said next time I should call the police because he’s being unreasonable and trying to bully me. I never called the police about his behaviour whilst I was living him with him because I have a respectable job and I was embarrassed. I have spent years living with his drink problem and tried to convince myself it would get better and the cycle of abuse would stop. I’m not sure what ‘normal’ is anymore because him telling me what to think, feel and do became normal. I’ve always been told I’m the one who is controlling (because I hated him going out on benders) and would beg him not to. Because I was upset when I didn’t know where he was (police bought him home once after they found him asleep in a bush).he told me I was highly strung and had mental issues. And I was weird because I couldn’t sleep and would pave the house at night.
My only focus now is keeping my little ones safe from him but he’s so mad telling me I can’t stop him from having them and he wants 60% custody. Also I’m not being fair on them because he’s their dad and they love him. -
You shouldn’t be living in fear. It is worth reporting his behaviour and speaking to the domestic abuse team through the police on 101. It is hard to accept these things. It feels to me as though it is not the kind of thing that ‘should’ ahem be happening to me. Hey ho. It is.
Are you in touch with your local Womens Aid? It is so difficult and lonely to do this alone and so important to muster as much real life support as you possibly can.
My ex used to say too that I was the mad one, that I was a psychopath, bla bla… For now it is really important that you keep him away from you and your children.
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Thank u for the advice, I have not approached women’s aid directly as stupidly wasn’t even aware i was in an abuse situation until my therapist and solicitor told me. I just knew I was in a situation that was spiralling out of control and I was suffering with insomnia and anxiety. I will make contact with women’s aid when children go to bed I think.
The idea that I have allowed myself to be abused is a bit of a shock to me atm. -
Ring Rights for Women for free legal advice. I think you should get a non molestation order and an occupation order. One prevents unwanted contact and the other prevents him returning to the home. It gives you peace of mind and it also give the police something tomact upon should he return. The relative who witnessed his behaviour can give a statement too. It’s not too late to ring 101 and speak to the domestic abuse police unit for advice. You will never handle him alone. It’s been 12 years and he hasn’t changed. All that will happen now is his behaviour will escalate as he loses control. Time to involve the Law, women’s aid, civil court. Keep all evidence. Any abusive texts, emails etc. Any witnesses that will support you. Your GP. Records of his drug and alcohol problem. The gloves are off and you need to prepare for a fight.
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